Rules for Cats Who Have A House To Run

• DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
• CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human's bare foot.
• BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything -- just sit and stare.
• HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping", otherwise known as "hampering". Following are the rules for "hampering":
  a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
  b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
  c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
  d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim -- to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
  e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
• WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
• BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
• GUESTS: Check human house guests carefully to detect who might have an allergy, the more allergic the house guest, the closer you should stay. This will shorten the stay of the allergic human house guest and your owner can spend time with you as they should have been doing in the first place. If the human house guest has brought a guest-pet, be as rude as possible, hissing at an audible volume. This will let the guest-pet know s/he has been noticed and is unappreciated.
• SINGING: Always schedule your performances between 2 and 3 AM so as to have the full attention of everyone in the household.
• GUILT. Cats have no guilt. Owners have guilt. Jewish owners have cornered the market on guilt but they sometimes will share. Guilt in owners equals treats for kitty. Guilt can be invoked in many ways such as giving your owner a pathetic look when s/he returns from work related travel or after your owner has shouted at you for having practiced an exercise in hampering.
• FUR. Carefully examine and take note of the color of your coat. Your goal is to find contrast between your fur and a human's wardrobe. Black is especially good as all cat hair goes well with black. If your human is wearing tweed, don't bother. If you have dark fur, frolic on the light carpet and furniture, and vice versa. This rule also applies to hairballs, always deposit a hairball where it will leave a lasting impression. Never leave a hairball on a surface such as tile where it can be easily cleaned away.

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