May 31, 2001
From : Betty
E-mail : bettys@fulton-net.com

I feel like I have been depressed since birth but I know that is not true. I can remember the feelings that no one cared at age 7 and how they were magnified 1000 times by the time I was 17. I felt I was not worthy of anyone's love or friendship. The doctor began prescribing anti-depressants when I was in my early 20's. Some worked for a while and others had such side effects that I didn't take them. I would watch those I worked with as they smiled and laughed and wondered how they could always feel so good about everything. As a kid, I began to withdraw from the world. I can remember being a little bratty but as I became older I just quit talking and kept everything inside.

Just before my 39th birthday all that was inside became too much and I had a break down. I went to see the doctor and he told me I would have to see a psychiatrist or go into the StressCenter. Something seemed to die inside of me and I felt totally numb. Later when I put my kids to bed I didn't tell them "Good Night", I told them "Good Bye". I went downstairs and straight to the kitchen and counted out pills as I took them until there were no more to take. Later my husband realized something was wrong and kept me moving all night until it started to wear off. I thank the Lord that there were no more pills than there were and that my husband knew me well enough to know something was not right. The next day I went into the StressCenter for a 3 1/2 week stay. I learned then that I was a pretty nice person and that I could tease and joke around and feel better about myself.

It took many years before I started to think in terms of feelings. Feeling words are still not much a part of my vocabulary. It didn't bother me too much when my mother passed away, we had never been close. It was much different when my dad passed away. He had become such a tyrant that it was a relief to know he was finally at peace. But I was not at peace. A few months later, came another overdose and another hospital stay but only for a week then. With the stress of my daughter's upcoming wedding, I ended up back in the hospital and then again for a medication change.

I have now vowed I will not allow myself to get to that point ever again. It has been a long road to find out who I was and that I could be myself. Even though I will probably always wear the mask worn by so many depressed people I am now the teasing, joking, friendly person I prefer to be. If I ever learn to not be late for everything then life will really be good.

Psalm 27 has been my mainstay. Verse 1--The Lord is my light and my salvation--Whom shall I fear?

May 23, 2001
E-mail : PodsterUK2001@hotmail.com

Well its lasted for about 3 years now. Everytime I look in the mirror, I think to myself, "IM SO UGLY" and "IM NEVER GOING TO GET A GIRLFRIEND". Every time I see a couple walking down the street I think to myself "THATS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN". It all started off when I noticed I was fat. Well, im not that fat, im sort of in the middle. At least two times a week I cry myself to sleep. I havent told my parents that I feel so low about myself, I dont think I ever will. To tell you the truth, I think my family has something to do with it. My two brothers dont help either, when I was younger they used to call me fatty or big belly for a laugh, but on the inside it used to hurt me so much. Also when ever I got angry I never let it go, I always keep it locked up inside me, I never fight back. I have heard that thats bad for you also. I have never had a good life. Im 15 now and have never had a girlfriend, which doesnt help also. If somebody wants to E-mail me, I posted my email adress. Thank you

May 22, 2001
E-mail : smiley47poet@carolina.rr.com

This is an update to my last story. Since I wrote the other story my depression at least has eased off from time to time. I have received several emails which really do help. I know that everyone today have problems and mine are no way unique. Just sometimes one has to reach out for some moral support to help one through the rough times. As for my weight I have tried to cut down on the amounts of what I eat. It works for a while then I get so irritable that not even me can live with myself. I went to a dietician several times but I do not have the time to sit and count calories or how much of this or that the foods that I eat contain. I just eat what I want to, in moderate portions and take my insulin and medication. I rarely check my blood sugars as when it runs high I get mad at myself. I can tell if my sugars are high if I start visiting the bathroom more and more. I seem to blame the world for my diabetes because I did not ask for it and I refuse to eat as I am suppose to. I have always loved eating and find it hard to cut down. It was hard for me to accept it when I first found out that I had diabetes about ten or so years ago. I remember when I was in the hospital for diabetes education and learning how to give myself insulin that when the nurse told us about how we had to really watch what we ate I started to cry and got really upset. Another thing is that for years now food to me is like alcohol is to an alcoholic I eat whenever I get happy, sad, bored. or when i have nothing else to do.

You add all of this to everything else and at times I feel that it is too much to bear. But somehow I do keep on struggling along. I wrote the first story at a time that I was really feeling sorry for myself. My wife is a great inspiration to me as I donot think I could handle life after having a stroke as she has. I remember when about 7 minths after she had her stroke and she could not do very much for herself yet. On a Friday night as I was passing by the speedway a drunk on a bicycle came across the road right in front of me and I had no time to avoid him. he died about 13 hours later. That about did me in. When I got home that night and after telling my wife why I was so late and as I laid in bed next to her crying she reached across herself and laid her good hand on my arm trying to comfort me. We have been in a common law relationship for about thirty years now. She was married to a Seminole indian who married her, got her pregnant and then left without a trace. At times I wished I could give her the divorce as a present so that we could make our relationship legal, but then again I donot know of any piece of paper that I could hold in my hand that would cause me to love her more than I already do. It was very hard on me when she had her/our stroke. She is the only woman that I have ever been with. My cousin, deceased now. introduced me to her. It scares me to think that this stroke may someday take her from me.

Well, I will stop now before this turns into a book. If anyone wishes to read any of my poems go to. www.poets2000.com/poetryatitsbest and check the few out that I have on line. I will be adding more all of the time. I find that I can escape the real world while writing poems.

