The Mirror and Me

The mirror sparkled when it was new.
It was my friend-it's image true.
I was attractive, trim and small-
That person I see isn't me at all.

Oh wretched mirror please agree
That old person just can't be me.
My spirit's young and full of pep.
This spunky gal is not done yet.

Oh fickle mirror on the wall
You once saw me pert and small.
Inside I'm still so young and free,
That old gal just can't be me.

Oh cruel mirror hanging there,
What have you done-that's not my hair.
You show it thinned, blond and gray.
My spirit cries let's laugh and play.

Dusty old mirror what did you do?
That person's old, just like you.
But you're so blurred I can hardly see,
Whoever it is - it can't be me.

There are lying mirrors everywhere.
Vengeful fate has put them there.
They stole my youth like a thief or crook.
I'll get them back - I just won't look

STRANGE OLD LADY

~*~*~*~*~

A very weird thing has happened.
I have no idea who she is, where she came from,
or how she got in. I certainly didn't invite her. All I know is
that one day she wasn't here and the next day she was.

She's very clever. She manages to keep out of sight
for the most part; but whenever I pass a mirror, I catch
a glimpse of her there; and when I look into a mirror directly
to check my appearance, suddenly she's hogging the whole
thing, completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body.
It's very disconcerting.

I've tried screaming at her to leave but she just screams
back, grimacing horribly. She's really rather frightening.
If she's going to hang around, the least she could do is offer
to pay rent. But no. Every once in a while I do find a couple
of dollar bills on the kitchen counter, or some loose change
on my bureau or on the floor, but that certainly isn't enough.

In fact, though I don't like to jump to conclusions, I think
she steals money from me regularly.
I go to the ATM and withdraw a hundred dollars, and
a few days later, it's gone.
I certainly don't go through it that fast, so I can only
conclude that the old lady pilfers it.

You'd think she'd spend some of it on wrinkle cream.
God knows, she needs it.
And the money isn't the only thing she's taking.
Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate.
Especially the good stuff--ice cream, cookies,
candy--I just can't keep them in the house.
She really has a sweet tooth.
She should watch it; she's really putting on the
pounds. I think she realizes that, and to make herself
feel better, I know she is tampering with my scale so
I'll think that I'm gaining weight, too.

For an old lady, she's really quite childish. She also gets
into my closets when I'm not home and alters all my
clothes. They're getting tighter and tighter every day.
Another thing:
I wish she'd stop messing with my files and the papers
on my desk. I can't find a thing any more.
This is particularly hard to deal with because I'm extremely
neat and organized; but she manages to jumble everything
up so nothing is where it's supposed to be.

Furthermore, when I program my VCR to tape something
important, she fiddles with it after I leave the room so it
records the wrong channel or shuts off completely. She
finds innumerable, imaginative ways to irritate me.
She gets to my newspapers, magazines, and mail before
me -- and blurs all the print; and she's done something
sinister with the volume controls on my TV, radio,
and phone. Now all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

She's also made my stairs steeper, my vacuum
cleaner heavier, all my knobs and faucets hard to turn
and my bed higher and a real challenge to climb into
and out of. Furthermore, she gets to my groceries
as soon as I shelve them and applies super glue to the
tops of every jar and bottle so they're just about
impossible to open.
Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night.
More than once, her snoring has awakened me.
I don't know why she can't do something about that.
It's very unattractive

As if all this isn't bad enough, she is no longer confining
her malevolence to the house. She's now found a way to
sneak into my car with me and follows me wherever I go.
I see her reflection in store windows as I pass. and she's
taken all the fun out of clothes shopping, because her
penchant for monopolizing mirrors has extended to
dressing rooms. When I try something on, she dons an
identical outfit--which looks ridiculous on her -- and then
stands directly in front of me so I can't see how great
it looks on me!

I thought she couldn't get any meaner than that, but
yesterday she proved me wrong. She had the nerve
to come with me when I went to have some passport
pictures taken, and actually stepped in front of the
camera just as the shutter clicked.
Disaster! I have never seen such a horrible picture.
How can I go abroad now? No customs official is ever going
to believe that crone scowling from my passport is me.

She's walking on very thin ice.
If she keeps this up, I swear, I'll put her in a home.
On second thought, I shouldn't be too hasty.
First, I think I'll check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent.

(Sigh..... bet that strange old lady is on "her" puter too!)
What's a body to do??????