Read What Others Have Shared
(April 2000)

There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone

April 30, 2000
From : Beth
E-mail : EMADorsey@aol.com

It was very comforting to read the stories of those who shared their experiences with depression. I have dealt with depression since my teens and understand the fear and frustration. Now 41 years old, I have been taking Zoloft for the past five years and was switched to Effexor this past week. The Zoloft had quit being effective and in light of recent stressful events, the doctor thought it was best to change my medication. I have to always be on the lookout for the symptoms of depression and to seek help where ever I can find it. Prayer works the best and sharing with those that love me. I don't feel any shame for taking the medication - it is like being diabetic and taking my insulin. God loves me and wants me to be happy and productive Christian. I am much better but still have minor "episodes" when stressful events happen or I haven't been taking good care of myself. I will trust in the Lord. God bless each of you.

April 26, 2000
From : Pam
E-mail : IcantHEcan@aol.com

Dear Fellow-Christians, In December 1999 I could not have written this. I love the Lord with all my heart but I thought I'd lost the Holy Spirit which had always uplifted me before then. As a stay-at-home mother of 4 and 5-year olds, I stay very busy. When I became serverely tired, I thought (at first) it was just my age of 46 years and pre-menopause setting in. But this past Christmas our family added a party to our already hecktic schedule and the preparations put me over-the-top. Soon afterwards, all I wanted to do was sleep. I became dispondent and lacked all joy. I couldn't sleep at night so I was tired all day. I feared for my physical health as well as my mental health since I lost my appetite and quickly went from 139 to 118 lbs. I became dehydrated (since everything tasted like soap) and I couldn't even drink water. I saw my Dr., who I explained my symptoms to, and she said I was clinically depressed and needed anti-depressants. My Christian husband and I, not believing in the drugs, continued to struggle throughout January and February with the decision to take anti-depressants or not. Finally, in March I tried some Zoloft for 3-days. It made me feel really weird and paranoid ... So the Dr. switched me to 20mgs. of Celexa which did nothing ... but, since it didn't make me feel weird or paranoid, I stayed on it like my Dr. asked me to do. About 4-5 weeks into taking Celexa I started to feel some joy again. I begged the Holy Spirit to uplift as He'd always done before. I found I didn't want to stay in bed ... and, I could do more than just barely function daily(making meals, beds and taking the kids to and from school was not the major task it had been). I started connecting on my bible study questions in BSF again. I didn't want to hide from everyone like before. My eyes didn't burn anymore from lack of sleep. Today, I can say that I am coming back to being alot like my old self ... but, I still want to do it without the anti-depressants. My Dr. has asked me to stay on them for at least 6-months. I used to feel (like so many others have said) that I wasn't trusting enough of God ... and that I didn't have the patience to wait on HIM instead of taking anti-depressants. But, after much praying to the Lord for an answer, HE's seemed to be telling my husband and I ... just trust ME ... it's o.k. to use the medicine. After doing so, I can honestly say, I'm glad I did. I couldn't bear to let down my family one minute longer. If you've been where I've been ... you know the helplessness and guilt that goes with a depression that seemingly comes from no-where. Thank you for letting me share my experience. I welcome other Christians who struggle with depression and the decision to take/or not take anti-depressants to write me.

