Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly
letting loud farts.
His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on
knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little
Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody,
and I'm very proud of that fact."
The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you,
will you stop?"
Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of
paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each
one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and
blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.
The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted
down and farted but when she was done, and there was not a
trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished
and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing
and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up
underneath her skirt.
"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "you've got a
Double-Barrel!"
~~~~~~
A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see
what her options were concerning her rapidly sagging face.
"We can give you an old fashioned face-lift, or we can use a
new high-tech procedure called the knob."
"What is the knob, doctor?", she asked.
"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on
the back of your head. We then connect it to the facial
muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkles and
sagging, you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin
is nice and tight again."
"Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied
excitedly. The operation was a complete success and she
looked 15 years younger.
As time passed, when she would notice new sagging, she
would simply tighten the knob and viola! Her face was
beautiful again.
One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and
saw very large bags under her eyes. Alarmed, she called
her doctor and reported the bags.
"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the
doctor replied.
After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are
your breasts."
To which she said, "Well, I guess that explains the beard !"
~~~~~~
A man was walking one day, when he came to this big
house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there
was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed
another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple
behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door
of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered
the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.
"This is a brothel", replied the madam.
"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.
"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."
~~~~~~
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on
the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much Pastor." replied the one lad. "We just seeing
who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys ! Boys ! Boys !" he intoned. "I'm shocked. Why
when was your age, I never even thought about sex at all."
They all replied, pretty much in unison, "You win Pastor !"
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
Molly, age 9, and Sammy, age 10, are sitting on the front
porch swing. Sammy says to Molly, "Screw you, Molly."
A minute goes by and Molly replies, "Screw YOU, Sammy."
A moment or two and Sammy says, "Screw YOU, Molly."
In response, "Screw *YOU*, Sammy," Molly says.
After about ten minutes of this, Molly's mom comes out on
the porch and says, "What on earth are you kids doing?"
They reply in unison, "We're having oral sex!"
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed
into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the
track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train
company to court.
At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver
ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly
a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated
how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit
was dismissed.
"Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it
was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."
"Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."
"How's that?" the lawyer asked.
"I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was
lit!"
~~~~~~
A man is walking around the streets of New York one day
when he spies an old friend of his from college. "Boris!" he
yells. "I haven't seen you in ages! How have you been?"
"Well," Boris replies. "I am the piccolo player for the
International Orchestra."
"Spectacular!" the man replies.
"It is not what you might think, my friend. We play for the king
of England, he loves the music. He says 'Fill the instruments
with gold!' and they fill the tuba with gold and they fill the
trombone with gold, and me with the goddamn piccolo.
"We play for the queen of France. She loves the music; she
says 'Fill the instruments with silver!' and they fill the tuba with
silver and they fill the trombone with silver, and me with the
goddamn piccolo.
"Then we play for the czar of Russia. He hates the music; he
say 'Shove the instruments up their asses!' and the tuba
doesn't fit and the trombone doesn't fit. AND ME WITH THE
GODDAMN PICCOLO....!"
~~~~~~
At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking
at the cards, finally shaking her head, "No."
A clerk came over and asked, "May I help you?"
"I don't know," said the woman. "Do you have any 'Sorry I
laughed at your dick' cards?"
~~~~~~
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the
strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice
ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who
could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the
money.
Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,
longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick
glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky
voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said
OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the
wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the
man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell
into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and
asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you
a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRA." (Income Tax Authority)
~~~~~~
"Say," said the smooth operator in a confidential tone to the
host of the party, "there's a lot of hot babes at this party. If I
find one that's ready to grab a quick one, would you mind if I
used your extra bedroom?"
"What about your wife?"
"Oh, I won't be gone that long. She'll never miss me."
"No, I'm sure she won't miss you," smirked the host, "but
fifteen minutes ago. She borrowed the extra bedroom."
~~~~~~
Not too long ago a large seminar was held for ministers in
training.
