Writing this looking back on last sunday it seems like ages ago. Last sunday I was really bad, i didn't want to get out of bed, in fact i slept the majority of the day. I was debating whether or not i wanted to go on like this. Did i want to live and have everything feel empty and me feel like i had no hopes, no dreams, no aspirations and no future? I was tired of life and really just wanted to die in my sleep because i didn't have the energy to kill myself. It came down to I die or I make an honest attempt at getting help. I still just wanted to sleep thats all, just sleep. Sleep was and probably will always be my main refuge when i'm depressed.

Monday is really a blur for the most part. I did what i do every Monday, got up for my 8am class came back to the dorm after it, then went to my 10 & 11 o'clock classes, stopped by the mailroom on my way to lunch, ate lunch, came back to the dorm watched my soap, then killed another hour and went to my 2o'clock chemistry lab. That lab wasn't fun lemme tell you. First of all the experiment didnt work properly the first week around and the prof had ruined one of the attempts at correcting what was wrong with the experiment itself and i'd just left. So i had to essentially do the whole experiment again. Came back to the dorm and watched General Hospital.. chatted on the computer for alittle while.. took a few naps.. skipped what has become customary to skip my composition class.. i give no excuses for not going i just give this reason. My depression had gotten so bad that i couldn't write, i'd sit down to the computer fully intending to do it and there was nothing, some call it a block i call it i had no motivation to do it and just plain couldn't do it. So i became what is 8 essays behind and i decided that since i'm beyond redemption in that class i'm not going to go, im not going to give excuses or reasons, i'll just take a failing grade. Then went to bed.. couldn't sleep just lay there and thought for a good 2/3hrs before i got up.. I was thinking that i didnt know what it was like to be happy and i couldn't remember and if i couldn't die i had to do something about it. There were people who cared i knew that but i still didnt want to do anything at all not live not die, just sleep. Anyways upon coming to the conclusion that these past 2years i'd not gone to any sort of therapy all that had happened was my depression gradually worsened each time it came back. I called my psychologist from home that i'd had and liked at 4am and left a message with her anwsering service to call me back.

My psychologist woke me up by returning my call at 9am, i think i worried her... i dunno... anyways she told me that i needed to go see a body, a person, and to call the counseling center here at school. I didn't want to and she was going to call me back later that day after my psychology class. Well i didn't go to psychology i went back to sleep until like 5pm. Sleep was still my refuge. I chatted on the computer when i woke up for a little while. My psychologist called back around 8ish and made me contract for safety and all that good stuff. Promised i'd call the counseling center and set up an appointment by friday. Then i pretty much went back to the napping/computer/tv thing the rest of the night.

I didn't go to class on wednesday. I continued the napping/computer/tv thing, most of the time spent asleep. I dont really know why, i guess i just couldn't stand it anylonger. I called the counseling center and set up an appointment for thursday at 2, right after my psychology class. Now i didnt want to i had my reservations about the whole deal, starting over, disliking therapy really, it never worked for me before, the school thing, all of it. But i talked with a few friends who convinced me the worst that could happen was i didnt like it and wouldn't go back, one appointment wouldn't hurt me.

Slept til like 10min before i had to be at class. Went to class. I woke up feeling alittle ok. I took my quiz, then rushed over to the cafeteria and grabbed lunch then over to my appointment. I filled out their little forms and questionnaires. Well I don't know if i liked it or not. It was ok, it was an hour i was already feeling alittle better when i woke up. Did the hour thing, she told me i was depressed (really using that Ph.D of hers, i coulda told her that) and suggested meds to me. Now i ran the last time meds were suggested. I don't know its like a love/hate thing i guess.. they'd be great if they help but i dont want to lose me, as much as i hate me i am comfortable with me, i know me, and it may seem weird but being depressed sometimes feels normal. Anyways it was your basic first meeting thing, history family that sort of stuff. I signed one of those releases so she and my psych from home could share info. I came back to the dorm, watched General Hospital and finally ate my lunch. Stayed up most of the night just working on odd things i didnt want to sleep and i couldn't sleep so i stayed up.

Finally fell asleep at 9am and slept til around 3. Woke up and discovered that my favorite thing had arrived in excessive force, you ladies know, my period. Anyways it serves as a good excuse that i can tell myself it was a physical more than psychological reason i skipped classes again. So i got up, threw some clothes on and went to the mailroom because i knew i had a package waiting there for me. Came back to the dorm and opened it, it was the easter package ya know food, candy etc. I cleaned my room alittle. Worked on this site alittle, chatted alittle, watched some tv, basically stayed up all night doing stuff again.

Fell asleep finally around 8am and woke up around 1. Worked on a few things... got an essay done from last semester that needed to be edited again, (he's grading it this time). Got alot of stuff done basically, except for the essay's for comp, its just futile to do that. Anyways basically just did stuff. Havn't felt depressed since wednesdayish and i feel kind of ok, like fine, not happy or anything just i can function again mainly.