Love to my family in Christ Jesus, Pam

April 25, 2000
From : Sue
E-mail : goodsamwaite@juno.com

I believe that I've been depressed all my life. I am a 45 year old woman. I've been married for the 3rd time for 17 years. My husband has turned out to be an alchoholic, who is married to his job. I will try to be brief. I could write a billion pages. I know I have a chemical imbalance. When my mother was 40, she got pregnant with me. I found out that she smoked during her pregnancy. My father was 42 years old and an alchohalic. I believe this might have gotten my chemical make-up messed up. I have been on anti-depressants since I was about 21 years old. In 1988 I tried prozac and it seemed to really help. I also was going to counseling, and Bible study, and in a support group for anxiety and panic attacks. Then I got pregnant with my 4th child. I didn't want to be pregnant, the way my husband was etc. I stopped the prozac. When my daughter was 4 mo. old I was so depressed I couldn't function. I stopped breast feeding and went back on the prozac, but it wasn't the same. I believe my system or hormones were different, instead of giving me energy, I became more lethargic with each increased doseage. Over the last 9 years I have taken Zoloft, wellbutrin, and I am now on Effexor. In the last year, my Mother and best friend died, I've had many illnesses, hurt my back at work, my Aunt died. My brother died, and I was fired from my job on March 15. I was fired because I was late (no more than 8 min ever) too many times. Some days it was all I could do to crawl out of bed and go to work. I was never grumpy to the customers. Once i got to work I put on my mask and was an excellent employee, I did enjoy helping people and visiting with them. I could almost always pretend that I was happy. I worked in a nutrition center. Now i have bills piling up, and I don't want to do anything but sit. I am back at a Bible study, the ladies are wonderful, but they have been together for 3 years or more. I always feel like an outsider. I have so many crazy thoughts. I 've asked Jesus into my heart, confessed and repented for my millions of sins etc. My heart and my head are miles apart. Life is such a struggle for me , I just dread everything. I want to feel better so bad. I want to help others, or be able to do things with and for my kids. I've learned not to plan things cause I will get a migraine or not have the energy to move. My 18 year old son was diagnosed with ADD, when he was 10, and with depression when he was 12. He didn't like the medications. He began running away from home & skipping school at 13. He began self medicating with pot and booze, mostly pot. I had him in treatment centers, counseling, talked to the Pastors and Church Youth group leaders. He disappeared from July 98 to Dec. of 1999. The death of my mother on April 11 of last year has turned him around somewhat. He has a job. He comes over about once a week. We are still paying for all the treatment centers, and juvenille detention charges. He owes fines, and can't get his driver's license, although he drives. He also needs to take 2 more tests to get his GED. My oldest son is 25, and he does okay. He owns his own home 20 miles away, he lives with a girlfriend, and lets my other son live there too. My daughters are 15 and 10. The 15 year old is an angel. When i was 5 months pregnant with her, I developed Lupus. She had a complete heart block and is now on her 2nd pacemaker. She was truly a miracle from God. My 10 year old is a livewire and very strong-willed. I'm concerned about her. I have a stepdaughter that I haven't seen in over a year. My husband let her be adopted to her stepdad. My husband has been married 3 times. He gave up a son 25 years ago to be adopted to his stepdad. The girls are his the boys are not. Well, thank-you for letting me vent. God Bless You!!Sue

April 21, 2000
From : Magda
E-mail : DeciStar@aol.com

I feel like I was kind of depressed all my life., maybee since the death of my mother when I was only four. I was officially diagnosed at age 43, while already married with three children. I was lucky to go to a christian counselor in Orlando, who gave me a long test with hundreds of questions and it determined I had dysthamia (spell?), which he said ia chronic, but milder kind of depression. With medicine I am able to cope very well and even be happy if I control my thoughts and my body. Our thought patterns can destroy us if we listen. It helps me to do tiny personal goals and list every day to keep me busy and not just thinking about what bothers me. The Lord has been graceful to me. I have never prayed for healing for myself, but I know in my case I am more than blessed by God. A lot of christian sis and brothers don't look good to depressed people, and this has turned me away from the church somehow. A lot of people think you depressed because of sin or because you dont do this and that. Anyway, I am sleepy now. If anyone is interested e-mail me. I will be glad to share.

April 21, 2000
From : Tom
E-mail : diecast@wgn.net

My name is Tom and I have been suffering from depression since my teen years. I became a Christian at age 23. I am now 49. When I was 40, I sought therapy with a Christian psychologist to help with the overwhelming sense of darkness that I felt inside. Very early in my therapy he began to suggest that I look into medication to help with my depression. I was very resistant to this idea because I hated the thought of going to a psychiatrist. Did this mean I was crazy or what? Further, I did not like the idea that a pill could solve what I had felt for so long. I thought it was my responsibility to overcome my feelings and that was why I had come to therapy. In addition, I was very uneasy at the idea that a pill could do for me what God had not. Eventually I became so depressed that I decided I should try anything and I went to a psychiatrist to see if the pill would help. He prescribed Prozac. After an initial period of uncomfortable side effects, I began to feel much better. This was good but it left me wondering why a pill delivered what my Christianity had not. So, several times I decided to stop taking the Prozac. I did not consult my therapist or the psychiatrist. Each time I crashed. I finally decided that (for me) taking Prozac was what God wanted me to do. It was submission to God and following godly counsel. Things went well after that and I experienced over five years with no recurrence of depression.

