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Joey sighed and picked up the next story.
Joey: Guys, this one sounds interesting.
Dawson: None of these stories are interesting. By it's nice that you are still optimistic after being stuck in this place for so long.
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Disclaimer: I do not own Dawson's Creek or any
of it's characters. Nor do I own South Park or any of it's characters.
Pacey: Well, it's got a good disclaimer. I'll give it that. Short and sweet. None of that incomprehensible dribble like that Snowgirl's.
Dawson’s Creek Meets South Park
By: Arlene Suero NYC
Stan, Kenny and Cartman are in Stan’s house getting ready to watch TV.
Stan: Hey guys! Come on lets watch some TV.
Cartman: Are they giving Terrance and Phillip?
Stan: No dumbass! That was yesterday and you missed it!
Cartman: Hey! Shut up you buttlicker! It wasn’t my fault. Kitty made me
drop my milk on the
TV and it blew up!
Kenny: Mrrrm mrrrph mrrph mmrrrrph! (Translation: That was a great
episode too!)
Cartman: Shut up Kenny!
Stan: Hey guys! There’s a new episode of Dawson’s Creek on tonight.
Kenny: Mrrrph mrrph mmmmrrrph mrrrrph mrph? (Translation: Is this the
one where
Dawson and Pacey discover their love for each other?)
Dawson: Not again! I am so sick of those pretentious little fanfic writers making me gay! Do I look gay!?
The Pacey, Joey, and Jen look at each other. None of them answer.
Dawson: Thanks guys. I mean I think it's starting to be a pattern!
Pacey: Lighten up Dawson! Do you think
I enjoy them making me your boy toy? No. I take it as a joke and laugh at it. You know,
laughing? That's when you make funny sounds when something id funny. You should try it.
Stan: Eeeewwww gross! I don’t want to see that gay shit!
Dawson: Me neither.(He grumbles)
Cartman: Turn it on anyway. This is also the one where Jen and Joey turn
lesbian and then
kill Dawson for ever coming between them and the vibrating dildo they
both love so dearly.
Pacey: Now there's a plot!
Stan: What’s a dildo?
Kenny: Mrrrm mrrrph mrrph mmrrrrph. (Translation: It’s a fake wee-wee.)
Stan: Oh, ok. Well the show’s coming on now so shut up guys.
They sit on the couch, and Stan turns on the TV. It shows Dawson and
Joey in Dawson’s
room. (like always)
Joey: So Dawson. Are we watching movies tonight? I’m in the mood for
romance.
Dawson: Yeah sure Joey. I’m always
Joey: Well then stick it in Dawson. What are you waiting for?
Dawson: Well which one do you want? “Titanic” or “Romeo + Juliet”?
Joey: Romeo + Juliet. It’s kind of sad the way they belong together but
then again, they
can’t be together.
Dawson: (chuckles) Yeah Joe. I know what you mean. (they look at each
other longingly) Boy
do I...
Pacey: Ah, gag me.
Jen: Really!
(Scene fades, and Paula Cole’s “I don’t Wanna Wait” comes on.)
Cartman: Well guys what did you think of that?
Stan: I think it sucked ass! Big time. You know it would be so much
better if we were on
that crummy show!
Cartman: Yeah! I’d kick Dawson’s butt and change the name of the show to
“Cartman’s
Creek”
Dawson: Funny, it doesn't have the same
ring.
Kenny: Mrrmph mrrph mrrmphh mrphrrm murrph (Translation: Yeah and then
both Jen and
Joey will be mine!)
Dawson: Ha!
Joey: What? I kinda have a thing for
short guys. I just have a thing about the speech impediment.
Cartman: Yes, I can see it now...
(The scene fades and we enter a place far from time... and much farther
from logic and
reason. We’re now entering - The Cartman Zone!...)
(Cartman and Joey are in Cartman’s room watching a Terrance and Phillip
movie)
Cartman: So how do you like the movie Joey?
Joey: Everything is wonderful with you around Cartman. You are such a
hunk of man!
Joey: (mumbles) He's a hunk of
something. But I don't think it's man.
Cartman: I know Joey. What will you do without me?...
Joey: Can I please have one kiss Carty baby? Hmm?
Cartman: Well you know I can’t resist it when you call me “Carty
baby”... Ok maybe just one.
Joey: Yay! You’ve just made me so happy!
Cartman: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
(They lean in for a kiss when Jen busts in the door wearing a trench
coat.)
Joey: What are you doing here Jen? You hussy!
Pacey: I smell a catfight!
Jen: (Ignoring Joey) Cartman, I came here to let you know that you have
options.
Dawson: Is anyone else felling deja vu?
Cartman: And just what are those options you sweet thing you.
Jen: You can either have (gives a look to Joey) a girl. Or you can have
(takes her trench coat
off revealing her naked self for all to see) a woman. (Walks over to
him) Now which do you
choose?
