Jack Nicklaus vs. Jewish Rabbi
Young & Old
The Gorilla
Skydiver's vs. Golfer's
The Golf Bag
Jack Nicklaus vs. Jewish Rabbi
Young
& Old
The
Gorilla
Skydiver's vs. Golfer's
The
Golf Bag
Moses, Jesus and an old man went golfing one day.
On the ninth hole, the green was located at the top of a hill surrounded by a lake on three sides. Moses hit an awesome drive that bounced off the front of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Moses walked to the top of the hill and raised his arms. The waters parted, he walked through on dry land and chipped his ball back onto the green.
Then Jesus, too, hit an unbelievable drive. It bounced off the back of the green and into the middle of the lake. No problem. Jesus walked across the water, raised his hands, the ball came to the surface, and Jesus chipped his ball back onto the green.
Finally, the old man took his shot. His ball bounced off the green and headed for the middle of the lake. But just before it hit the water, a huge fish leaped high into the air and grabbed his ball in its mouth. Then, just before the fish landed back in the water, a giant eagle swooped out of the sky, siezed the fish in its talons and flew away. As the eagle was flying over the green, a brilliant bolt of lightning streaked down and zapped the eagle. The eagle dropped the fish onto the green, where the ball popped out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.
Jesus looked at the old man and said: "If you're gonna show off, Dad, we're not gonna bring you along anymore!"
Jack Nicklaus vs. Jewish Rabbi
The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought it was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Have we not," he asked, "a cardinal who can represent me against the leader of Israel?" "None that plays golf very well," a cardinal said.
"But, he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a cardinal; then ask him to play Benjamin Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result.
"I have some good news and some bad news, Your Holiness," said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful and my putting was perfect.
With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous."
"There's bad news?" the Pope asked.
Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Woods by three strokes."
Q: What's the
difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?
A: The golfer goes
Whack....."Oh darn" ; the skydiver goes, "Oh,
darn"...Whack.
A retiree was
given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try
the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he
knew nothing whatever of the game.
The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just
hit the ball toward the flag on the first green."
The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway
and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.
"Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro.
"Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup."
the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.
"Oh great! NOW you tell me." said the beginner in a
disgusted tone.
There's one about the guy who taught a Gorilla to play golf and he could hit a ball 500 Yds. The first hole is 501 yds, the Gorilla hits off the tee and sure eneough it goes 500Yds and stops 1 yd from the hole. They go to the green, give the gorilla a putter and he hits the ball, another 500 yds.
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree." With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay. The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
About four or five years ago I was standing in a ticket line at LAX, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder.
Since the line was long and airline ticketing is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation. He brightened when I admired his golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA Tour.
Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: "Do you play?"
I shook my head, "I used to, but I quit because I wasn't very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies."
There was a long, low in-take of breath, then "The lower seventies?"
"Yes," I admitted. "Consistently?" he queried admiringly. "Every hole," I confessed.
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