In December 1998, I began to slip into depression again. I was panicked because I had come to believe that I would never suffer again from the debilitating effects like my previous depressions. In early 1999, I sought the advice of the therapist that I had seen and my personal physician. I asked if the Prozac could have suddenly become ineffective. They both said that they had not heard of this happening. So, there I was suffering from depression (and, overwhelming guilt because I had the depression…there must be something wrong with me) again. From some reason the depression lifted for the summer months but in late August 1999, it returned with a vengeance. From August until early April 2000, I was overwhelmed with sadness and I was barely able to function. It was difficult to get out of bed in the morning and it took great effort to do anything. I also began to isolate myself because I felt so guilty. I just couldn't bear to be around people. They would express the! ir care for me but nothing helped. I felt distant from God-for some reason (probably my fault) He had abandoned me.

In late March 2000, another psychologist friend called me and suggested that I see a psychiatrist to see if he could prescribe something that could help. Again, I resisted and I hated the idea that I had to see if a psychiatrist could do what God did not do for me. Nevertheless, I had become so desperate I would even try this. I saw the psychiatrist just over one week ago and he told me that something biological was the root of what I was feeling. He prescribed Wellbutrin to work synergistically with the Prozac. After two days of taking the Wellbutrin, I began to feel much better. Today I feel like my sanity has been restored and I am very thankful. I am also dealing with feelings of anger-why did God allow me (and, those close to me) to experience 16 months of hell? How can I integrate my recent experience with my Christianity. I believe I will work my way through these things but that is the way I feel now. I am sending this to your Web site because I am hoping that others who have experienced similar things can be of some help to me. I have found it very difficult to find Christians who really understand what I have experienced. People care but they have not gone through what I have. Blessings to you and thank you for your wonderful Web site!

April 18, 2000
From : Don
E-mail : Dp216@webtv.net

Hello,

I really don't know where to begin.Anyway I think I've had depression since I was 13 when I found out I had Epilepsy. I just felt so different from other people.It is still hard to deal with almost 30 years later.Then when I was 39 I had a heart attack and still haven't fully recovered mentally from that.That's when I asked the Lord into my life, but it doesn't seem to be helping me a whole lot! It is so hard for me to go work. The doctor said I have an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I constantly think the worst.I've been on Prozac,Luvox,Serzone,Remeron. None of them help me.I am on klonopin,which doesn't seem to help either.I cry very often and ask the Lord in prayer to relieve some of this pain mentally.Lonliness, being afraid, hopelessness stay's with me everyday.I talked to God everyday HOPING for some kind of miracle. I recite over and over what Jesus said (Don not worry, for I am with you even unto the ages.) In my mind it seems like I can't talk to anyone in my family. They just more or less say to trust in God. I feel like a failure in this because of the way my mind thinks! I don't even want to get out of bed most of the time. That seems like a chore in itself.I am right now a bundle of nerves.

I do not want to feel this way but can't help it! I feel trapped in some kind of nightmare with no help in sight.

I read the bible everyday for some comfort in His Word. It helps but for awhile.I don't know what I am going to do about work. I feel afraid to go and don't know why Well,enough said. I thank the Lord everyday for the hope of eternal life with Him.Blessed be the name of the Lord!

