Missy's Journal July 29, 1999 Well, I’m doing the Induction thing - very seriously, too - and I know in the book Dr. Atkins says you won’t be hungry on this diet, but, y’know what? He’s LYING!!! It’s only been four days, and I’m STARVING!!! I’ve ended up having to take Acutrim diet pills to keep me from running across the street and grabbing something, ANYthing to eat! I keep wondering if this is the same basic diet my Dr. put me on, why am I so miserable? Answer - no Phen-fen this time! The Phen-fen, as many of you know, had an appetite suppressor plus the whatever-it-was-that-made-you-feel-good. After the FDA took the bad ingredient out of that combination, many Dr.s started using prozac to get the same effect. I didn’t need any of that stuff at the time! I’d pretty much lost all my weight, and felt fantstic, and there’s no way on God’s Green Earth I was EVER going to have to worry about my weight or cravings or anything ever again! HA! And again I say, HA! Well, all I can say is it must’ve taken the Phen-fen a while to leave my system, because it was all of a sudden and seven months after I went off the Phen-fen that the uncontrollable cravings came back with a vengeance! I was stressed out with a new job, new schedule, and was in the process of moving, and I don’t really know what happened, but I guess I just lost control, lost the fight. Well, now I’m trying to get my control BACK! I am in control of my body, my body is NOT in control of me! At least not for much longer! So, I’m struggling with hunger, and if I have to take diet pills to keep me from eating ALL the cookies on the kitchen counter at work or stopping by McDonald’s on the way home, then so be it! So far, I have been behaving myself, but I’m going INSANE doing it! I keep thinking maybe I could cheat just a little bit: just a half a glass of wine with dinner, a tiny piece of chocolate, just a corner of a cookie. But, I know if I slip even a little, I’ll fall totally off the wagon, so I’m trying really hard to avoid all the naughty stuff! I very nearly overdid it last night - I was just starving, it was 9:30 P.M., and an Atkins bar was just NOT going to cut it. I very nearly hit McDonald’s, but instead I went to the grocery store and got some sliced smoked turkey breast and sliced jarlsberg cheese. I took them home and rolled up in the cheese in the turkey, and it was delicious! I only had two “cheesey turkey rolls” with some iced tea, and was able to make it through the rest of the evening! One funny thing, though: my mom got all over my case because the “cheesey turkey rolls” looked like breadsticks to her! She was going to give me grief about breaking my diet! I offered some to her, but she can’t have fatty stuff like real cheese, so she declined. It was pretty funny, thought. I guess you had to be there! Well, I’d better run! Yours very truely, Missy July 26, 1999 Well, that's annoying! I updated this stupid thing this morning, but somehow it just disappeared! Now, I have to remember what I wrote - a daunting task, to say the least! Well, let's see: I'm starting the Induction part of the Atkins diet. I skipped ahead in my reading because I needed to do my weekly shopping, but I plan on going back and reading the rest of it. I've found this diet to be pretty much the same thing my Dr. put me on a few years ago, but this one allows a lot more carbs, even in the Induction period! I'm having to adjust the menu a bit to fit my personal schedule: I'm simply not going to get up early to cook a breakfast, so I just hard boiled some eggs, and I can take one to work with me; I'm also going to be having the Atkins bars a lot, as they're good mid-morning, or late-afternoon snacks! Since Dr. Atkins allows salads, I won't have to change my lunch menu, and I'd been pretty much keeping the carbs down at dinner anyway, so it's just a matter of finding new recipies. I received my ketosis strips, so I'll be able to start using them soon. Hopefully, they will help me figure out if I need to adjust my menu. Well, I stepped on the scales this morning, and found the needle stopped at 179. I suppose that's better than 181, but it's still discouraging! I can't believe July is basically over already, and it seems like I'm in the exact same position I was in at the end of June! I feel like I really did a lot of work with my excercising and, although I had a few set backs with the diet itself, I didn't think I'd done that badly on the food front, but I still have little to show for my work. I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong, or not, and I'm not yet sure how to fix it. I'll give this thing a very serious 14 days and see what happens! Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy July 19, 1999 Hi! Sorry, I haven’t updated for a while, but I haven’t had much to talk about. Fear not, I am still here and still on the “infamous diet”, as my family calls it. They are really not big believers in this low-carb diet, and are convinced that #1. I won’t lose any weight this way; and #2. I’ll develop serious health problems from consuming high fat foods such as cheese, butter, eggs, etc. I’ve been trying to be on this diet for a couple years now, and when I was taking the phen-fen, I lost a lot of weight. As soon as I was down near my goal weight, my family convinced me I no longer needed the phen-fen, so I went off it. To be fair, I really felt confident, and didn’t think I needed it either. It was taken off the market soon after that because, well, we all know why. (My family is also convinced I now have a damaged heart because I took that medication.) Anyway, they also convinced me a little starch wouldn’t kill me, and wore me down until I finally gave in just to shut them up. It may not have killed me, but it did make me lose the control and will I had to fight the cravings for such foods, and made me fat again. Of course, they think it’s because of all the cheese, eggs, and butter! Their bodies work differently than mine, and they don’t understand it. And, if they don’t understand it, it’s not true. I tried to talk to my mom about all this this past weekend, and I thought I’d gotten through to her, but now I’m not so sure. She has high cholesterol, and has to be on a low-fat diet. Fine for her, not for me. The problem has been convincing her that I simply need to do my own cooking. At first she seemed to accept my plan, but later recanted and has gone back to the “we can still have the same meals, we just have to adjust them to our different diets.” Well, that hasn’t been working, so I don’t know why she thinks it’ll work now. The “adjustment” has been to cook the meals according to her diet, not mine. I knew it would be hard to live with a person who could eat pastas, breads, rices, etc., but when I get home from the gym, and go to get dinner, there’s a small piece of meat and a vegetable that i can eat, and the rest of the meal is bread and either pasta or rice. She knowsI can’t have that kind of stuff, but she never compensates with another vegetable, so I have very little to eat, or go off my diet. Either way, I usually end up snacking, which is not at all helpful. Sure, I could fix myself something extra, but by then I’m hungry and tired, and don’t feel like having a confrontation. I know I need to become stronger, and stand up for myself more. I don’t know how to do that, so I guess it’s just something I’ll have to work on. Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy July 12, 1999 Hello, and welcome to Missy’s True Confessions! Who’s a naughty, naughty girl, then? Who deserves a smack across the face with a wet fish? (Where the heck did that come from????)Anyway, bless me, fellow low-carb dieters, for I have sinned: I had several animal crackers, and four glasses of wine on Saturday (no, not together, duh! I had the animal crackers after lunch (chicken caesar salad - yum!), and the wine before, during and after dinner. I can’t even remember what I had: it must’ve been so bad, I blocked it out!), and a piece of toast with brunch (cheese omelette), a beer (to relieve boredom during super hot afternoon), and more wine with dinner (rock cornish game hens, and green beans) on Sunday. And, the very, very worst thing was that I didn’t do a lick of exercise the entire weekend! I didn’t even get on the scales this morning, because I was so afraid of what I might see! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m so tired and depressed today! Well, at least I’ve been good today (so far!): Dr. Atkin’s bar for AM meal with water, green salad for lunch, large glass of iced tea (actually, I don’t know if that’s bad for me or not; it’s just plain iced tea with no lemon or sweetener, so it can’t be all bad!) and am working on another 24 oz. bottle of spring water now. The big thing will be whether or not I make it to the gym. It’s hard, because it’s so boring! I’d really rather take a step aerobic class, but I haven’t found one that fits in with my schedule, yet. I’ll have to keep looking; it’s a big enough area to have something to accommodate my schedule! Until then, I am very truly yours, Missy July 8, 1999 Well, I guess I’m back for good! *smile* Do you like this new graphics set? It’s from Gab’s Graphics, and I just think it’s fun! A perfect set, I think, for summertime! I’ve done a little revamping as well, and decided to add a couple pages: the poetry page will have some of my all-time favourite poems (I’m not very good at it, myself, but if I come up with anything even remotely good, I’ll put it in!), I’ve put my webrings on their very own page, so my front page isn’t so cluttered, and although I was always planning on having a links page on the site before, now I’m really going to get one done! I originally split my journal in to three separate ones, but that was too cumbersome for me, so I’ll just try to mention everything I need to in this one section. Well, things have been going pretty well for me today: it’s nice, sunny and warm (but not too hot), it’s almost the weekend (again!), and today is going very quickly for some reason! I’m not going to complain; I’ll just enjoy it! I’m actually feeling pretty good about myself today. Last night I tried on a couple items I’ve had hanging in my closet for some time because they were too tight for me. Well, they’re still tight, but not as bad as they were a few months ago, and if I wear one of my long, lightweight cardigans, I’ll be able to wear them to work! Pretty cool, eh? Well, I’m excited, anyway! I didn’t weigh my self today; I think I’ll