(Cartman is staring at Jen, drooling. Joey is giving Jen the
I’ll-get-you-you-slut look, and
Jen is busy rubbing her hands all over herself. Meanwhile, Stan and
Kenny come in)
Pacey: Um, I think I'd like to come in
too!
Stan: Hey Cartman, whats- DUDE! You’ve got two chicks in your room and
one of them is
butt-naked!
Kenny: Mrrph mrrrph mrrphh mrrph? (Translation: Can I have the naked
one?)
Cartman: I know what your thinking boys. How do I do it? Well to tell
you the truth I don’t
know. I guess I’m just a natural beefcake. I sometimes amaze myself...
Jen: You know Pacey, He reminds me of you.
Pacey: Well, thanks Jen. I guess a I'm a "natural beefcake" too!
Jen: No, I'm talking about how you both have huge ego's!
Pacey: (grumbles)
Jen: Well Cartman have you made up your mind?
Cartman: Yes I have sweet’ums and I pick you.
Jen: Yay! Whoopee!!
Joey: Cartman! You pick a one dollar hoe over me?? How could you!
Pacey: Well Joey, maybe if you took off your clothes too......
(turns
to Jen) And you!!
You make me sick!!
Jen: Oh yeah? Well whatcha gonna do about it huh? Come on!
Joey: Bitch! Your ass is mine!
Pacey: Now, now, girls. Save it for
Springer.
(They start catfighting.)
Cartman: Now ladies it’s no use fighting over me, you can both share me.
There’s enough
manliness to go around.
Stan: There’s enough to go around, but I’m sure that its not manliness.
Pacey: Thats a good line. I'll have too use that one.
Dawson: I always knew your jokes were prepubescent. So this is where you get them.
Pacey: Good Dawson. That was almost
funny. You're doing better.
Cartman: Hey shut up asshole! I’ll kick
you in the nuts!
(Cartman and Stan start going at it while Jen and Joey are busy pulling
each other’s hair
out.)
Kenny: Mrrrph mrrphh MRRRMPPHHH!!!
(Kenny tries to break up the fights but nobody seems to respond to his
efforts. Then he
takes off his hood and yells at the top of his lungs.)
Kenny: Stop fighting you dumb-F**KS!!!
Dawson: He speaks!
(They stop. But just as Joey is about to take one last swing at Jen, Jen
ducks her head. The
blow sends poor Kenny flying out the window. Scene changes to show
Dawson and Pacey
sitting under a tree next to each other.)
Dawson: Pacey... there’s been something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Pacey: Yeah bud, what’s up?
Dawson: Pacey I... Pace I love -
Dawson: Oh no!
(All of a sudden something falls out of the sky and lands on Dawson’s
humungus head. The
things head splits in half and drops to the floor. Then out of nowhere
rats come and start
eating away at the dead remains of what looks to be an eight year old
boy.)
Stan: (Pokes his head out of the window.) Oh my GOD!! You’ve killed
Kenny!
Kyle: (Out of nowhere comes running to the scene. He is catching his
breath.) You... bas...
tard! (Then he runs back to where he came from.)
Dawson: (In the gayest voice ever)
Dawson: Thanks for adding that extra jab there!
Oh my god! We’ve got to get the
little tyke to the
hospital!
Stan: Awww just leave him. The rats will take care of him.
Dawson: Oh, ok!
(Stan pokes his head back inside but Joey and the gang are still
watching.)
Pacey: You know Dawson, that was a really cool thing being so concerned
with “rat-boy” over
here.
Dawson: Yeah I’m very caring. More than any woman could be.
Dawson: (gags)
(He sits closer to Pacey)
Pacey: (Feeling weird) Yeah Dawson, I’m sure.
Dawson: You know Pacey, you look so good in that shirt.
(Starts playing with Pacey’s collar)
Pacey: (Feeling really uncomfortable.) Uh... Dawson? What are you doing?
Dawson: Oh nothing Pacey. (Looks deep into Pacey’s eyes, and with a sexy
voice he says...)
Just... playing with... your... collar.
(Dawson leans in and gives Pacey a passionate kiss. Pacey quickly pulls
away.)
Pacey: (Surprised)
Pacey: Surprised? Of course I would be surprised. Wouldn't you be if your supposed heterosexual male best friend kissed you?
Dawson... !
Dawson: I know, I know, Pacey. You don’t go that way, you’re straight
and you don’t want me.
(Sadly) I know...
Pacey: (Looks deep into Dawson’s eyes.) No no no no ... ! Dawson, you’ve
got it all wrong.
Pacey: What!
Dawson: What?
Pacey: I’ve been waiting for you to do that for a long time...
Dawson: Oh Pacey, I love you!
Pacey: I love you.
Dawson: (In the gayest voice ever. More so than the last time!) Take me
Pacey. Take me now
you man of mine!
(Everyone's jaw drops.)
(They tackle each other on the ground and make passionate love under the
tree in broad
daylight. Meanwhile, up in Cartman’s room.)
Joey: (Looking out the window.) See Cartman! Why can’t we end up like
that?
