Depression Rant

Whats it like to be depressed? Its something most people who havn't been truly depressed can fathom. Its like you lose control of what you need to control. You can see your life, you can "live" but you have no control over what happens, you can only see it happening and look on helpless to what's going on. You lose sight of a future, you have no hope, no dreams, no aspirations.. you see nothing, you only see your life crumbling down around you.. then you see it being taken out from under you and falling to ash.. thats the point where you get suicidal.. then you begin to think of all the reasons your alive and they always with very rare exception turn out to be all the reasons you should die. You cant get out of bed in the morning your strength and will to do so is gone. Sleep is your refuge. If you can sleep away your problems that's ok.. you dont help your problems or try to change them because you cant see anyway of doing that anyways... everything dies, nothing holds meaning to you anymore, you pull into yourself so you dont hurt others.. you put on a fake smile and through the years perfect a routine of lying through your teeth with a smile on your face to hide the pain your feeling inside... you crawl into bed each night and pray that you die in your sleep... you pray that something will happen to make you die because you dont have the energy anymore to kill yourself... you have nobody to turn to because you pushed them all away... you built up this impenetrable fortress so you wont hurt anyone... so nobody will be subject to your pain or your hurt or your suffering, there is no need to make them go through that... your sucked in so deep that there is no recovery.... then when you maybe feel alittle better when you wake up one morning you look at the disaster that was left in the wake and you have no energy to fix it... you turn into a quitter.. you say fuck life.. and you return to your bed, or you return to your bottle, or you turn to your razors, or you sometimes find the strength to possibly kill yourself, rarely you find the spark inside and do something about it... then once its done dont want to do it anymore but your not one to break appointments... it doesnt end... it keeps coming back and it comes back each time with more intensity each subsequent time it returns...