Read What Others Have Shared
(October 2000)

There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone

October 23, 2000
From : Toni
E-mail : btblm@msn.com

10:32 P.M.
Dear Friends,
This is about my depression experience. I would like to share it with you, in hopes it may help you, and others.

My depression began when I was 11 years old. I was sexually abused by my brother for about eight years, and emotionally, and somewhat physically abused by my mother all my life. My brother still abused me anytime he wanted, when our parents were gone. I didn't know how to stop him, and I couldn't tell anyone, because I was afraid of my mother, and dad wasn't around much I was afraid to tell him too. My brother said he would kill me if I told anyone, so that was the main reason. I had no one I could ever talk to until I married my husband.

This abuse affected my whole life. I lost my childhood, my teen years were a mess. I was promiscuous. It affected my marriage, and family relationships. It still makes me angry when I think about it, so I try not to. I have learned to bury my feelings so deep, it is difficult to know how to deal with them when they do come up. I usually end up repressing them again. I am trying to deal with day to day emotions, but I am in such of a habit of repressing, that I automatically repress. So, I have to remind myself it is ok to feel, but most of the time I don't.

I withdrew into myself, became a loner. I couldn't relate to people anymore. I felt unsafe, and threatened. I felt suicidal many times. I was afraid of my own shadow.

Anyway, I went through years of counseling with Christian counselors. Unfortunately, they were using mostly humanistic practices, which messed me up even more. Then l a preacher friend of ours counseled with me, and taught me how to undo the mess the counselors made of me, and all the phsychology books they had me read, and ones I wanted to read. I was adicted to those books. They had my thinking all messed up. That's why I stick mostly to scriptural solutions, like Phil. 4, "think on these things". That is where the problems start, in the thoughts. How we can confuse ourselves, delude ourselves by thinking worldly solutions, which aren't the answer at all. There was too much dwelling on "self". Jesus tells us to deny our self. I had to learn for myself just what that means. How much does one deny self, and how? I am still learning that one. Balance, I think is the key. Paul tells us to see to the needs of others, and our needs will be met in return. That is true! I thought for the longest time it wasn't. There were times, I've discovered that God wanted me to learn a certain lesson, which came years later. I still struggle at times, but I think I have a somewhat better understanding than I did then. There is still much for me to learn.

I learned that I had to forgive my abusers, and forget the past, move on to the goal. To put off my old ways, put on the new. To deal with the sins in my life now, to learn obedience to God, submission to my husband, to pray constantly, (which I still don't do enough of). To trust fully in God, I am still struggling with feeling forgiven, I know I am, but I don't feel the joy. It is like I know I don't deserve it, yet none of us do. I read something in a book, The Divine Conspiracy, the other day about this subject, which I need to review, because it explains the why, and what I need to change. I hang onto 1 John 1:5-10, which says' if we confess our sins, He is faithful to forgive........' otherwise I would go nuts. And I know Satan uses that against me, but Jesus has overcome! I will too through Christ who strengthens me! I used to have, maybe still do at times, trouble with staying in reality. I have improved immensely there. My big struggle now is relationships. I have trouble communicating verbably, so it is difficult. If I am with someone who likes to talk, I just listen. I still feel very isolated, but I know I have lots of friends at church, just I don't get to share with them much.

My husband has been an immense help to me. He supported me all the way, even when he didn't understand what was going on. He has been very forgiving. My depressions have been a struggle for him as well, because when I was down he felt like he had to walk on eggs later he found out that he didn't, and my being down made him down too. You know how that goes, I'm sure.

Well I could go on and on, so hope I haven't babbled to long. If you have any questions, I will be happy to discuss anything with you. I hope things are going better for you all.

In Christian Love,
Toni

(A note from Hopeinsight: The following letter is an example of just how alone & hopeless a person with emotional illness can feel, and how SERIOUS it can become...whether they are Christian or not. My heart goes out to Jay's family & loved ones. I am praying that his death will not be in vain.)

October 19, 2000

I would like share with all of you what happened to one of my relatives last week. His name was Jay and he became very depressed. His doctor was very worried about him and wanted to admit him to the hospital. Jay did not go. He committed suicide. This is so sad, isn't it? I encourage anyone out there who is struggling with depression to get help. I have manic depression. I've struggled with it for many years...since I was 18. I am now 37. It runs in my family and it has nothing to do with lack of faith. I became a Christian around the age of 26. Ironically it has only been Christian people that have tried to shame me and make me feel guilty for having this illness. Please...don't listen to them. They have no idea what they are talking about. Get help if you need it...I urge you to do this for yourself. My sister also has manic depression and attempted suicide last Demember...thank God she did not succeed. She went to the hospital, is now on the right medication and has a lot of support from my family. Please...don't be afraid to get help. There is a lot of support out there...including this great website. Friends, depression is a life and death illness...please take care of yourselves. !

