A collection of Lawyer Jokes
(My brother is a
lawyer so I figure that I should be ok)
Real Questions Asked By Lawyers
Duck
Hunting
Lawyers
Flying
Marriage & Heaven
Lawyer & Witness
Quick Lawyer Jokes
What do you call
a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor
What do you call
a lawyer whose gone bad?
Senator.
What's the
difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your
shoes to jump on a trampoline!
What do you call
5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell
when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are
moving.
What's the
difference between a dead dog and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid
marks in front of the dog.
How many lawyers
does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin
you slice them.
Why won't sharks
attack lawyers?
Professional
courtesy.
What do have
when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
When lawyers
die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep,
they are all nice guys!!!!
How do you get a
lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
How do you stop
a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he
hits the water.
What is the
definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of
lawyers goes off a cliff.
What is the
definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty
seat.
How many lawyers
does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
Have you heard
about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font
you select, everything come out in fine print.
What's the
difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche?
With a porcupine,
the pricks are on the outside!
What do you buy
a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
What's the
difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a
bottomcrawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
Hear about the
terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to
release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Why is it that
many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked
ambulances.
Where can you
find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery
What's the
difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges
more.
What's the
difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only
sucks blood at night.
What is brown
and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
How many law
professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Heck, you need 250
just to lobby for the research grant.
Why did the post
office recall the new lawyer stamps?
Because people
could not tell which side to spit on.
Did you hear
about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called,
Sosumi.
Did you hear
about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they
couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an
enema and buried him in a shoebox.
Santa Claus, the
tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down
the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of
course, the other three are mythological creatures.
What is the
ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds,
including the urn.
Real Questions Asked By Lawyers
Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:
“Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?”
“Were you alone or by yourself?”
“Were you present when your picture was taken?”
“Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?”
“Did he kill you?”
“How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
“You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
“How many times have you committed suicide?”
Q. “So the
date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?”
A. “Yes.”
Q. “And what
were you doing at that time?”
Q. “She had
three children, right?”
A. “Yes.”
Q. “How many
were boys?”
A.
“None.”
Q. “Were there
any girls?”
Q. “You say
the stairs went down to the basement?”
A. “Yes.”
Q. “And these
stairs, did they go up also?”
Q. “Mr.
Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t
you?”
A. “I went to
Europe, Sir.”
Q. “And you
took your new wife?”
Q. “How was
your first marriage terminated?”
A. “By
death.”
Q. “And by
whose death was it terminated?”
Q. “Can you
describe the individual?”
A. “He was
about medium height and had a beard.”
Q. “Was this a
male, or a female?”
Q. “Is your
appearance here this morning due to a deposition notice which I
sent to your attorney?”
A. “No, this
is how I dress when I go to work.”
Q. “Doctor,
how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
A. “All my
autopsies are performed on dead people.”
Q. “All
your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go
to?”
A.
“Oral.”
Q. “Do you
recall the time that you examined the body?”
A.“The autopsy
started around 8:30 p.m.”
Q. “And Mr.
Dennington was dead at the time?”
A. “No, he was
sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.”
Q. “Are you
qualified to give a urine sample?”
A. “I have
been since early childhood.”
Q. “Doctor,
before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?”
A. “No.”
Q. “Did you
check for blood pressure?”
A. “No.”
Q. “Did you
check for breathing?”
A. “No.”
Q. “So, then
it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?”
A. “No.”
Q. “How can
you be so sure, Doctor?”
A. “Because
his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Q. “But could
the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
A. “It is
possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.”
A world famous lawyer was duck hunting in Montana. Recently, he attempted to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer pulled up in his pickup truck, jumped out and asked the lawyer what he was doing on his property. "Getting a duck that I just shot," he replied.
"That duck is on my side of the fence, so it is now mine, " replied the farmer." The lawyer asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to. "No," replied the farmer, "and I don't care."
"I am (insert name here) a famous lawyer from (insert city here)," came the reply. I am the lawyer that never loses a case and I'm rich. If you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your farm, your truck and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless on the street."
"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana, the law we go by ... is the #3 kick law." "Never heard of it," said the lawyer. The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times and if you make it back to your feet, and are able to kick me back 3 times, the duck is yours."
The lawyer thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough", he said. So the farmer kicked the lawyer violently in the groin. As he was doubled over, the farmer kicked him in the face. And when he hit the ground, he kicked him hard in the ribs.
After several moments, the lawyer slowly got back to his feet. "All right, now it's my turn," said the lawyer. "Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
Two Lawyers were
flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight,
the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the
flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three
engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine
has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't
worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the captain announced "One more engine has
failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry
we have one engine left".
The Lawyer looked at the other Lawyer and said "If we lose
one more engine, we'll be up here all day".
A couple wanted their marriage to be something unique, so they decided to wait until they died to get married in Heaven. After they died, they were reunited in Heaven. They went to Saint Peter and begged him to get them married in Heaven. After assuring them they really didn't want to get married in Heaven, he told them if after five years they still wanted to get married, they could talk about it again.
After five years the couple came to Saint Peter and again begged him to get them married in Heaven. Again he assured them it would be a mistake to get married in Heaven made the promise that if they waited five more years he would get them married.
Five years went by and the couple looked Saint Peter up. Now they really, really wanted to get married. Saint Peter went ahead and had the couple married.
After only one month the couple found Saint Peter and told him they had made a very bad mistake. This marriage was the worst possible thing that could have happened to them in Heaven. They wanted a divorce.
Saint Peter said, "Now let me get this straight. It took me a full ten years to find a preacher in Heaven, and now you want me to find a lawyer?"
A witness to an
automobile accident was testifying.
The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the
accident?"
The witness: "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?"
The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter
inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir,
will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that
distance?"
The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out
a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me
that question."
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