March 19, 2001
From : Mary

First of all, God bless you for your wonderful web page full of information, but most of all full of love and understanding.

I too am going through a major clinical depression right now. I have been on several meds for the past year or two, but nothing really seems to work. This last two months have been the worst.

To me depression is like the walking dead. I feel nothing inside. I was crying all the time, but now the meds keep me from crying. But I still feel nothing. I don't feel joy. I feel helpless and hopeless. The only thing that keeps me going is my faith in my Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ. If I had no faith, I probably would not be living now.

I have 3 small children who are very draining. Right now with the way I feel, I feel guilty that I cannot be the mother that I was or should be. I too have a hard time getting up in the mornings. My husband is a kind and wonderful man, but I wonder how long he's going to deal with this becaues he has never had depression like this.

Before my depression, I have had Generalized Anxiety Disorder since 1985 after a back surgery. I dealt with that pretty good, but had to be on medicine for anxiety. I learned how to stop the panic attacks, and not to let them govern my life and I have done okay with that.

But now, with this depression, I am really losing hope. I feel that I'm never going to come out of this. And like you said, feel very guilty about having to take medicine for this. Why can't I just snap out of it, like some people think. Exercise it away. Do something fun. They just don't understand.

When I really feel overwhelmed by these negative feelings, I reach for my bible and find comfort there. I just keep reading until it passes.

I pray every day for deliverance, but if it is God's will that I have to live like this, then I'll have to make the best of it. I'll never give up on the Lord, or blame him for this, or turn away from him. He is my strength and my salvation. It is for Him that I live this life.

I am also comforted by the fact that I know that the Lord never gives you more than you can bear, and I believe that when it is time, he will deliver me from this horrible feeling. I take comfort in knowing that if no one in this whole world knows or understand how I feel, I know that my Lord knows exactly how I feel and that is good enough for me.

Thanks again for your wonderful and inspiring words of comfort. God has truly blessed you as you have helped many people with your story.

March 17, 2001

I never thought of my self as depressed but always on life's edge. It wasn't until a public person,in my city, committed suicide that I even considered depression as my problem. I had my own concept of what a depressed person was all about. This all occurred during the month of depression awareness month. In reading a local story about depression, I realized I had so many of the indicators. So to others I appeared functional and fine, but life was full of physical pain and hollowness.

Previously to this time, I would visualize myself near a black hole. At times this hole would pull me closer and there was nothing I could do. At times I would fall into this whole. I always made it back out of the hole by doing various things, exercising, reading self help books, strongly anchoring myself in the bible, making sure that every sin I had ever committed had been confessioned and asked for forgiveness, teaching a sunday school class, etc. These are all good things but some how never kept me out of the hole for very long. BUT ONE FALL MORNING IT WAS DIFFERENT, I was sitting at the edge of my black hole and knew somehow that this time when I fell in, I was not coming back. I then realized I needed help. A close friend actually had to call a doctor for me.

For some weird and backward reason, I believe those that attempt suicide are trying to self preserve. Basically, to have the physical and mental pain stop. There are times when I see people battling cancer, that I wish I could trade places with them, or if I knew I was going to instantly die in the next ten minutes, I would be ok with that notion.

It is wonderful to fine a site such as this place for christians to validate their illness. I have learned how to manage my depression and to recognize when the black hole subtlety starts pulling me. Usually the depression is not as severe nor as long. My depression is bi-polar. Usually I can ease my depression when the warning flags go up but when I start feeling on top of the world, and with incredible energy, I know what is about to come. When I'm in this state, I'm not compulsive or out of control, just feeling wonderful, no problem to big. However during these times, I do double question myself so as to stay in control. I love the high but dread what door I must enter next. Depression. Then BAM, one day I wake up and life is useless. I think " how could I have been fooling myself all this time? This is reality, this is me". My depression is a busy one, which is why I never considered myself depressed before. My mind is going in fifty directions, but nowhere, I ruminate on certain thoughts but always never completing the thought, causing me to start over. I disguise my indecisivenes as being " careful in my thoughts and decisions". I know for sure I'm going to be fired, as I am fraud, even though I have steadly moved up the career ladder. But with good medical care from my doctor and by the grace of God, I pull through.

