Golf Jokes 2
Golf Buddies
More Golf Buddies
Golf Couple
Golf With Dignity
Golf Laws
Golf Rules
The Golfing Preacher
The Golf Ball
Two friends went
out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow
noticed that his partner had but one golf ball.
"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he
asked.
The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one.
"Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What
happens if you lose that ball?"
The other guy replied, "This is a very special golf ball. I
won't lose it so I don't need another one."
Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your
shot and the ball goes in the lake?"
"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball
floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."
"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets
lost among the bushes and shrubs?"
The other guy replied, "That's okay too. You see, this
special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it
back -- no problem."
Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes
late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap.
What are you going to do then?"
"No problem," says the other guy, "you see, this
ball is fluourescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."
Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the
friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that
anyway?"
The other guy replies, "I found it."
Two friends were
playing golf and one commented he was going to Dr. Brown to get
some dentures made.
"I did that two years ago, " his buddy said.
"How do you like your new teeth? Did Dr. Brown do a good job
for you?"
"Let me tell you how much I like them. I was golfing the
other day, a golfer hooked his tee shot on the adjacent hole, his
ball took off and was going 600 miles an hour when it hit me
right in the groin! That's the first time in two years my teeth
didn't hurt me."
A priest, a
doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for
15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with
him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of
us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost
their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them
play here anytime free of charge! (silence)
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
"You think so much of your game that you don't even remember when we got married," complained the wife. "Of course I do honey," the husband said. "It was the day after I sank that 40-foot putt."
An older gentleman is on a golf green about to putt out, and a foursome is behind him, waiting for him to finish.
Suddenly, on the road alongside the golf course, a shiny black hearse pulls into view, followed by an entourage of some fifty vehicles.
Immediately, the man takes off his hat, places it over his heart, and stands at a respectful silence until all fifty cars have slowly passed. He then puts on his hat, taps his ball into the hole, and walks to the next tee.
The members of the foursome are impressed, and, when they catch up to him, say that it has been some time since they have witnessed such a display of respect and dignity.
To which the older gentleman replies: "It's the least I could do ... on Monday we would have been married fifty years!"
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls. LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.
THE RULES OF GOLF -- for good players whose scores would reflect their true ability if only they got an even break once in a while.
1. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled in the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball, and the player should not be penalized for erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical phenomena.
2. A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed to not have hit the tree. Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, preferably from atop a nice, firm tuft of grass.
3. There shall be no such thing as a lost ball. The missing ball is on or near the course somewhere and eventually will be found and pocketed by someone else. It thus becomes a stolen ball and the player should not compound the felony by charging himself with a penalty stroke.
4. In or near a bunker or sand trap, a ball rolling back toward the player may be hit again on the roll without counting any extra strokes. In any case, no more than two strokes are to be counted in playing from a bunker, since it is reasonable to assume that if the player had time to concentrate on his shot, instead of hurrying it so as not to delay his playing partners, he would be out in two.
5. If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it shall be deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
6. Same thing applies for a ball that stops at the brink of the hole and hangs there, defying gravity. You cannot defy the law.
7. Same thing for a ball that rims the cup. A ball should not go sideways. This violates the laws of physics.
8. A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as "You could blow it in!", may be actually blown in. This rule does not apply if the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants to make a travesty of the game.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession.
One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the Sunday service.
Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.
An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.
The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in basketball, "nothing but net").
A picture perfect hole-in-one.
He was amazed and excited.
The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."
God smiled. "I did. Think about it -- who can he tell?"
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