Joey: I don't want to end up like that!
Cartman: What? You want to make sweet love out in broad daylight?
Joey: Well, I wouldn’t mind if it were with you... (Gets on her knees)
Oh please Carty-baby!
Please reconsider me! Take me instead of that blonde haired, New York
slut!
Jen: You should talk!
(Joey glares at Jen but Cartman interupts saying...)
Cartman: Well ladies. I’d like to say that I’ve reconsidered my
decision.
Joey: I knew you couldn’t live without me!
Cartman: I’ve decided on both of you. Yep, you both can share me. God
I’m such a beefcake.
Joey: (Angrily getting off of her knees.) I don’t want to share you!
Joey: I don't want him period!
Cartman: Well thats just too bad now, isn’t it?
Joey: I don’t even want you anymore! (Looks at Stan.) I want Stan now!
He’s more of a man
than you’ll ever be!
Cartman: No wait!
Jen: You heard her. Now I have you all to myself.
Jen: Oh goody.
Cartman: The hell you do! I never really wanted
you. I only liked you
cuz you were a slut and
men like me have needs!
Jen: But Carty-baby...
Cartman: Don’t call me that! Only Joey can call me that! (To Joey.)
Please sweet’ums you
know you can’t resist my manly temptations. So just give in. I’m yours.
Joey: Well I don’t want you anymore! I want Stan. He’s a bigger beefcake
than you’ll ever
be.
Stan: Huh? Wait! I have a girlfriend. Her name is Wendy Tes-
(Right at that moment, Joey gives Stan the kiss if his life.)
Dawson: Kiss if his life?
Joey: Thats kiss of his life.
Stan: Whoa dude! You’re more of a woman than “what’s-her-name” could
ever be! Do with me
what you will.
Cartman: You asswipe, give me back my woman! I’ll kick you in the NUTS!!
Stan: No way asshole! You heard her, she wants me!
(They start fighting.)
Jen: Guys! Stop it!
Joey: Awwww just let them. Guys are a bitch anyway.
Joey: Especially cartoon ones.
Jen: You know? You’re right.
Joey: Yeah...
(A slight pause. Joey then starts looking at Jen standing there, still
naked.)
Jen: Oh, no...........
Joey: Aren’t you cold?
Jen: No I’m ok.
Joey: You know, you look really good. Do you workout?
Joey: Oh no..........
Jen: No but thanks anyway.
(Another slight pause. Jen starts checking Joey out. Joey is wearing her
hair in a messed up
ponytail, a loose-fitting tanktop with the strap broken from the fight,
a pair of shorts and
low top sneakers.)
Jen: You know, you look really good too...
(They look at each other longingly.)
Joey: Thanks...
(They start making out.
Jen and Joey: Oh, no!
Meanwhile, Stan and Cartman stop fighting.)
Stan: You see what you’ve done? Now they’ve turned lesbian because your
fat-ass had to play with their hearts!
Cartman: What’s a lesbian?
Stan: It’s this you fat-ass!
(Stan takes a swing at Cartman, and they start fighting again.)
Stan: Cartman!
(Cartman slowly starts awakening from his deep slumber.)
Cartman: Huh?
Stan: Wake up you fat-ass! The show’s over. It’s time to go home.
Cartman: I just had the weirdest dream! I dreamt that Kenny had died and
that I was on
Dawson’s Creek. Joey and Jen turned lesbian and Dawson and Pacey were
having an orgy
outside my window!
Stan: Thats stupid! How can Kenny die?
Cartman: I don’t know man. Weird!
Stan: Yeah.
Cartman: Well, I’ll be going. Bye guys, I had a lovely time.
(Stan and Kenny walk Cartman to the door.)
Stan: Bye!
Kenny: Mrrrph! (Translation: Bye!)
(They slam the door behind him.)
Stan: Hey Kenny. You wanna sleep over?
Kenny: (Nods.) Mmmmm-hmmm!
Stan: Sweet! Let’s go to my room.
(They start walking towards Stan’s room. As Kenny passes by the TV, one
of the tables
holding it up gives away. The TV falls on Kenny’s head electrocuting
him.)
Stan: Oh my GOD!! You’ve killed Kenny!
(All of a sudden, the phone rings. Stan picks it up. It’s kyle.)
Kyle: You bastard!
THE
END
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Jen: Eww!
Joey: I know!
Dawson: Ha! You guys thought it was so funny when they made me and Pacey fags! Now it's your turn!
Pacey: Dawson! You laughed! I'm so proud!
Pacey looks over at Dawson strangely.
Pacey: You know I never noticed it before but when you laugh, you get these adorable little wrinkles in your forehead....It's really sexy....
Pacey lunges toward Dawson with his lips puckered.
Pacey: Give me a kiss you sexy thing, you!
Dawson: Ahhhhh!!!
Dawson pushes away on to the ground.
Pacey laughs.
Pacey: God Dawson! I was joking! I guess we haven't made as much progress as I thought! Oh, well we'll work on it somemore later.
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