I often wonder why this particular burden was given to me and how can this be used of God. I still don't understand this question. I agree there is a lot of shame and stigma to depression. When not depressed we still have bad days like anyone else, but we know the difference between a bad day and a day with depression. I hate to hear others that know of individuals that take medication for their depression to say things like "their medication must be off or they need their medication adjusted". This is why I keep my depression to myself.

I have come to accept my depression. I went through all those phases: sad upon remission of all the years I had suffered and lost, to believing I was truly cured when my depression went into remission, scared after my second remission, knowing that it could strike at any time, to being angry that I had depression, to being able to recognize the warning signs, to being able to manage my depression, to some degree, so as not to allow it become completly out of total control. In keeping everything in check, I know the hole will still pull me in. I have no total control. Only God. He's even there when I feel he is not. This is where it is a blessing to find a place like this.

I know I have been long winded, but this has been very helpful to me for this is the first time, other than my doctor, that I have shared my story. I love that new christian song lyric that states "..Give me hope within.." That is my prayer for you and for me. For hope is what keeps us going.

March 9, 2001
From: Sue Palmer
E-mail : wordwmn54@cs.com

I think I may have clinical depression. I took the online test for it provided by the National Institute of Health and it said I did have it. I have not been examined thoroughly by a doctor for it...but it does seem persistent and has been with me for a number of years. This website helped me get a Christian perspective on the disease, which freed me up to seek medical and psychological help for this problem, without feeling guilty. I have struggled so much lately with it, sometimes, in the past 3 years in particular, avoiding church services because I simply could not stand to be in a group of happy, huggy people. It just made me feel more depressed. I also often didn't have the strength to be "happy" and, if I told people what I was really feeling, they often got depressed, or at least got a sad look on their faces, which made my experience even more difficult. I hated making people miserable, yet that is what I tended to do, more and more. I also found that I started gettin! g angry, too, a lot -- much more than I had in my 30s... irritable, moody, prone to "losing it" emotionally. It was and often still is very difficult. But I praise God for this website, which has given me hope and -- most of all -- permission to seek the treatment which I now think I really DO need. For so long I have thought that looking for a medicine to fix me was wrong, weak, and lacking in faith. I no longer think or feel that way. Thank you, hopeinsight, for your very helpful and balanced website. I now believe there IS "hope in sight" for me.

(PS: I had some trouble viewing the site-- had to reload the pages one at a time. But it was worth it!!!!)

March 8, 2001
From: Julaine Siegel
E-mail : JGcgull@aol.com

"DEPRESSION - FIGHTING THE ODDS AND WINNING
A Woman's Story of Hope and Recovery"

It started out with a simple panic attack one night. As a young mother, I had struggled for three long years, combining full time work and caring for my family. My husband, Dennis and I, were en route to Washington, DC on a short vacation, celebrating the acquisition of his new job which would finally allow me to stay at home with our young son.

I awoke suddenly in the middle of the night, breathless, heart pounding and feeling as if I were suffocating. Pacing the floor until the attack subsided, I returned to bed mystified. The attack returned the next day and the next - increasing in number and severity. Severe nausea then invaded my body, forcing me into a hospital emergency room. Physicians there admitted me twice during following week, treating me with intravenous feedings and medication for anxiety. Searching for intestinal problems but finding none, doctors released me and I returned home with my husband. Retreating to my bed, I began to feel worse and worse.

My third admittance to a hospital proved fruitless again. I returned to bed once more,sluggish from medications that seemed only to induce sleep. My weight plummeted to a dangerous level, along with my spirits. I could no longer function - neither did I have a desire to. An ominous weight pushed down on me. Powerless to escape its clutches, I began to think about dying.

One night I awoke, feeling as if someone were injecting me with toxic adrenaline. Sobbing and frantically pacing the floor, I began to think I had lost my mind. My frightened husband once again rushed me to a hospital--this time to the University of Iowa Medical Center.

There, a diagnosis was finally made. I had severe major depression and anxiety disorder. Admitted the U of Iowa's psychiatric in-patient center, I was heavily sedated. Weeks inched by as I endured various medication trials and ECT treatments. Many times I felt I could not go on. The battle seemed interminable. Finally, following various treatments methods and two hospitalizations in six months, I was able to resume a normal life again.

