Bird Jokes
The BlueJay • Quick Bird Jokes • The California Condor • The Duck & Books
The Magician • The Skipper • The Penguins • Talent Office • The Carpet Installer
The Burglar • The Sea Captain
The Duck & Grapes
A duck walks into a convenient store and walks up the counter. The duck asks, "Got any grapes?" "No," said the puzzled store clerk. The duck smiles and walks out the door. A little while later the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?" The clerk replies, "No! Like I already told you 15 minutes ago, I don't have any grapes!" The duck smiles and walks out. A little while later the duck returns and again asks "Got any grapes?" The irate clerk yells, "No! We didn't have any, we don't have any, and were not going to have any. If you come back in here again I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck smiles and walks out. Later the duck returns and asks the clerk "Got any nails?" The clerk says "NO!" The duck replies, "Good! Got any grapes?"
A BlueJay applied for the receptionists job at the new AT&T headquarters. The interviewer, a bit non-plussed, told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to type at least 80 words per minute. The Jay demonstrated a 100 wpm talent! Not wanting to hire a BIRD for the job, the interviewer told the Jay that the candidate had to be able to take dictation. The Jay surpassed all other candidates. Finally the interviewer thought he'd be able to get rid of the Jay with "the candidate must be bilingual!" The Jay replied "Meow!!"
A
POEM
Little birdie in the sky,
Why you do that in my eye?
That's okay, I wont cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly
I understand
that a crow has one less pinion feather than a raven.
Therefore how do you tell a crow from a raven? It's a matter of
opinion.
I duck walks
into a drug store and buys a chapstick.
The clerk sez, "Will that be cash or charge?"
The duck sez, "Just put it on my bill!"
Two vultures
were in the desert eating a dead clown.
The first vulture asks the second vulture: "Does this taste
funny to you?"
Why do
hummingbirds hum?
Because they don't know the words.
Why did the gum
cross the road?
It was stuck to the chickens foot.
I took my bird
to the vet because he was sick.
The vet said I have bad news and good news.
The bird has chirpees,the good news is that it is tweetable!
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
To prove to the Opossum that it could be done!
What does a
1,000 lb. canary say?
Here kitty, kitty, kitty!
What did the
bird say as it was flying over K-Mart?
"Cheap - cheap - cheap"
What do you get
when you run over a bird with your lawnmower?
Shredded Tweet!
How do you get
down off an elephant?
You don't! You get down off a duck.
Why did the duck
cross the road?
Waddle you want to know!
Did you ever
notice that when ducks migrate in their Vee formation, one side
of the line is longer than the other?
Know why that is?
There's more ducks in it.
Why did the road
runner cross the road?
Because the coyote was chasing it
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
Because he didn't like the side that he was on!
Do you know the
difference between unlawful and illegal?
Unlawful means something is against the law and illegal is a sick
bird.
How does a
chicken mail a letter?
In a HEN-velope!
What is gray?
A melted penguin.
Why do birds fly
south?
Because it is to far to walk!
What is a bird
after he is five days old?
Six days old!
Why does a stork
stand on one leg?
Because if he took the other leg off the ground he would fall on
the ground!
What does a 5lb
duck say??
quawquaw
What does a 10lb duck say??
QUAWQUAW!!!! QUAWQUAW!!!!
Why did the bird
make it's nest on top of a car?
She knew they'd be moving!
How do you keep
a turkey in suspense?
I'll tell you tomorrow!
What do you call
a big swallow?
A gulp!
What do you call a small swallow?
A sip!
Why does a
chicken coop have only 2 doors?
If it had 4 it would be a sedan...
What did the
woodpecker say when it ran into a bar?
Ouch!
What is black
and white and red all over?
A penguin with sunburn.
Why did the
punk-rocker cross the road?
He had a chicken stapled to his head.
Why did it take
the elephant so long to cross the road?
Because the chicken had trouble carrying him.
What bird is
always sad?
Bluebird
How do you know
if you are a birder?
You might be a birder if you have ever faked your own death to
attract vultures
What is black
and white and red all over?
A chickadee with a sunburn
Why did the bird
cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!!
What do you call
a baseball mixed with a bird?
A fowl ball!
Did you hear about the insomniac agnostic dyslexic who used to lie awake at night wondering if there was a DOG? (Editor - This has nothing to do with birds, but it's still a classic.)
It's better to have a bird in the bush than in your hand
Why did the
chicken cross the road, roll in the mud, and cross back?
He was a dirty double-crosser!
How do you catch
a unique bird?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame bird.
Tame way -- unique up on it.
What happens to
a duck when he flies upside down?
He quacks up
What is yellow
and then is red?