October 19, 2000

Ever since I have been a Christian, I have gotten the impression from many other Christians that the Bible is the only source we should refer to for not only spiritual help, but physical help, emotional help, financial help, etc. I thank God that I had some of the doctors I've had in my life to help me with my illness...manic depression. I take lithium and synthroid and have found it very helpful. For a while I had to take an anti-depressant. It helped me get out of a terrible depression but also gave me side effects and would sometimes make me swing over to the manic side.

I think it's great that you have this website and I'm sure it's helped many people. Depression/Bi-Polar is a physical illness and it's often heriditary. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Would a person be ashamed if they had diabetes?

Would it be right for any Christian to say to that person...you don't have enough faith or you're sinning and that's why you have diabetes? Of course not...it would be absolutely ridiculous to say such a thing and also very hurtful and insulting to that person. Let us all remember that any illness is just that, an illness.

October 5, 2000

I am a new mother and just recently have been feeling some of the feelings that you have felt. My daughter will be walking soon and I just don't have the heart to clean up so that she can learn to walk, and I don't have the heart to do much of anything. I used to. I don't feel like dying, unless you include worrying about what life would be like for my daughter if I did, but I don't needlessly worry about it. I feel like I worry about that no more than a normal person would, you know, I don't dwell on it. I have had alot of family issues with my mom and dad over the years growing up and while I feel that my father was a great dad, I feel that there was some mental abuse going on. I know that sounds strange to say that he was a great dad while he was mentally abusing me but it is true. I feel like he was just trying to raise me right and in his efforts to be "the parent" he was too controlling and strict. I think that the reason I am feeling depressed is because I am now raising my daughter and I wouldn't dream of doing and saying some of the things that my dad said to me. Being a parent somehow makes you look at the way your parents raised you and makes you wonder if you would do it that way. I've even discussed going to therapy with my husband ( not going with him just discussing it with him) and I don't want to do that because I feel I would have to hide it from my mom and dad. My dad feels as though he did a great job raising me and I don't want him to know that I feel otherwise to a certain extent. Looking back I think that I was depressed back in high school when most of the "mental abuse" took place. I was so thin and was so displeased with everything. When I met my husband my junior year everything changed. It's like I woke up. I started eating, well I guess really I started getting an appetite, food had never even appealed to me before even if I was hungry, and my grades shot up. Things have been going good for about 7 years and now I'm starting to feel some of the same old feelings, I guess it's because of my daughter like I stated before. I am going to take St. John's Wort like you did because my life is really wonderful except for these annoying feelings and malaise that I have. I think St'John's wort might help, but if it doesn't I am prepared to seek other help. My husband and I do not currently attend church, because he is trying to get his bachelors degree and he stays up late most saturday nights and I don't pressure him to go to church on sunday, although he wants to asap. I feel like church would help, but I also feel like I would be hiding alot of myself from other church members by not revealing my depression or whatever this is, I really do not want my dad ever catching wind of what my childhood has done to me. Thanks for listening. Stephanie

October 3, 2000
E-mail :(Send me your e-mail if you'd like it posted. Thanks!)

My depression started in high school, and was combined with a poor image and later an eating dissorder. I lost my mom (and only friend that I shared myself with)to cancer at age 21. I think it's easier to deny depression, especially is you do not have a good support system. I tried to talk about it and it was dismissed as a bad mood or a phase. This would bring on more frustration and hopelessness because the illness wasn't taken seriously from the people I thought would have some concern. I began to withdraw from the world and isolate myself. Being alone prevents me from having to find the energy to act normal, and happy, when it isn't how I feel. The world doesn't understand, and may think of you as antisocial.

I finally hit the brick wall and wasn't going to get over this until I got help. After I was married 2 years I went into the hospital. I actually felt good just being there. Knowing this thing I have is a real disease, It isn't my imagination and I can't snap out of it.

I was out of the hospital and 12 days later was saved. My life isn't without problems or medication, but I am happier than I have ever been and to know I am loved just as I am, is the most comforting feeling that no medicine ever gave me. I was so glad to find your website, because I have prayed over taking or not taking medication (just yesterday in fact).
Thank you for answering my prayer!

 

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