July 3rd
I feel pretty good this morning, but by the afternoon
the fever has returned. I don't really do anything
all day but stay in the bed. I'm taking Tylenol for
the fever and I've started to use an ice pak on my
forehead to take the discomfort away. My appetite is
nil. Each morning, starting last Monday I go to the
doctor's office to get a new bag of chemical and a
new battery. When I get home, I go to bed. As
evening rolls around, I am pretty uncomfortable. I
don't feel like chewing anything, in fact, chewing is
repugnant to me. I can drink stuff, but it's the
chewing that seems so distasteful. Jane is eating
some leftover salmon and the smell is disgusting to
me. I have developed a weird sensitivity to some
smells.
That night my left arm starts to bother me. It is
feeling numb around the wrist and there is some pain
at the crook of the arm, on the inside of the elbow.
I have been trying to ignore this arm, figuring by
not focusing on it, that my mind will remain stronger.
Laying in bed, with a fever over 101 degrees, I
have a realization, all at once. Not only is
ignoring this arm not going to work, but I've been
ignoring the way my body feels for months, maybe
years. It may be this fact that has caused the onset
of leukemia. How could this be?
It's like this. First of all, I don't know if
there is any truth to this, it's a hunch really, but
if I believe it, especially if I believe it
subconsciously, it may be a reality. Think of
good health and its resulting feeling in the mind as
a clean mirror that reflects perfectly. Simply said,
when you are healthy you feel good. The feedback to
your mind from your muscles through the nerves is
good. Now, let's say you do something that you know
is not good for you, like drinking too much at a
party. Next day, you don't feel too good. A slight
film covers the mirror. If you hurt, you may want to
ignore the feeling of it. Maybe to mask the feeling
you drink strong coffee, this further drives you from
the body's natural state. Let's face it coffee
drinkers, caffeine is an addictive substance. Add
another layer of film to the mirror. Maybe you eat
some food that you know isn't good for you, add
another layer. And so on. Everyone determines
what's good and bad for them, and have this
information stored in their minds, either consciously
or subconsciously. Finally, what seems to
happen is that we have cut ourselves off from the
feeling of our natural selves. The feelings of guilt
about this, coupled with the actual chemistry, have
put us out of touch with ourselves. Does this make
sense to you? Well, regardless, it made sense to my
fevered brain and I realized how long I had been
ignoring the way I felt. I decided to focus on my
painful arm. To bring the pain into myself mentally,
to embrace it rather than ignore it. The arm actually
begin to feel better. I slowly rotated the arm, with
rythmic motions, imagining someone doing Tai Chi,
that ancient Chinese method of exercise. The
numbness seemed to be going away some.
I decided right there and then to focus more on
the good feelings of my body, especially when this is
all over. I'll not create a guilty conscience by
doing what I feel is contrary to my health. I'll
keep my mirror clean, free of film. This will demand
discipline, but right now I've got it and healthy
living is a habit too, just as unhealthy living is.
I'll develop a positive outlook on the way I feel.
At this point, and from this perspective, I realize
how crummy I've been feeling lately. I start to
wonder if I haven't had hairy cell leukemia for a
long time, or at least, its precursors.
I sleep well after this.
July 4th
