Humor
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You're Not A Kid Anymore When .....
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Humorous Headlines
GRANDMOTHER OF EIGHT MAKES HOLE IN ONE
DEFENDANT'S SPEECH ENDS IN LONG SENTENCE
TUNA BITING OFF WASHINGTON COAST
COMPLAINTS ABOUT NBA REFEREES GROWING UGLY
DOCTOR TESTIFIES IN HORSE SUIT
POLICE DISCOVER CRACK IN AUSTRALIA
U.S. AUDIT FINDS FUNDS FOR YOUTH MISSPENT
DEAF MUTE GETS NEW HEARING IN KILLING
HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF
INCLUDE YOUR CHILDREN WHEN BAKING COOKIES
SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS
IRAQI HEAD SEEKS ARMS
TEACHER STRIKES IDLE KIDS
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
TWO SISTERS REUNITED AFTER 18 YEARS AT CHECKOUT COUNTER
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE
ASBESTOS SUIT PRESSED
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
MEN RECOMMEND MORE CLUBS FOR WIVES
STIFF OPPOSITION EXPECTED TO CASKETLESS FUNERAL PLAN
MANY ANTIQUES SEEN AT D.A.R. MEETING
IKE SAYS NIXON CAN'T STAND PAT
TWO CONVICTS EVADE NOOSE; JURY HUNG
UPS FOOD SERVICE FEEDS THOUSANDS, GROSSES MILLIONS
HOUSE PASSES GAS TAX ONTO SENATE
MAN HELD OVER GIANT L.A. BRUSH FIRE
CHEF THROWS HIS HEART INTO HELPING FEED NEEDY
TRAFFIC DEAD RISE SLOWLY
FLAMING TOILET SEAT CAUSES EVACUATION AT HIGH SCHOOL
ALL STARS TURN ON SPARSE CROWD
COLLEGIANS ARE TURNING TO VEGETABLES
HALF MILLION ITALIAN WOMEN SEEN ON PILL
SAFETY EXPERTS SAY SCHOOL BUS PASSENGERS SHOULD BE BELTED
MILK DRINKERS ARE TURNING TO POWDER
SCIENTISTS TO HAVE FORD'S EAR
S. FLORIDA ILLEGAL ALIENS CUT IN HALF BY NEW LAW
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Poorly Worded Ads
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
Great Dames for sale.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered Like one of the family.
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
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You're not a kid anymore when ...
Your back goes out more than you do
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You have a party, and the neighbors don't even realize it.
Your are proud of your lawn mower.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools.
People call at p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "Because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
You still buy records, and you think a CD is a certificate of deposit.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You have a dream about prunes.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass", and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
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Things You Would Never Know Without The Movies
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of year.
The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - no one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected.
Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they are going to go off.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition, even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You are very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language - a German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will patiently attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one ever involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at the precise moment that it is aired.
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Ever Wonder?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Why do they sterilize needles for a lethal injection?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?
How does a thermos know when to keep something hot, hot and something cold, cold?
What is the speed of dark?
Why are there Braille signs at drive-up ATMs?
How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
If you melt dry ice, can you swim without getting wet?
Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you always have to put your two cents in? ..... Somebody is making a penny!
If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?
Suppose there were no hypothetical situations.
Why isn't phonetics spelled like it sounds?
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You Might Be Addicted To Gadgets If .....
If you use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car
If you have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
If you window shop at Radio Shack
If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
If you introduce your wife as "mylady@home.wife"
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner
If you look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
If you want an 8X CD-ROM for Christmas
If Dilbert is your hero
If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
If you have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area
If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
If you are convinced you can build a phazer out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
If you have modified your can-opener to be microprocessor driven
If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
If you own "Official Star Trek" anything
If you have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
If you are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
If you own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
If you have never backed-up your hard drive
If you are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
If you truly believe aliens are living among us
If you have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
If you have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"
If you see a good design and still have to change it
If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
If the thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind
If you own a set of itty-bitty screw drivers, but you don't remember where they are
If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
If you have more toys than your kids
If you need a checklist to turn on the TV
If you have introduced your kids by the wrong name
If you have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work
If your I.Q. number is bigger than your weight
If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
If you can remember 7 computer passwords but not your anniversary
If you have memorized the program schedule for the Discovery channel and have seen most of the shows already
If you have ever owned a calculator with no equal key and know what RPN stands for
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal
If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screw driver to use
If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
If you can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week
If you did the sound system for your senior prom
If your checkbook always balances
If your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone
If you have more friends on the Internet than in real life
If you thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers
If you think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
If you spend more on your home computer than your car
If you know what http:// stands for
If you've ever tried to repair a $5.00 radio
If you have a neatly sorted collection of old bolts and nuts in your garage
If your three year old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory
If your lap-top computer costs more than your car
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