Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect
- NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the
front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the
driveway every morning for that purpose.
- VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on
this person. If the human falls down on the floor and
starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show
your concern.
- BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So
bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you
protecting their house. Especially late at night while
they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more
secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the
middle of the night and hearing your protective bark,
bark, bark ...
- LICKING:
Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues.
Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
- HOLES:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard
and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all
over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a
little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe
they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough holes
in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help
correct this problem.
- DOORS: The
area directly in front of a door is always reserved for
the family dog to sleep.
- THE ART OF
SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is
your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
- DINING
ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner,
especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any
food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to
practice your sniffing.
- HOUSEBREAKING:
Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.
- GOING FOR
WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
human, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
- COUCHES: It
is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after
all your humans have gone to bed.
- PLAYING: If
you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure
yourself.
- CHASING
CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never --- quite
--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
- CHEWING:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a
shoe.
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