My name is Kathy and I am 41 years old. I am bipolar (which is the medical term for manic/depressive). This change in diagnosis was only made a two years when I got a new doctor. I was initially diagnosed with clinical depression and placed on antidepressants about ten years ago. What I didn't know was that, if a bipolar person only takes antidepressants and no mood stabilizers, the medication can actually make the manic/hypomanic episodes worse. I was in therapy for a number of years and always felt that if I just tried harder, I could get the mood swings under control. The inability to do so really affected my self-esteem and self-confidence. The "if onlys" almost killed me. During this ten years, I had several different doctors due to moving around a lot. Not one of them even considered bipolar disorder. I was even subjected to the MMPI test several times and it did not show bipolar disorder either. (According to many, this test will show bipolar disorder but it is not totally accurate.) My current doctor reconsidered the diagnosis of clinical depression and placed me on a mood stabilizer as well as my antidepressant. The change was dramatic. The violent mood swings have almost totally disappeared. During the past two years, I have felt like a new person. The lows are not so low and the highs have almost disappeared. For the first time in my life, I am not swinging between feeling totally depressed or being on top of the world. I feel that I am finally getting control of my disorder.

Since being diagnosed as bipolar, I have done a lot of research on it. One of my reasons for creating this page was to provide information for those who are also bipolar. As there are several different variations within the disorder, it is sometimes hard to make an accurate diagnosis and bipolar disorder is often overlooked. I strongly suggest that anyone who has been diagnosed as clinically depressed, is on medication, yet still consistently has severe mood swings, consider asking their doctor about bipolar disorder. Not everyone has "manic" episodes. I, personally, am hypomanic and am also a very rapid cycler. I have never experienced the episodes of wild elation and psychosis that most people believe are usually associated with bipolar disorder and many others do not experience it either. I also experience "mixed states" in which I am depressed and high at virtually the same time.

Bipolar disorder is like any other disease and has a morbidity rate. However, unlike other diseases, the morbidity factor in bipolar disorder is suicide. The suicide rate among those who are bipolar is one in four or five. A twenty to twenty-five percent suicide rate is nothing to sneeze at. But, like other chronic diseases, the morbidity rate is reduced with treatment. Just like the hypertensive or diabetic person has to control their disease, those of us who are bipolar must do the same. If we do, we can lead relatively normal lives. I would like to share a little of what my life has been like.  

As I said before, I was only diagnosed as bipolar two years ago. However, unknowingly, I have fought the disorder my whole life. The greatest effect having bipolar disorder has had on my life is instability — instability in employment, instability in relationships (I have been married four times), instability with family - instability in general. I started working when I was fifteen years old. I am now forty. In those twenty-five years, the longest time I have ever held one job is twenty two months. If you were to contact any of my previous employers, you would be told that there were times that I seemed unbeatable. My work performance and product were excellent. Then came the times when I would eventually crash. Because the hypomanic state is not constant. Poor performance and work product followed the cycling from the hypomanic to the depressed state. And I would eventually quit because I was afraid that I would be fired.  

The same thing can be said of my marriages. There would be times that I was "Wonder Woman" and times that I literally couldn’t make it out of bed. While I was in the depressive cycle, I became almost agoraphobic. I would withdraw and isolate myself from others because I did not want them to see me. 

Another thing that bipolars do is blow through other people's lives and leave a legacy of pain and confusion. We are loveable people when we are stable but when we are not, we hurt and destroy those who love us the most.

My latest husband and I are trying to make our relationship work in spite of the problems created by my illness. The frustrations of living with a Bipolar can be terrible. If he were not very understanding, we would probably be divorced. He has also researched my disorder himself and has also researched what significant others can do to help the Bipolar live a more stable, happy and content life. He has learned not to take things personally as so many other significant others do. We love each other very much and are working very hard to have a happy marriage. He has a webpage - but his is titled "The Other Side of the Face" and is about living with someone who is bipolar. It has information and advice for the significant others of those of us who have bipolar disorder. There is a link to his site on my home page. He cares about people who are bipolar and their significant others and would like anyone who is the significant other of a bipolar to send him their stories to put on his page in an effort to help others to understand how to deal with this illness.

Another reason I created this page was to educate. Bipolar disorder is a mental illness. And, in our society, to admit to having a mental illness is just not done. There is great social stigma attached to mental illness. My feeling is that, when people are told you have a mental illness, they expect you to suddenly pull an ax from your purse and start chopping away at them. The brain is an organ and made up of tissue and blood just like the other organs of our bodies. What I do not understand is why people can accept a person having heart disease, or liver disease, or kidney disease, or a disease of any other organ; but, they cannot accept a disease of the brain. Bipolar disorder is neurobiological. That means that there is a physical cause. It is a chemical imbalance in the neurotransmitters in the brain. It is not something that is just a lack of self-control. It is a neurobiological illness which requires treatment with medication. Without the proper treatment, it can lead to death. The worst thing is that death is generally at the hand of the person suffering from the disorder. Bipolar disorder is also believed to be genetic. Studies are currently being done on families with high instances of bipolar disorder in order to locate the gene that causes it. 

The only way for the social stigma of mental illness to be removed is to educate and explain that it is only one of the many illnesses that can affect our bodies and, as a result, our lives. Just because a person suffers from a mental illness does not mean that they cannot be any less a productive member of society as a person who has any other chronic illness can be. Most bipolars are highly intelligent people. In fact, there are a great many creative, and even famous, persons who suffer from bipolar disorder. Just as I am now learning to calm my brain and have a normal, functional life, they have also learned to do so.

It is my hope that you will follow some of the links here and learn more about bipolar disorder. If you think you may have it, contact a reputable psychiatrist and be evaluated. Take it from me, you cannot get better without help. But with medication and help, bipolar disorder is controllable.