A little chicken in the blender.
What is black
and white and red all over?
A penguin in the blender.
A hen ate a piece of glass, then the baby chicken was born with glasses
A hen ate an eraser, then the baby chicken was born with sneekers!
It is easy to determine if someone is committed to a cause or just involved. Consider the case of the bacon and egg breakfast. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed!
What does duck
eat with his soup?
Quackers
Why did the
chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.
What is a fowl's
favorite word?
Foul Ball!
A pigeon was pacing up and down anxiously in Central Park when he saw his friend hop up on the curb. "Where have you been, I've been waiting here for hours?" The new arrival looked around him and said, "It was such a nice day, I said to myself -- what the heck, I'll walk!"
Judge: young
man, it says here you shot and killed a Califorina Condor. How do
you plead?
Defendant: Guilty your honor.
Judge: GUILTY!? Don't you know how endangered these condors are?
There are hardly any left at all.
Defendant: Yes sir, I know, but I had to feed my family, we're so
poor.
Judge: That's no excuse. I fine you 30 days in jail. By the way,
what does California Condor taste like?
Defendant: It's real good, kinda like a cross between Bald Eagle
and Whooping Crane!
One fine day a chicken walked into a library and said BUCK (book), so the librarian gave the chicken a book. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK, so the librarian gave him two books. The next day the same chicken came back to the library and said BUCK BUCK BUCK, so again the librarian gave him three books, but this time the librarian decided to follow him to see what a chicken wanted with three books. As he saw the chicken come to a stop at the edge of a pond, he saw the chicken pass all the books to a frog who while he was looking at them was saying, REDDIT,REDDIT, REDDIT
A magician performing on cruise ship and each night while performing his pet parrot keeps saying "its up his sleeve" " its in his pocket". "its in his shoe". "in his pants" etc and the magician was loosing his patience. one night while performing his tricks the ships boilers blew and the ship sank, the lucky magician was able to grab onto a ships table and float on the sea for a few days. the parrot in the mean time seemed no plussed and was looking quizically at the magician for a few days whilst drifting . and on the 4th day the parrots looks at his master and says "I give up... what did you do with the ship?"
Two old men went out on a fishing trip with a wize old skipper. Shortly after leaving the dock two laughing gulls flew over their craft and one decided to let its' intestinal contents free. The excrement landed on the bald head of one of the fishermen. The other old man exclaimed "Don't get upset. Stay right here and I'll go fetch some toilet paper". The skipper replied, "No need for that. By the time you return the birds will have flown away".
This guy in a station wagon is riding down the road with the back full of penguins. A cop sees him and pulls him over and says,"I want you to take those penguins to the zoo right now!" The guy says, "O.K." Next day the cop sees this same guy going down the road with the penguins in the back. This time the penguins are wearing sunglasses. He pulls the guy over again and says,"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo." The guy answers, "Yeah, that's right, we went and had a helluva time. We're going to the beach today!"
A man walked into the office of a talent agent on the 72nd floor of a skyscraper. "I've got a great act," he tells the agent. "Just watch this." The man opens the window, perches on the ledge and starts flapping his arms. Then he pushes off and flys around outside the window executing intricate aerobatic maneuvers. Having finished his demonstration, the man flaps in to a perfect landing on the window sill and steps back into the agent's office. "What do you think of that?" he asked the agent. The talent agent yawned. That's it? Bird imitations?"
A carpet installer was just finishing a big job and decided to stop for a smoke. He searched his pockets and not finding his usual pack of cigarettes began to look around. A lump under the carpet caught his attention. Not wanting to remove and reinstall a large carpet, he took a mallet and carefully pounded down the lump, smoothing it out with his hands until it was perfectly flat. Satisfied that the job was well done, he gathered up his tooks only to find his cigarettes in the lid of his tool box. He was examining them quizically when the woman of house walks in and says, "The carpets look great. By the way, have you seen my canary?"
A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came "JESUS IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Bonzo" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same guy who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
An old sea captain with a wooden leg, a hook for a hand and a black patrch over one eye is telling a kid how he got his injuries: "It was a big sea battle, lad. A cannonball flew across the deck and took off me leg. Later a doctor friend fixed me up with this wooden one." "How did you lose your hand?" asks the kid. "The same battle, lad. The pirates, they boarded me ship and their captain, he whacked off me hand with his cutlass. Later, the doctor friend gave me this hook." The kid says. "I guess you lost your eye in the same battle." "No". says the captain. "I was looking up one day, and a seagull (crapped) right in me eye." "Gee" says the kid "You mean the seagull (crap) blinded you?." "No" the captain replies,"First day with me new hook."
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