The World's Best Scottish Jokes

• A Scotsman visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didn't feel that the natives were very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, one the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
• There are many theories about the bagpipes, otherwise known as the missing link between music and noise. Some say they were invented by a Scotsman who trod on his cat and liked the noise. Others claim that they are based on the noise made by a dying octopus. The truth is, however, that they were given to the Scots by the Irish as a joke -but the Scots haven't seen the joke yet!
• Jamie burst into the house and proudly announced to his father, "I ran home behind the bus and saved ten pence." To which his father replied, "You could have done better son. You could have run home behind a taxi and saved five pounds."
• Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions."
• Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely."
• An English silver expert travelling in Scotland was asked if he would like to look at the trophies won by the Scottish national soccer team. He replied that he wasn't interested in antiques.
• An American was hopelessly lost in the Highlands and wandered about for nearly a week. Finally, on the seventh day he met a kilted inhabitant. "Thank heaven I've met someone," he cried. "I've been lost for the last week." "Is there a reward out for you?" asked the Scotsman. "No," said the American. "Then I'm afraid you're still lost," was the reply.
• Sign at a Scottish golf course: "Members will refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling."
• Why are so many Scottish churches circular? So nobody can hide in the corners during the collection.
• Letter to the editor: "Sir, if you print any more jokes about Scotsmen I shall cease borrowing your newspaper.
• Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates."
• A Scotsman won a toilet brush as the booby prize in a raffle. He had never won anything before, though, so he was delighted. A few weeks later a friend asked if he was getting much use from the toilet brush. "Well," came the reply, "I don't think much of it. I think I'll go back to using toilet paper."
• A Scotsman was playing golf with a church elder. On the last hole the Scotsman missed a six-inch putt which cost him the match but, out of deference to his playing partner's status, he said absolutely nothing. "That," said the elder, "was the most profane silence I have ever heard."
• Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last.
• "I hear McDougal left over a hundred thousand pounds when he died," remarked McNab. "McDougal didn't leave that money," said McTavish, "he was taken from it."
• "Why, McTavish," said the psychiatrist, "you seem to have lost your stutter." "Yes," said McTavish, "I've been telephoning America a lot recently."
• McNab has decided to have one of those cut-price, self-service funerals where they loosen the earth and you sink in by yourself.
• McTavish, the Scottish angler died and was met at the Golden Gates by Saint Peter. "You've told too many lies to come in here," said Saint Peter. "Have a heart," replied McTavish, "you were a fisherman yourself once."
• Teacher to a Scottish schoolboy, "If you had a pound in your right-hand trouser pocket, and three pounds in your left-hand trouser pocket, what would you have?" "Somebody else's trousers miss."
• McDougal was on his way by train from Aberdeen to Glasgow to undergo a serious heart operation. He bought a single ticket.
• "Grandpa, have you got any teeth?" the Scots boy enquired of his grandfather. "No," the grandfather replied. "Well in that case, hold my bag of sweets while I go out and play."
• McDougal donates a lot of money to charity but likes to remain anonymous. He even forgets to sign his name on the cheques.
• A meeting was held in a Scottish town to protest about the fact that bus fares had been reduced. Citizens were outraged because previously they had saved twenty pence by not using the buses whereas now they were only saving fifteen pence.
• A Scottish soccer fan told his friend, "My dog watches all the games. When my team wins it jumps up and down and claps its paws. When we lose it somersaults." "How many somersaults?" asked his impressed friend. The soccer fan replied, "It depends how often I kick it."
• A Scotsman went on a week's holiday to London taking with him a shirt and a five pound note. When he returned home he hadn't changed either of them!
• McTavish suffered a brainstorm and bought two tickets in a raffle. He won one thousand pounds. "How do you feel about your big win?" McNab asked him. "Disappointed," said McTavish, "The other ticket didn't win a thing."
• Recent historical research has revealed why Scotsmen wear kilts. In 1317 Sandy McNab won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle.
• The Scots have found an infallible cure for sea sickness: Lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in your mouth.
• "Where do you come from?" the Scotsman asked an American. "From the greatest country in the world," replied the American. "Funny," said the Scotsman, "you've got the strangest Scottish accent I've ever heard."
• There was a Scottish baker who tried to economise by making a bigger hole in his doughnuts. He discovered, though, that the bigger the hole, the more dough it took to go round it.
• And then there was the Scotsman who married a girl born on February 29 so he'd only have to buy her a birthday present every four years.
• A Scotsman took a girl for a taxi ride. She was so beautiful he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
• The Scottish minister was preaching on the parable of the Good Samaritan. He felt he had better explain to his congregation why the priest had passed the victim by. "And why do you think the priest passed him by?" he asked the congregation rhetorically. "Because he saw that the man had already been robbed," came a voice from the back row.
• In Scotland they had to take pay-as-you-leave buses off the streets -they found two men had starved to death in one of them.
• Two robbers broke into a boarding house in Glasgow in search of money. A fierce struggle ensued. "We didn't do too badly," said one of them afterwards. "We came out with twenty pounds." "But we had fifty when we went in," complained the other.
• Report from a Glasgow newspaper: "Two taxis collided in Maryhill last night. Three people were seriously injured. The other seventeen escaped with minor injuries."

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