There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?" He asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.."Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"
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the main difference between men and boys is
that men's toys cost more money
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Q.How do you confuse a blond?
A.You don't, they're born that way.
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There was a guy who just got out of a really bad divorce with his wife. One day, he found a genie's lamp.
The genie came out and said," Hello master. I will grant you three wishes but, what ever you wish for your wife gets double."
The guy didn't like that part but he made a wish anyway. For his first wish, he said,
"Genie, I want a house in Hawaii." POOF!!! He got one house, his wife got two. This didn't make him happy but, he made his second wish.
"Genie,I want 2 billion dollars." POOF! He got two billion, his wife four billion. By now, this guy isn't very happy. The genie says,"You have one wish left. I have to remind you, what ever you wish for your wife gets double." The guy says," Yeah,yeah.I know." So the guy thinks real hard and says "
I got it! Genie, beat me half to death!!"
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Why did the men from the Heavens Gate Cult prefer Mounds candy bars over Almond Joy?
Because Almond joy's have nuts and Mounds don't.
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A duck walks into a bar and asks "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no.
Duck walks out. Duck walks in the next day and asks, "got any crackers?"
bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, "I told you yesterday and the day before that no! and if you ask that one more time Ill nail your beak shut!" Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, "got any nails?" bar tender says no. Duck says "good. Got any crackers?"
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What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
-God doesn't think he's an attorney.
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Talk is cheap...until you hire a lawyer.
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Did you hear about the lawyer who named his daughter Sue?
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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear in court? -Lawsuits.
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How is a lawyer like a pickpocket? -Need you ask.
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A guy walks into a bar and says ouch!
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Why does the town idiot take his bedroom door off the hinges and put it to the side every night when he goes to sleep?
Because he's afraid someone would look through the keyhole if he left it up.
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Both the American Government and Robin Hood took money from the people. Robin Hood took money from the rich and gave it to the poor.
The government takes money from the people that it made poor, and gives it to the rich.
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A sandwitch walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he served food and he said no so the sandwich left
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A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and says to the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that if you put a shotglass at that end of the bar, I could stand at the other end and fill it up with my urine." Well the bartender thinks, "That's an easy $100." So he says "Okay." So the guy gets on top of the bar and pees everywhere, even on the bartender. Well, the bartender doesn't care, he just won $100. So very happily the bartender asks for his money. The guy very happily says, "Here you go!" The bartender then asks, "Why are you so happy?" And the guy says, "Well, do you see that guy at the other end of the bar? I bet him $1000 that I could pee on you and you would be happy!"]
A mushroom walks into a bar and says "drinks are on me" the bartender said "why are you buying everybody drinks" then the mushroom said "because I'm just a Fungi"
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Q.How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?
A.Wave at him.
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To meet the Budwiser frogs and get a beer.
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A hunter stopped into a bar for a beer at the end of his day.
"So you're a hunter," observed the bar maid. "Doesn't it depress you to kill beautiful and innocent animals who could never hurt anyone?"
"Not at all" said the hunter. "We hunters only kill the sick animals. The environment is better off because we kill animals that should be taken out of the wild. We provide a valuable service."
The bar maid looked out onto the hunter's Land Rover and saw the now lifeless big brown eyes of the slain beautiful deer. "You shot Bambi!" she exclaimed. "How could you kill Bambi?" "No ma'am" defended the hunter. "I didn't kill Bambi. That is Bambi's sick and dangerous brother Spike. I spotted him with an elevated white blood cell count indicating a rare but deadly bone disease."
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What is the difference between a "Battery" and a woman? A. A battery has a positive side.
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Did you hear about the two additional victims of Heaven's Gate recently discovered at the mansion? The police found two blondes under the kitchen sink behind the comet
Q.How did the town drunk break his arm raking leaves?
A.He fell out of the tree.
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A skelton walked into a dentist's office for a routine check up. "Well your teeth look fine" said the dentist, "but I'm afraid you'll have to come back a few times for gum disease treatments."
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Q. What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
A. There both empty from the neck up
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(1.Q) How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(1.A) Who knows they never get the house.
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(2.Q) How many divorced Women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(2.A) 4..... 1 to screw in the bulb, 3 to form a support group.
Key to understanding Saddam Hussein's military insignia system:
1 stripe means the solider knows how to speak, but not against Saddam Hussein.
2 stripes means the solider knows how to speak in full sentences, (but of course not against Saddam Hussein).
3 stripes means the soldier knows how to speak in full sentences, AND he knows someone who knows someone who lives next to someone who has a telephone. (But nobody says anything wrong against Saddam Hussein.
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Two tomatos were walking over the street, one infront of the other and the first one was tired of how slow the other one was. Then the second tomato was runover by a car, and the other one replied " Hey, ketchup.
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Q:What did the turkey say to the chicken
A:gobble gobble
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Q: What is the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up the bagpipe!
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A termite walks into a bar and asks for the bar tender.
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Q. why was the dumb blond stare at a carton of orange juice?
A. because it said concentrate.
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One day a blonde was sitting out in a rowboat in the middle of a cornfield. Another blonde drove by ans stopped. She hollered ot to the blonde in the rowboat " You're the reason we blondes have a bad name. If I knew how to swim I'd go out there and hit you"
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A kid is flunking a public school, so his parents move him into a private school. All the sudden in the private school his grades skyrocket up to A's. Then one night at the dinner table his parents ask,"Why were you doing so bad in a public school, and when we switched you to a private school you did good?" The kid responds,"because I knew they were serious about school. The first day I walked in they had a guy nailed to a plus sign."
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Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other. One cow says, "Hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?" The other cow says, "Why should I? I'm a chicken."
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After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you." Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back, "An arm and a leg." "Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"