only do that once a week, maybe Sunday. As for food, as hard as I try to write down everything I eat (as, I’ve heard it helps with dieting when you can look and see exactly what you’ve put in your mouth all day!), I can never remember to do it, and by the time I get home, I’ve forgotten what I ate during the day! I will keep trying, however, as you never know, it may become a habit yet! Let’s see, so far today I’ve had a Dr. Atkin’s bar (chocolate macadamia nut - blech! I can’t wait till I’m done with that flavour! I also have the chunky peanut butter, which is very good, and am going to try the chocolate coconut one, as I have it on good authority that they’re quite delicious!), a small salad with Italian dressing and a little shredded cheddar cheese, an iced tea, and a hand full of pistachio nuts. I don’t’ know if the nuts are on my diet or not, but I thought they looked good so I tried them: they’re from the Santa Barbara Pistachio Company. There’s several different flavours, and I’m trying the crushed garlic. They’re very good! Luckily, they come in small, 2.3 oz bags (which is what I bought), as well as the full-size ones, so even if I eat the whole thing, it’s not as bad as it could’ve been! I really can’t eat too many nuts, anyway, as I’m mildly allergic to them - they make my uvula swell up. For those of you not up on your biology, the uvula is the fleshy bit hanging in the back of your throat. And, let me tell you, it’s very uncomfortable when that thing swells up! Anyway, I digress . . . It’s been a good day, I’ve behaved my self (so far!), and just need to make it to the gym, and then to sleep tonight without snacking! Granted I’m only snacking on a couple slices of cheese, but still, I probably shouldn’t be eating anything just before going to sleep! Well, I’ve rambled on enough for one day! So, until tomorrow, I remain, very truly yours, Missy July 7, 1999 Well the boycott is over - and just after I’d greyed out my page, and everything! Hehe! Well, I’m not complaining; I’m glad to be coming back. Unfortunately, I had moved all my graphics and stuff elsewhere, and don’t have time to put it all back up right now, as I’m at work, and they frown on excessive internet use! So, my site will look a little boring for a while, but I’m sure I’ll get to fixing it up very soon! I’ll try to get the other journals and stuff up and running, so this site will be a little more interesting! Now, on to an update: I was bad, and didn’t hit the gym yesterday. I know, I know! However, I did go walking on my lunch break for about 20 minutes, so I did get some exercise! I had only salads, veggies and fish yesterday, so at least I was good on that front! Well, I’d better run! I promise I’ll get this place back to it’s former glory, and maybe a bit more, very soon! Until then, I am very truly yours, Missy UPDATE (originally on the diary's introduction page) July 7, 1999 Well, the boycott is over, and I've decided to stay. I'm working to rebuild, but it might be awhile as I need to get my graphics back, or get new ones, who knows, and put everything back up here, in GeoCities, where it belongs. Scroll down to check out my journal! The purpose of this journal is to document my progress, or lack thereof, during my (second, third?) attempt at weight-loss. I believe that putting the numbers in print, as well as my feelings, will help me see how well I'm doing, where I need to improve, or what bad habits I need to address! I'm really very nervous about this, but hopefully this will help me, and maybe it will help someone else out there, too! Cheers! Luv, Missy July 6, 1999 Well I did okay over the weekend with my eating, however was a bit of a slacker on the exercise front. I did a lot of walking Saturday and Sunday, but very little yesterday. It’s back to the gym tonight after work. Yeehaw! As some of you may know, there’s some controversy surrounding Yahoo and Geocities right now. It appears that now that Yahoo is part of Geocities, they are laying claim to the content of our websites. That means they can use the content of our sites (That includes our words and our images, even if they come from another graphics artist) anyway they choose without informing us, getting our permission or even paying us if what they use makes them a profit. You may remember I was using some super fun graphics by Web Therapy to decorate my site. I thought the images were positive, upbeat, funky, and just plain fun! The images just made me smile the first time I saw them, which is why I used them on this site. But, I’ve taken them down now, because I do not want Yahoo! to get their grubby little fingers on them, and use them against the will of the artist and/or without crediting the artist for her work! Not only do I like and respect the artist and her work, but I am also protecting myself, because if Yahoo used any of Web Therapy’s images without permission, I am ultimately the one who will be in trouble for it! I am presently in search of a new home for Missy Jaye’s, but will keep updating here until I find a “safe” place to park my words, images, etc. Sorry this entry wasn’t much about dieting, but it’s about something that’s been on my mind, so I thought I’d share! Thanks for listening! Until next time, I am, very truly