For some funny Irish jokes, visit one of my favorite sites, The Bartender's Joke of the Day
THE LEPRECHAUN
A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to
the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to
wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used
his hands. When he got back to class his teacher
asked, 'What do you have in your hand?'The boy
said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand
he'll get scared away.'
He was then sent to the principals office and
the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand?'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and
if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do
you have in your hand?'
So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and
if I open my hands he'll get scared away.'
He was sent to his room and his dad came in and
said, 'What do you have in your hand?'
So again the little boy said, 'A little
leprechaun and if I open my hands he will get scared away
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'
And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the shit out of him.'
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home
from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road
which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."
"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Just then, Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got
to be 145 years old!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see
what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles,
from Dublin."
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts
him on the counter. As he's drinking one drink and the green man is drinking
the
other, an Englishman down the bar who has
had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little green thing down there?"
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a raspberry,
"SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to the
Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman, "Hey, what is that
thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect. He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all go back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun
sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again-
SPLBLBLBLBT!
This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun that if he does
that
again I'll cut his dick off!" he
shouts. "You can't do that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they pee, then?" asks the Englishman.
"They don't," says the Irishman. "They go SPLBLBLBLBT."
Paddy was found dead in his back yard, and as the weather was a bit on the warm side, the wake was held down to only two days, so his mortal
remains wouldn't take a bad turn. At last his friends laid him in the box, nailed it shut & started down the hill into the churchyard. As it was a long, sloping path and the mourners were appropriately tipsy, one fellow lurched into the gatepost as they entered the graveyard. Suddenly a loud knocking came from in the box. Paddy was alive! They opened the box up and he sat up, wide eyed, and they all said, Sure, it's a miracle of God! All rejoiced & they went back and had a few more drinks but
later that day, the poor lad died. Really died. Stone cold dead. They bundled him back into his box, and as they huffed and puffed down the hill the next morning, the priest said, "Careful now, boys; mind ye don't bump the gatepost again."
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do
and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks - so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey
for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for
the pair of us.
The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again.
His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.
Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan. The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan. One night he couldn"t take any more. Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here
all hours of the night?" "Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!" "Well, next time," roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"
Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in the distant rural regions. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in attendance. "What d'ya
want me to do, Doctor?" "Hold the lantern, Mikey. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see. "Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy." "Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts, "Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mikey." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mikey. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..." Again the Doctor cuts in, "Hold the lantern, Mikey, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection. "Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"
A drunk gets on a bus and asks the conductor how long the trip is between Limerick to Cork. "About 2 hours," says the conductor. "Okay," says the drunk "then how long is the trip between Cork to Limerick?" The irate conductor says to the drunk "It's still about 2 hours, man. Why'd ya think there'd be a difference?" "Well," says the drunk, "It's only a week between Christmas and New Year's, but it's a helluva long time between New Year's to Christmas!"
Mrs. Pete Monaghan came into the newsroom to pay for her husband's obiturary. She was told by the kindly newsman that it was a dollar a word and he remembered Pete, and wasn't it too bad about him passing away. She
thanked him for his kind words and bemoaned the fact that she only had two dollars. But she wrote out the obituary, "Pete died." The newsman said he thought old Pete deserved more and he'd give her three more words at no charge. Mrs. Pete Monaghan thanked him and rewrote the obituary: "Pete
died. Boat for sale"
A young Irish girl goes into her priest on Saturday morning for confession.
"Father, forgive me for I have Thinned."
"You've Thinnned?"
"Yes, I went out with me boyfriend Friday night. He held me hand twice, kissed me three times, and made love to me two times."
"Daughter! I want you to go straight home, squeeze seven lemons into a glass, and drink it straight down."
"Will that wash away me Thin?"
"No, but it will get the silly smile off your face."
Two shipyard horses talking to each other. "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic horse?" "Catholic,
why" "Keep that quiet, I had a friend last week who told them he was lame and they shot him".
Man runs out of a West Belfast pub with his arms on fire Police catch him and charge him with having
an armalite.
Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. "Under Saudi law you are
sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back,
what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. The English
man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go
to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. Next came the German.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to
something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard "Nothing" said the German and,
after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, called the prison guards Schisers and started off
towards the airport. The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to
30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would
you like?" "Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
It's revolutionary Paris, 1789, and three spies from across the channel are about to be guillotined. "Do you wan't to be
beheaded on your back or your front?" The executioner asked Smith. "On my back," said Smith. "I'm not afraid of death." So Smith was laid on his back under the blade. The executioner pulled the lever. Schlick... and the blade jammed. Smith was reprieved because no man can be sentenced to death twice. Hoskins
was next. He too chose to face the knife. Again the blade jammed, and Hoskins was reprieved. Murphy was third. "Back or front?"
"If it's good enough for Smith and Hoskins, it's good enough for me," and so Murphy was laid on his back under the blade. "Begorrah," he said. "Just a minute. I think i can see why it jams."
Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the
shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and
had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower
and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by
came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try
that budgie jumping". (nb a "Budgie" is a parakeet)
Irish business men have their names printed on the front and back of their business card in case
someone looses them.
Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs it. Out comes the Genie and asks "Master you have released
me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes, what would you like" Irishman scratches his head,
then answers "A bottle of Guinness that never gets empty. "Granted master" retorted the Genie and
produced the bottle. The man was delighted and got drunk on this one magic Guiness bottle for
weeks then he remembered that he had two other wishes. He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie
appeared. "Yes master, you have two more wishes, what would you like?" "You know that magic,
never ending Guinness bottle" he asks the Genies. "Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like another two
of them".
"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"
"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
Pat and Mike were doing some street repairs in front of a known house of ill repute in Boston. A Jewish Rabbi came walking down the street, looked the
left, looked to right, and ducked into the house.
Pat paused a bit from swinging his pick and said "Mike...will you look at that! A man of the cloth, and going into a place like that in broad daylight!".
A bit later, a Baptist minister came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and scurried into the house.
Mike layed down his shovel, turned to Pat and said "Pat! Are you seeing what I'm seeing? A man of the Church, and he's giving that place his custom!" Just then, a Catholic Priest came down the street, looked to the left, looked to the right, and slipped into the bawdy house. Pat and Mike straightened up, removed their hats, and Mike says "Faith, and there must be somebody sick in there."
One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, "Well now, Mrs. Flanagan. I'm a bit perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning I can tell exactly what's wrong."
Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, "The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don't know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?"
Mr. Flanagan replied, "I don't know, but if you go see Mrs. O'Toole, she'll know what to do."
Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O'Toole's and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over
her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.
A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?"
"I went to see Mrs. O'Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said 'Piss in a bottle, woman.' So, I said 'Go shit in yer hat !'
And the fight was on."
Four priests board a train for a long journey to a church council
conference. Shortly into the trip, one priest says "Well, we've all
worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I
suggest we tell each other one of our sins." They look nervously at
each other but nod OK. The first priest says "Since I suggested it,
I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my
collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few
days. Get it out of my system." They all look each other again
nervously, but the next priest slowly starts "Wellll......with me,
it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and
go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system." The third,
who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My
sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district,
pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it
out of my system." They all look at the fourth priest waiting. He
doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've
all told our innermost faults. It's your turn." He looks at the others
and starts hestitantly "Welllllll..... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I
can't wait to get off this train!"
Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's signature on a hot cross bun....
What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
Third grade.
The New Priest
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the
mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:
- A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
Senior, Junior, and the Spook.
- David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
- When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say: "He was stoned off his ass."
- We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
- When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, "Eat me."
- The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
- The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"
- Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for shelter. His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few spots o' rain, now?"
Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."
As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
How can you identify an Irish pirate?
He's the one with patches over both eyes.
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman went into a pub for a pint of Guinness one day. After
being served a fly landed in each of their pints and stuck in the creamy heads.
The Englishman pushed his pint away from him in disgust and proceeded to order another pint.
The Scotsman simply fished the offending fly out with his finger and proceeded to drink his pint as if
nothing had happened.
The Irishman, eyes wide with anger grabbed the fly and held it over his pint shouting "SPIT IT
OUT!!! SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARAD!!!"
One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing
and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up
and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into
the woods on the side of the fairway. He
goes looking for his ball and comes across
this little guy with this huge knot on his
head, and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to
revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking,
the little guy says, "Well, you caught me
fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I
will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly,"
and walks away. Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun
says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he
did catch me, so I have to do something for
him. I'll give him the three things that I
would want. I'll give him unlimited money,
a great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past (as they often do in
jokes like this) and the same
golfer is out golfing on the same course at
the 16th hole. He gets up and
hits one into the same woods and goes off
looking for his ball. When he
finds the ball he sees the same little guy
and asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I
ask how your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under
par every time."
The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And
might I ask how your money
is holding out?" The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention
it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred dollar bill."
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that
for you, too. And might I ask how your sex
life is?"
The golfer looks at him a little shyly and
says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once
or twice a week? Is that all?!"
The golfer looks at him and says, "Well,
that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in
a small parish."
A man is walking down the streets of Belfast late one night when another man jumps out of the shadows holding a machine gun and asks: "Are you Catholic or Protestant?" The first man responds "Neither I'm Jewish." In a hail of gun fire he falls dead. The second man starts to walk away and thinks to himself, I'm the luckiest damn Arab in Ireland.
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? One less drunk at the wake.
Some Guinness was spilt on the barroom floor
When the pub was shut for the night.
When out of his hole crept a wee brown mouse
And stood in the pale moonlight.
He lapped up the frothy foam from the floor
Then back on his haunches he sat.
And all night long, you could hear the mouse roar,
"Bring on the goddamn cat!"