For the next few years, I was successful battling various minor episodes of recurrent depression. It was during this time I discovered a wonderful support group for depressives and manic depressives (DMDA San Antonio, Texas), where my family resided. Not only did I find friends and support, but received life giving education and coping skills concerning clinical depression.

Upon relocating to Florida soon afterwards, my participation in the San Antonio DMDA Chapter aided me in establishing DMDA Mid-Orlando in 1993. The group flourished and began to exert a positive impact on Orlando's mental health community.

When I experienced a major depressive setback soon after, a DMDA support group friend and member stayed with me day after day, taking care of my physical and mental needs while my husband went to work. For months, I battled a downhill battle of medication trials and treatments, only becoming increasing ill. My family grew exhausted from the tremendous strain I was putting on them. Time after time I came close to losing my struggle with depression. Only the perseverance of my doctor, loved ones, friends, and countless prayers in my behalf, kept me fighting to overcome this illness that seemed to want to devour me. After three years of constant battling, I finally responded to a successful medication combination. It was if I had risen from the dead!

In 1999, I celebrated my fourth year of major recovery from severe depression. The recent years since my recovery have been filled with struggles, yet have been the best time of my life.

Because of the excellent training and support provided by DMDA on a local, state and national level, I was able to resume active DMDA leadership and help train others to in the same pursuit. Resulting employment as an information and referral specialist at a Florida Mental Health Association, increased my knowledge about mental illness, its treatment, and advocacy. Participation in mental health seminars, programs and contacts with professionals further honed my skills.

I have been privileged not only to work as an Orange County, Florida guardian advocate for psychiatric inpatients but be a team member of the first official Guardian Advocacy pilot program in the state of Florida. My great desire to help educate and support others dealing with mental illness has expanded even further.

I joined the ranks of another national mental health organization, NAMI of Greater Orlando, served on its local board and was an volunteer in its advocacy endeavors. I have also aided in National Depression Day Screenings in FL and CO.

One of my favorite activities is addressing professional, community and school classes about my struggle to overcome serious depression.

The highlight of my victory, however, occurred when I entered graduate school in January 2000, to become a licensed mental health counselor.

Today, as a masters student at Denver Seminary, I am looking forward to the day I can further serve others as a consumer-oriented/professional, in the community, churches and mental health support organizations. The recovery and victories I have attained, are largely due to the support, education and skills I received from being a activie in mental illness organizations and support groups.

Today, I can reach out to others in a more effective way.
Truly, I have "walked the walk!"

By Julaine Siegel
Denver, Colorado

Please feel free to contact me with questions, or share my story to encourage others.
Email: Jgcgull@aol.com

March 6, 2001
E-mail : KershKersh@cs.com

Hi, my name is kertia and I too suffer from depression. I am on two meds, Buspar and Paxil. I have had depression probably from the time i was a little girl. I do believe it is hereditary. My anxiety was also so bad that I could not drive until I started taking medication. Overall, I have had a lot of support regarding my depression but it seems that the support was not really there until I ended up in the hospital last summer. I made the mistake of listening to the advice of well-meaning Christians who urged me to stop taking my medication and "trust God for my deliverance". I learned the hard way to do what the Lord tells ME to do. I am slowly learning that people's thoughts of depression are their own business I was really ashamed after I spent a week on the psych ward of the hospital. But now I am learning to take each day as it comes and listen to my body, spirit and mind very carefully. I have been taking my meds pretty consistently, but I did have a relapse about a week and a half ago. I couldn't get out of the bed and go to work for two days! But I could definitely tell that God was holding me in his arms. I didn't feel as hopeless as I had felt in times past. I knew He was there. A very good friend of mine from church, who is also a psych nurse who deals personally with depression as well, came and sat with me and talked with me and prayed with me. She didn't mind that there were piles of clothes all over the house, a sink full of dishes and that my hair was all over my head. She was there for me. It meant a lot. She reminded me that a depressive episode is just like a bout of the flu you just kind of have to ride it out. With God as my strength and my fortress, that's just what I intend to do! Much love and I will pray for all of my brothers and sisters in Christ who suffer alongside of me.

 

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