Well today i worked on this site some more... i woke up around 11am because #1 the tv was left on when i went to sleep at 8am and the sound of bob drilling woke me up... it was just as well, i figured my mom or grandmother would be calling with easter greetings anytime anyways. So basically today i worked on this site... my creative juices are flowing, ive done alot on this site actually this weekend, i finished basically the raves section and started on the rants. And tonight or this morning depending on how you want to look at it i created this section. I dunno i just need something to do.. actually i went to bed at 11:30 and woke up at 3am so this should be the start of monday shouldnt it? oh well im not tired yet.. grrrr... maybe i'll do my nails, they need to be repainted... just which color, i wear two mainly blue or purple.. hmm i think blue.. so this is where i stop.. this was easter sunday didnt do much watched the Road Rules marathon on MTV all day then just kept working on this site... see ya tomorrow.. er today? ;-)

Well... i didnt go to sleep last night... as you read... went to classes and stuff... well skipped chem lab cuz i had major cramps but that's beside the point... know what i saw today... i saw leaves green leaves... spring is here... funny i hadn't noticed them before... anyways my plan for today cuz i can feel myself coming off of that ok feeling again... getting into the blahs before a crash... so rather than wait for a crash im gonna go see titanic tonight and that should crash me... gotta squeeze laundry in sometime too, finally got quarters for doing it... gotta get down to and find the post office here before weeks end cuz i got a package to mail... and the mailroom here wont mail it... the nerve eh? feel kinda funky like i might wanna eat but if i do it could upset my stomach too... oh well... ill drink some o my crystal light and see if that helps... my life is soo boring so this is prolly good for today... see you tomorrow... if anything amazing happens ill let ya know then, chances of that are slim to none but hey.... just finished watching titanic... hasnt crashed me yet but made me really somber...

Its tuesday... psychology was fun, we pretty much bashed this town which hates the college and its students yet the college is the only thing that keeps this town alive... anyways what did i learn today... and what have i learned all my life that broken friendships cannot be fixed, they cannot be repaired, trying only wastes your breath, its better to just let go leave and not turn back, its safer that way, harder to get hurt, and if you dont try for that closure that is lacking you can't get hurt any further.... best strategy in life is to live it alone without friends, you cant hurt them and they cant hurt you... why do we need friends anyways to affirm the miserable existance that is your life? is it worth it? is life worth it? i dont think so... god happiness eludes me at every corner... i have something some people want, and they ask to borrow it but dont have the curtosy to ask if i may want to watch it with them... and what am i doing this psychologis thing for really? i was asking myself that, am i doing it so i can be alive to go home to a family whom whenever i'm around them we are at each other's throats... and go home to empty nights and empty days because all of the friends that i had or thought i had either said fuck her or i was the one to say fuck them? did i deserve the people who just left and never returned? did i deserve it? what did i do, i didnt think i was such an awful person... oh if i could just curl up and die

Its amazing how a day can turn around sometimes... I skipped biology this morning because i had a calc test and had the worst time falling asleep... i had a really bad night... i seriously considered taking those pills i have... but i didnt, yet i didnt fall asleep until around 5am... so i slept til calc... took my exam, wasnt too too bad... then went to my most favorite *gag* class chemistry played calculator tetris... so it wasnt a total waste of time... then and this is the amazing part i sat with friends at lunch... they came over and got be from 'my' table where i usually sit alone and told me to come sit with them... then bio lab.. it was fun.. always is, especially when a dissection or dissections as the case was, are the lab... although i absolutely refused to dissect the grasshopper... gross... so i didnt... spent like 45min on a crayfish though it was fun... other than that ya know... basically took apart the crayfish on my own ya know not following the directions and just poking around... you learn more that way... so i guess dispite the suicidal beginnings today's been a good day, so far anyways... its only 3:30.. well i slept from 3:30 to around 8... just fell asleep, weird... so nothing much to tell... i still dont know about this second psychologist's appointment i have tomorrow... we'll see how it goes i suppose... just well i never liked it and still dont...

well... today has actually been a good day... just kind of one of those lazy days ya know? but overall good feel to it... got my housing for next year done good room well first of the floors :) so thats a plus, makes moving in easier... and i applied for parking so i can get a job next semester... did the psychologist appointment again, its still weird but she talked to karen and i think karen filled her in some.. their request of me is going to be to make a real commitment to therapy this time around.. i still dunno, i want to but i dont know if i can, if that makes sense.. i suppose i can try, ellen (new chick) said karen agreed to see me this summer... so i guess that makes it ok.. but ya know i still dunno... ya know what i get offended when people say my childhood sucked and my parents are assholes, i do... i dont know i do ill defend them but then again i suppose it doesnt make sense why i do... oh well ellen said my goal for the week is to get into a better sleeping habit, routine... argh.. oh well..

well today's been good... got my calc test back... got an A-/B+ so im happy.... failed chem test... now im just ya know vegging.... lost a friend yesterday, i fucking hate that... i cant keep a friend why bother with them? in the end they all go away anyways... should i even bother anymore with it? are friends worth it? i dunno... well im gonna lounge the rest of today n stuff....

well i gained that friend back... and i dont know its a good thing and all but its not the same yet i recognize and accept the fact that you can never go back and all.... anyways today is saturday.... its dreary out well just more dead out, campus is a virtual ghost town due to the long weekend... i just feel so empty today... like im here, i exist yet there is a huge something missing... and i dunno i wish i could just one, be normal and all that goes with it... or just die... because life seriously has lost everything for me, i am going to fail classes this semester im not passing them, im failing one outright, chem i may sqeeze by but its not likely, and you know i hate that yet its futile to try and change it... then going home for the summer thrown back with people who i dont get along with and vice versa and going back for the summer to nothing, no friends a job that isnt what it used to be, remodeled store new employees seems everything is gone ... everything is gone... feels like im just waiting for that one last thing to be knocked out from under me... i want to cry but have no tears