Among the speakers were many well known motivational
speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of
my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my
wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that
woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and
he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended the
seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly
approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse
the joke in his head. It seemed a bit foggy to him this morning.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years
of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was
not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for almost
10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the
pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she
was!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Myrtle, after looking about the farm, and being amazed by what she
saw, stepped into a barn and saw something she thought was quite remarkable. She saw the farmer walk by and hailed him - he sauntered in.
"Sir," she inquired, "Why doesn't this cow have any horns?"
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a
patient tone: "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down
with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns
by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow
in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of
cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't
have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
~~~~~~
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small
coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one
fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large
yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on
the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch
them.
The Mexican replied, only a little while.
The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and
catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's
immediate needs.
The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest
of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little,
play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria,
stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and
play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help
you. You should spend more time fishing and with the
proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the
bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you
would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your
catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would
control the product, processing and distribution. You would
need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to
Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run
your expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all
take?"
To which the American replied, "15-20 years."
"But what then?"
The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When
the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your
company stock to the public and become very rich, you would
make millions."
"Millions.. Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small
coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a
little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife,
stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip
wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
---
Do you know why New Changi Hospital got a new name?
reason one : the occupancy is low
reason two : staff morale low
reason three : no Dr would want to do any referral to this hospital
Do you want to know why - the reason is simple because NCH stands for
Never Come Home !!!!!!!!!
They changed their name to Changi General Hospital (CGH). No complaints
so far as whoever stays there Can Go Home.
Want to know about SGH, why it's still there after so many years,
because anyone who stays there Sure Go Home (but no guarantee which HOME).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where
a train stops. On my desk I have a work station. GO FIGURE!
If Fedex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool
came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?"
The groom says "I'll look for a bug." He looks behind the
drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the
rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his Swiss army
knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the
window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds
"How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was
your stay at the Watergate Hotel?"
The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these
questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room UNDER you
complained of the chandelier falling on them."
~~~~~~
~~~~~~
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at
night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs
parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class
as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying
to acquire building materials for his home. She said "...And so
the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and
said "Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw to
build my house with?"
Then the teacher asked the class "And what do you think that
man said?" and my friend's son raised his hand and said "I
know! I know! He said 'Holy Shit!! A talking pig!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
~~~~
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
During his visit to the United States the Pope met with
President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled,
the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President
Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media. The President
was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success.
He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to
the White House to be with his family.
A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement.
He looked tired, discouraged and was practically in tears.
Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a
failure.
Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President
Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the
two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed". Exasperated,
the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten
Commandments."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~
Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.
The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of
a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.
The other gents nodded and agreed that that, indeed, would
have been exciting.
The second, a retired fireman, related the tale of a huge fire at
the university several years back. There were flames, firetrucks
from several area fire departments, but the most exciting part
were the naked coeds jumping from their dorm windows into his
arms. The others gents agreed that had to be a very exciting
time.
The third guy started, "I was an undertaker. One night I got a
call to pick up a body that was under a sheet in a hotel room.
When I got there, the guy had a huge erection. I knew there
was no way I could get him through the lobby like that. So I
found an old broom and whacked that erection just as hard as I
could to make it go down." He paused. The retired fireman
asked, "So, how was that exciting?"
The undertaker answered, "Well, you see, I was in the wrong
room."
~~~~~~
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops
had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only
way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the
middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So
he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took
a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy
voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really
nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.
So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She
said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really
good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no
panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious
like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said,
"Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my
tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think
you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
~~~~~~
A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just
immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases.
In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar
bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did
you get all this money?"
"Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I
traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest
rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to
Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco. I vent into all the stalls
here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel
or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'"
"That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the
second suitcase?"
"Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not
everyone likes to give..."
~~~~~~
Whilst enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke
decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone
by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink
and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place.
The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her
flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it.
Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a
cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to
find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of
matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another
man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he inquires nervously.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?"
"No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.
Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her
face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
~~~~~~
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-
syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a
few of the children examples of words with more than one
syllable.
"Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some
thought Jane proudly replied with "Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does
anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike
instead. "OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables."
Not wanting to be outdone, Johnny says "I know a four syllable
word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the
teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four
syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says,
"Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two
syllables."
~~~~~~