April 16, 2000
From : Linda
E-mail : ZENOS480@MSN.COM

I THINK I'VE BEEN DEPRESSED SINCE I WAS A CHILD,I BECAME A CHRISTIAN IN MARCH OF 1970. I WAS ON ANTI-DEPRESSIVE MEDS OFF AND ON FOR 9 YRS. IN 11/99 I DECIDED TO GO OFF OF THEM AND I WAS OKAY TIL FEB. I WANT TO BE A STRONG CHRISTIAN BUT I THINK ALOT ABOUT DEATH AND DYING HOW IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER THAN LIVING THIS WAY.I CAN'T SEEM TO READ GOD'S WORD AND I CAN BARELY PRAY, I FEEL ANGRY ALOT AND LIKE TO ISOLATE MYSELF ESP. FROM HAPPY PEOPLE, I GUESS I'LL GO BACK ON MY MEDS EVEN THOUGH I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE FOR DOING SO. MY MOM'S ON PROZAC AS IS MY DAUGHTER. MY FAVORITE BROTHER ED DIED IN 97 OF A HEROINE OVERDOSE, MY DAD DIED SEPT.99 OF CANCER, AND MY DEAREST FRIEND MARIA DIED THE SAME MONTH AS MY DAD AT AGE 56. I'M EXPECTING A GRANDSON'S BIRTH IN JUNE BUT I SEEM TO HAVE NO JOY OVER IT. I'M SURVIVING ON KLONOPAN A NERVE MED. I LOVE GOD BUT AM ALSO ANGRY AT HIM FOR THE LIFE HE HAS GIVEN ME. THANKS FOR YOUR SITE AT LEAST I KNOW I'M NOT THE ONLY CHRISTIAN SUFFERING.

I GO TO CHURCH ROUTINELY BUT I FEEL SO DIFFERENT WHEN THEY'RE ALL HAPPY.
THANKS FOR LISTENING.

April 11, 2000
From : Doug
E-mail : dbrandt@ansa.com

I have been living with depression for about twenty years. I always had obsessive thoughts about being left behind in the rapture as a kid. I would run home from school to see if my parents were still there. It took me until my early twenties to trust God for this, but it was only after I got on meds that I began to feel better. Around the age of thirteen, my mom was diagnosed with clinical depression. That was hard for me, as she was my source of support. I had some really lonely years there. Then a couple of years later, my oldest brother and his wife had to come back from Europe because my brother was suffering from depression. It runs in our family. I have been on quite a few medications (imipramine, sinequan, desiprimane, luvox, and now Celexa). I have always struggled to accept my illness. I beat myself up when I fall back down into my pit. I try to figure things out analytically which makes everything worse. Others tell me to trust in God, but this seems so hard to do sometimes when I am feeling hopeless. I look back at my past and feel ashamed.

I am now in a relationship and the extra stress that comes with that has made me worse. This is hard. I love my girlfriend, but sometimes I am so dysfunctional. I feel sorry for her. I want to be strong for her, but sometimes I feel so weak and unable. At my worst, I have irrational thoughts about our relationship and this really makes me feel down because I want our relationship to work and I know God has brought us together. She sticks with me through thick and thin, but I'm so desperate to find a right medication, so I can feel like myself again. I was feeling fine on Celexa for awhile, but now I am starting to go downhill again. Sometimes, I feel like I'm never going to get better. I lose hope sometimes. I am thankful that my family is supportive, but all I want is healing. True healing. I would love it if someone would respond. I need some support. It would be so nice to correspond with someone who is going through the same problems.
Thank You

April 6, 2000
From : Donya
E-mail : jdstark@mtnhome.com

I finally decided to give my name and e-mail address--how else can I receive help and/or encouragement, but I hope no one I know reads this for fear of regection or offending them.

I am 31 years old, a wife and mother of 6 children (2 in heaven after miscarriages in Dec. '97 & April '98). I gave birth 5 months ago to our second daughter who is a happy, bouncy baby. This week my doctor diagnosed me with postpartum depression and has given me Zoloft to take beginning at 25mg and increasing to 50mg in week 2. I have also been taking Micronor (a mini birth control pill which doesn't interfere with implantation if it occurs) and talked to my doctor about if it could be causing my symptoms of anger and depression but he doesn't seem to think it is related. If you have taken either of these medications I would be interested in hearing from you. I have an appointment to see my doctor again in 1 month to report how I am doing. I hope I see results soon.