yours, Missy. If you’d like to support the boycott of Yahoo! click here, if you’d like to know what the Haunting of Geocities is all about, click on the image below: July 2, 1999 Well, not a bad start to the month (of course it’s only the second day, so who knows!): spent an hour in the gym last night, and was totally able to resist the carbos! Yay! I was able to refill and drink my 16.9 oz water bottle 3 times, which helped me feel full (and helped me get a little extra workout running back and forth to the restroom!). I was talking to the lady at my local GNC store where I get my vitamins, and she recommended an herbal product called Hydroxycut. She said she’d read about it in a magazine called Oxygen, and that it was really good at providing energy, boosting metabolism, and generally helping out with weight-loss and toning. It was $39.99 for the bottle, but she talked me into it. Out of curiosity, I also picked up a copy of Oxygen at the local grocery store. It’s mostly a magazine about women’s weight training, and competitions, which is something I’m not really interested in (I used to be: when I was younger, and thinner, I wanted to look like Rachel McLish), but it also has some good tips on general weight-loss, health care, etc. It also had a several-page-long paid advertisement on Hydroxycut, which was quite interesting. Anyway, I guess I’ll give this stuff a shot. I’m going to try it over the weekend, just in case the herbs make me sick. I’m already coming up with excuses not to go to the gym tonight: “it’s my turn to cook/come up with dinner, I should sell some CDs at The Wherehouse, I’m tired already, and it’s only noon, I can just go for a walk after work instead,” etc., etc.. . . I got an email from a lady this morning who has challenged me to lose weight and stick to my exercise regime! That really perked me up! I have accepted her challenge in the hope that knowing someone is actually going to be checking up on me and paying attention to my struggle will help motivate me! Hopefully, I’ll be able to return the favour and motivate her, too! Until next time, I am very truly yours, Missy July 1, 1999 Fresh Start (Again) Okay, so I haven’t been doing very well on my diet, exercise program, or related journals. I really thought this web page would help motivate me, but I find it’s just as easy to ignore a web page as it is to ignore my workouts and diet. Well, today is the start of a new month, and I can either say, “screw it, I’m just going to be fat and ugly the rest of my life.”, or I can try again, with a fresh slate, so to speak, and see if I can regain all the good habits I had when I was younger. There are six months left before 2000; plenty of time to lose weight, and start getting into bikini shape before the opening of “Beach Season 2000"! I need to stop wallowing in the past, as I have been for the past couple weeks. I’ve been looking back at the beginning of the year and my goal of being able to wear shorts comfortably in public by July, which is, well, now. I still weight about the same as I started the year with, with the exception of the few pounds I lost when I was sick. I had hoped to start some new, good habits then, but all the old ones have come back this week and took over again. It’s so frustrating. It’s so easy to just say, “f— it!” and give up. I’m going to try really hard not to give up. I’ve also been playing the “if only” game lately, which is very depressing. “If only I’d never stopped exercising after college”, “If only I’d heard about how carbohydrates can affect some body types - namely mine - negatively”, “If only I’d never thought I could eat as much as a man”, etc., etc. I have been imagining how great I’d look and feel if I’d just never let myself gain weight after college, or even if I’d never let myself gain the weight back after losing nearly ALL OF IT when I was on Fen-phen! How the hell did that happen? I was only 10 pounds away from my goal weight, my size 9 jeans were getting too loose, and I’d already picked out the pair of size 7's I really wanted! Then those first five pounds showed up on the scale. No problem, I thought, it’s only five pounds. Soon, it was 10, then 20, and so on. Pretty soon I stopped stepping on the scale. I’ve had to buy some larger size pants (I’d only bought one pair of 16's pre-Fen-phen, and eventually got rid of the pants), because I work, now, and can’t run around in stretch pants and over sized tee-shirts. Luckily, full-legged pants are still in style, and they look good enough for work. I have two nice suits, some dress trousers, and some nice dresses that would be perfect for work, especially now that it’s summer and rather hot, but they’re too small. Even the dresses I bought last year are too small for me now. On the weekends, I’ve just been saying “f– it” and wearing shorts and tank tops, even though I look terrible in them. It’s just too hot for jeans or stretch pants! I’m tired of wearing the same seven or eight outfits to work all the time, but it’s all I have that fits me, and I can afford to buy an all-new “fat wardrobe”. I’d rather have a “thin wardrobe”! Well, if I start now, I can still do it. Here’s to new beginnings: Cheers! Until next time, I am, very truly yours, Missy Get your own Free Home Page