Blonde Jokes
The Stewardess • The Right
Side • She was so Blonde...
Just A Little Off the Top...
• The Dog
Wash • The Thermos • 17 Days • Buying a TV
The 11 O'clock News
A Collection of Quick Blonde Jokes
An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.
The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.
"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing.
She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second blonde got real excited and called her all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she tripped over a cordless phone
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
she got stabbed in a shoot-out
she told someone to met her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON`T WALK"
they had to burn the school down to get her out of the third grade
she took a ruler to bed to see hoe long she slept
at the bottom of the application when it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius"
if she spoke her mind, she`d probably be speechless
when she heard that 90% of crimes occur around the house, she moved
Well then, there were these two blondes who went fishing. They were out in the middle of the lake and catching fish like crazy. Pretty soon the boat was full of fish. One of the blondes said, "Wow! We need to mark this spot so we can come back here some other time!"
The other blonde dug into her purse and pulled out a big red crayon and marked a big "X" on the side of the boat. The first blonde shouted, "You dummy! That won't work! What if next time we don't get the same boat?"
Just a little off the top, please...
A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde.
In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out............"
A blonde, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the blonde if she hada lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the blonde said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the blonde was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the blonde was back in the store to buy something else . The grocer asked the blonde how her dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the blonde said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the blonde replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the rinse cycle!"
A blonde goes into a store and sees a shiny object on the shelf.
She asks the clerk, "What is that shiny object?"
The clerk replies, "That is a thermos."
The blonde then asks, "What does it do?"
The clerk responds, "It keeps hot things hot and it keeps cold things cold."
The blonde says, "Oh! I could use something like that!! I'll take it!"
The next day, as she walks into work with her new thermos she spots her boss and shows off her shiny new thermos, "I just got this yesterday, isn't it wonderful! It's a thermos and it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold!"
The boss asks, "And what do you have in it?"
The blonde replies, "Some coffee and a popsicle."
Two young blonde
women are sitting at a bar in such an obviously celebratory mood
that the bartender drifts over intending to offer them a drink on
the house.
When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to
17 days!"
Smiling, the bartender says, "Congratulations! What's so
special about 17 days?"
Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been
spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5
years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"
A blonde went to
the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told
the salesman
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new
color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before
she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this
TV."
Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed. "How do you know I'm a
blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave oven," he replied.
A blonde and a
brunette were watching the 11:00 news. The current news story was
about a man up on a ledge and threatening to jump. The station
cuts to a commercial.
Brunette: I bet you $20 he's going to jump.
Blonde: OK. \par (back to newscast) \par He jumps.
Blonde: OK Here's my $20.
Brunette: No, that was too easy. I can't take it.
Blonde: I insist. I lost.
Brunette: I have a confession to make. I saw the same thing on
the 6:00 news and knew he jumped. So it wasn't really a good bet.
Blonde: I know. I saw the same newscast. But I didn't think he
would be stupid enough to jump twice.
Q: What did the
blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look!
Donut seeds!"
Q: What do you
call an intelligent blonde?
A: A golden retriever
Q: How do you
drowned a blonde?
A1: Tell her there's a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of
the pool
A2: Tell her there's a mirror at the bottom of the tub
Q: What do you
call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted
Q: What is it
called when a blonde dies her hair brown?
A: Artificial intelligence
Q: What do you
call 100 blondes sitting in a circle?
A: A dope ring
Q: What do you
call 100 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted flakes
Q: What do you
have when you stand 100 blondes next to each other, shoulder to
shoulder?
A: A wind tunnel
Q: How does a
blonde clean her house?
A: She hires a maid
Q: How do you
measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a
blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going
to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the
middle row.
Q: What do you
call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do
Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: Why should
you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.
Q: How do you
make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the
blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the
blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the
blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: How does a
blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you
plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you
get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How do you
describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What is every
blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What do UFO's
and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
Q: How do you
confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
Q: Why do
blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
Q: How do you
know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: What job
function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know
why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out all the W's.
Q: Why don't
blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Q: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
Q: How do you
keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: What's brown
and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
Q: Why can't
blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Did you hear
about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a
concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie
cord
Q: Why did the
blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Q: How many
blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't
the blonde write the number 11 ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
Q: What do you
call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How did the
blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the
blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the
blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How can you
tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you
tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you
tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: Why is it
good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why does a
blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20
pounds."
Q: Why do men
like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
Q: What do you
get when you find a blonde skeleton in a closet?
A: Last year's Hide and Go Seek champion!
