The
Calf & The Four Year Old
The Man Who Wrote
The Hokey Pokey
The
Horse For Sale
The
Parrot
The
Two Horses
Bungee
School
Theatre
Thot
The
Dangerous Dog
Why Did You Have To Die?
The Calf and The Four Year Old
A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, "Great...he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"
"Just one." gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"
Sad news,
There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man
who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died.
What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in..... and, well, you know the rest.
Jon bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested Jon notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.
An old farmer is outside for a walk around his land when he sees a sign on his neighbour's lawn; "Horse for Sale". Curious, he decides to have a look-see. As he approaches his neighbour's stable, he sees his old Italian friend brushing down a fine-looking stallion.
"Hello friend, I saw your sign out there and came over to see your horse for sale." Now, the Italian farmer speaks very poor English, but manages to answer well enough. "Yep, yep, disa is da horse for-a sale."
"This horse here?" quizzes the old farmer, "Why he's a fine horse! Why-ever would you sell him?"
"Well," sighs the Italian farmer, "He no looka so good anymore."
The old farmer, convinced that his neighbour has lost his mind, makes the sale and leads the horse across his field over to the stable. As he taps the horse gently on the back to coax him into the stable, he watches as the horse misses the door completely and smacks head first into the wall. "That ol' cheat sold me a near blind horse!" growls the old farmer.
He then proceeds to storm over across the field, reigns in hand, to give his neighbour a piece of his mind. "You sold me a near blind horse you ol' cheat and you didn't even tell me!" he screams.
"Eh! I tolla you!" cries the Italian farmer, "I say, 'he no looka so good anymore!' "
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.
"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico." The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble.
Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, the second guy isn't able to catch him, he falls again, bouncesand comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding.
Again, the second guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back up. This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy
finally catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?" The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what the heck is a pinata?
Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Bob tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly there was quiet. Bob was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior." Bob was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a drastic change when the parrot said: "Sir, may I ask what the chicken did?"
The local bar patrons were so sure that their bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000.00 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, then hand the lemon to the bet taker. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon, would win the money.
Many people had tried over time, (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick eyeglasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the scrawny little man clenched his fist around the lemon and six more drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The little man replied, "No, I just work for the IRS."
Billy's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the acting roles for the school play were being posted that day, he asked Billy if he got a part.
Billy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?
Upon
entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign
saying DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! posted on the glass door. Inside he
noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the
cash register.
He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are
supposed to beware of?"
"Yep, that's him," he replied.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly
doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world
would you post that sign?"
"Because", the owner replied, "before I posted
that sign, people kept tripping over him."
A man placed
some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and
started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to
another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept
repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have
to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to
die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to
interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain
is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn
so deeply?
A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied...
"My wife's first husband."
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