I am so tired, easily irritated, negative and overwhelmed. I feel like a failure as a Christian wife and mother. My house is a mess--I see and know the things that need to be done byut I don't have the energy or motivation to take care of them. I yell at our children (ages 6,4,3, and 5 mos.) or am inattentive to them and as my husband says "retreat from the world." I want to be a supportive wife, train our children well, do fun things with them, volunteer at my son's kindergarten, have a neat house, get back in shape, etc. but I don't. I do the bare minimum--nurse the baby, change diapers, feed, bathe, dress children and go to bed.

My husband says I need to "stop sitting around feeling sorry for myself." I feel so isolated from him--he pours himself into his work. My only use to him seems to be for physical intimacy.

Our church believes "happiness is a choice" therefore I should choose not to be unhappy and self-centered. Our church also teaches that most illnesses are a result of spiritual problems in one's life so the church should be consulted instead of doctors and taking medications is looked down upon. I feel such judgement and condemnation there.

I know God loves me and accepts me and that His Grace is sufficient, but I feel like I am a discredit to His name. I thank God that He knows and sees all things, that I don't have to pretend "I am fine" with Him.

Thank you for this site, for listening and understanding. I would love for someone to hold me accountable to regular bible study, interacting well with my family, and an exercise program.

April 3, 2000

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again. Psalm 71:20-21

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalm 34:18

Sometimes I get tired of even the word "Christian" because I've been fed so much sugar-coated advice and hurt and betrayed by many christians. Circumstances many times are not understandable, and many prayers are answered in ways we do not understand and may not until we meet our Heavenly Father. Loneliness and pain are difficult burdens to bear. Prayer is a very powerful thing. The Lord's love for us is so powerful and unconditional, it takes a stretch of the human mind to fathom. Your pain may end tomorrow or it may last 40 years, but use that time to get closer to Him because He promises to sustain you and He will never fail you, even though life is extremely difficult. I realize christians are human too so may you also take comfort when in the midst of your pain, that God weeps with you, knowing the anguish you feel, for he truly experienced every kind of pain while living 33 years on earth. I've witnessed amazing answers to prayer and in times where I feel the burden is so great I don't know where turn, God sustains me, day by day.

April 2, 1999

Hello everyone!

What an absolute blessing to know this ministry exists to comfort and strengthen Christians, like myself, who battle depression!

I grew up in a Christian home, the fifth born, and the product of ministers on both sides of my family (Mom's & Dad's). Ours was a happy home, somewhat idyllic and there was always lots of love, friendship and prayer to go around. In my youth, I NEVER knew what it was to be depressed . . . Sure, there were times when disappointments and temporary "blues" came our way--but the word "depression" was foreign to us . . . We "thought" people who suffered "that" had some kind of spiritual weakness . . . they just needed a "deeper" walk with the Lord.

Well, what a surprise! About four years ago, I, as an adult, experienced a life-crisis that changed my entire perspective on depression. Amazing how things take on new meaning when it happens to you!

After living a wholesome--not perfect--but wholesome life . . . reading the Word, leading Bible studies, working in ministry, praying and doing what I believed to be all the "right" things, I experienced a circumstance that sent me reeling into deep, clinical depression. I couldn't believe it! How could such a happy, not to mention "spiritual" person suffer Major Depression!

It was a true relief to understand this condition was an "illness" with biological origins, just like diabetes, heart disease and other similar ailments. Upon learning this, I, honestly, still struggled with myself and faith, but eventually reached an understanding about this illness with its roots in physiology.

I struggle with this illness today and take medication to minimize my symptoms. I genuinely battle with depression daily and continue to trust God for healing and restoration. However, I must admit that this "challenge" allows me to view others, struggling with the issues of life,with much more compassion and understanding.

Again, thank you for this wonderful ministry opportunity. There is somehow comfort in knowing we are not alone and that God is yet with us. He promised to NEVER leave or forsake us and that He would be with us until the end of time.

What a comfort!
Blessings & Love to you all

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