Q: A blonde and a brunette were walking through a park. The brunette said, "Oh look at the poor dead bird." A: The blonde looked up and said, "Where??"
One blonde was so daft that it took her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Q: What did the
blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a
blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black
and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond
electrician
Q: Why are dumb
blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes
can remember them.
A2: Because blonds
are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why are
blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people
keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why can't
blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep
breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a
cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear
about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a
trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it
legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a
tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a
blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the
blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got
an F in sex.
Q: Did you here
about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why are there
no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
Q: What is it
called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Whats the
difference between a Blonde and a Supermarket Trolley.
A: A supermarket
trolley has a mind of its own.
Q: What goes
VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going
through a flashing red light.
Q: If an blonde
and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette --
because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
Q: What did the
blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I
just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Did you hear
about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their
car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see
"Closed for the Winter".
Q: A blonde is
walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a
person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says,
"I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde
ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or
twelve pieces.
A: "Six,
please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What did the
blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the
home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five
miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it
okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have
to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q. Why did the
blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the
toilet duck.
I told my blonde
girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
She told me she
didn't know how to cook them.
A husband and
wife (a blonde) went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on
the ferris wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that.
So the wife went on the ride by herself.
The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown
out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times
around and you didn't wave once!"
A dumb Blonde
died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she
met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
Heaven, you have to pass a test."
"Oh, No!"
she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
"Who was God's
son?" said Saint Peter.
The dumb Blonde
thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
"That's
interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
Then She started to
sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells
me..."
A blonde's
response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
"I don't have
to think -- I'm blonde!"
Two blonde duck hunters out on the marsh duck hunting. One says to the other, "we're not having much luck to-day getting any ducks." The other one says, " maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough."
A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they just don't remember who with.
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it, and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the slogan "Billions Served - just today"
A painting
contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room
she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor
wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room
she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and
yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was
somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote
this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN
SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked
him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm
sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes
laying sod across the street.
Did you hear
about the blonde who:
was called
"Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the
bean?
took an hour to
cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi,
and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. -
Mentally Deficient?
after watching the
ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
brought her
cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
Two blondes
observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their
Mercedes with a coat hanger:
Blonde#1: I can't
seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well,
you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and
the top is down!
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
A blonde was
driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that
said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an
drove home.
On her way home the
same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN
RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman
pulled a blonde over after she'd been driving the wrong way on a
one-way street.
Cop: Do you know
where you were going?
Blonde: No, but
wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were
leaving.
Three blondes
are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to
call 911:
Blonde: We need
help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm.
You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power
in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the
switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the
bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's
working fine.
Operator: Then
what's the problem?
Blonde: We got
dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt
ourselves.
What about the
blonde guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know
who the other man was...
Two blondes were driving through Louisiana when they came to a sign that told them they were almost to Natchitoches. They argued all the way there about how to pronounce the name of the town. Finally they stopped for lunch. After getting their food, one of the blondes said to the cashier, "Can you settle an argument for us? Very slowly, tell us where we are." The cashier leaned over the counter and said "Buuurrrrrr-Gerrrrrr Kiiiinnnnnggg".
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
Two blondes were
walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh,
look at the deer tracks."The other blonde looks and says
"Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks."
"No. Those are
deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguig, and one half
hour later they were both killed by a train.
Confucious say; blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
A blonde came to
work with two burnt ears.
Co-worker: How'd
you burn your ears?
Blonde: Well, I was
ironing my clothes when the phone rang. Since the iron is right
next to the phone, I picked it up instead and burned my left ear.
Co-worker: What
about your right ear?
Blonde: Well, the
guy called back!
A brunette was
walking down the middle of a highway while saying, "87, 87,
87." A blond came up to her and asked, "Can I try
that?" The brunette said, "Sure." The brunette
went to the side of the road and watched the blond walk down the
middle of the highway while saying, "87, 87, 87." A
semi came along the highway and was completely out of control.
You could tell that the driver had to be drunk. It ran the blond
over and killed her. The brunette started to walk down the middle
of the highway again while saying, "88, 88, 88."
A blonde called
the fire department. She screams into the phone.
"Hurry, Come Quick! My house is on fire."
The fire chief replied, "OK, but how do we get to your
house?"
The blond said, "Duh, Red Truck!"
In Las Vegas, a
blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a
coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more
coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly, and of
course the machine keeps popping out the soda cans.
Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics
for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else
could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face: "Can't you
see I'm winning??"
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