God Bless to all of You

May 15, 2001
From : mrbeekelbopper
E-mail : mrbeekelbopper@hotmail.com

one day i ran throughout my mind, searching for a door that would let me out of this "chamber" if you will. i searched, and i cried to the depths of my insanity, there was no way on earth i could release the chaotic violater that tortured my mind as if it was a girl being raped to the soul. i would hold a pillow to my face and moan, and groan, and scream in the terror that i was not dreaming. repeat, i was not dreaming. my dilemna being the fact that i knew something that had to be told or my soul would be damned for all eternity, yet telling those i needed to would deystroy their lives, and their fate would be in my hands. how could i handle this? to kill myself was the easiest solution for myself, but it would almost torture my family as much as if i just told them what i needed. i was no longer falling down the depths of the spiral but had hit the bottom. my mind tried to defend itself by supressing the thoughts through throwing my conciousness into a fantasy. i would sit in classrooms, and would not be concious of anyone around me. i would laugh in the middle of class, because these fantasies that i could not control thinking of were taking over my mind. i was no longer in your parallel. so one day i bought a gun, but they locked me up in this padded room, begging for the simple statement i should tell them. but it just isn't that simple. no one will know until they experienced what i have, and that's why the birdie lies in the clock, it hides in time, it hates this force that pushes it, and pushes it until every 12 hours it can no longer handle it, and "shoots" out. shoots. that's what they should have done to me...

May 15, 2001
From : Pat F.

Hi. I'm so glad this Web site is here! It is encouraging, knowing there are others who suffer with depression.

I have suffered on and off with depression since late 1990. It began with a dysfunctional relationship with a Messianic Jewish congregation I was in. I got involved with them in mid-1989 it was something I'd wanted to be in for almost ten years. At the time, I was commuting back and forth between my hometown and the congregation (I'd gotten involved in the music ministry, so there were weekly rehearsals and such.). But it got to be too much, so the leader persuaded me to move, in order to be closer to everyone. So I did. And things went fairly well for awhile.

But within two months of my arrival, things began going wrong. Founding members began leaving--but no one wanted to believe something was wrong. I started feeling badly--for what reason I don't know even now. I started withdrawing I also got fairly close to the leader, and began sharing things about my life that I wouldn't talk about with anyone else. Little did I know: that information would be used against me in a short time. In late December 1990, I invited the leader and his family over for dinner and just to chat. Well, the evening ended badly: he decided to drop me from the music group! (For my own good, he said.) I was shocked, of course. I went along with it at first--but then I got very angry! I tried confronting him at the next service, but broke down instead and fled the building.

I really feel he used the information I'd told him in confidence against me. I never knew the "real reason' why he dropped me, until after several months in counseling with another pastor. When I found out the actual reason, I was stunned! I felt really betrayed. Since then, I've been unable to trust any minister/congregation leader--in short, the church as a whole! It's the one place one should feel "safe"--but instead I found out how "unsafe" it can be, too.

I floundered around for nearly three years--never feeling like I belonged anywhere. I started getting involved with interests outside the church--especially an interest in history, and specifically a new interest in the Civil War. Things went well for a while. Then I met a man over the Internet (via a Christian reenactors' message board). We finally met after several months, and found we liked each other.

Time went on, and we exchanged emails--and then went to phone calls. We found out we had many things in common, and started feeling closer to each other. There was a catch, however: the man in question has a family. We couldn't keep the friendship a secret for long-and we were eventually "found out". We didn't do anything wrong it was more an emotional closeness than a "physical" one. But when this man decided to "back off", I was thrown back into depression--and it's still with me to this day.

As far as relating to God goes: that hasn't gone well. I feel more far away from Him, and scared of Him, too. Let's say that we're not on the closest of terms these days. I haven't picked up a Bible in ages--not to mention darkened the doors of any church. The thought of even going to church fills me with anxiety! How can I face a group of "happy, huggy" people, when I feel like such dirt inside?!? In my darker moments, I feel God can't stand the sight of me--which makes me even more depressed.

Forgive me for going on like this. I'm neither looking for sympathy nor advice here. I just want to share my story. Thank you so much for your Web site! It is good to know that one is not alone--even though I wonder if there's any hope for me.

Thanks.

May 14, 2001
From : Erin

I hope to be an encouragement to anyone going through depression.I have not been depressed for about 2 years now.There are days when I feel down but they dont last long.I dont need to tell you what it was like when I was depressed because anyone that has been there or is there knows.I had alot of support and God used alot of people in my life to get me through.I can thank God now that I went through it because it made me a much stronger person,and it made me aware of my need for the lord.I take medication everyday but I did alot of work also.It is a constant renewal of your mind you cannot allow the negative thoughts a foothold in your life,it is going against how you feel inside and being obedient to scripture,it is hard at first,it took me years to program my mind the way it was and it will take years to reprogram it with Gods truth.Hang in there.Stay in Gods word.Some books that helped me:(Battlefield of the mind)BY,Joyce Meyer,Managing your Emotions instead of your Emotions managing you,By Joyce Meyer,several others that she wrote are awesome,you can find them at your christian bookstore.

May 9, 2001
From : Lisa

I hate depression!

May 6, 2001
From : Terry
E-mail : Idahoker@Hotmail.com

I wrote back in Sept, 2000 about my battle with depression. Here is an update. I’m convinced that my depression is based in body, mind and spirit. I had to fix them all pretty close to the same time, or the others got sick again. The drugs I took for a while gave me a chance to rise above the muck long enough to start working on the physical - watching what/when/how much I ate, getting exercise. But that wasn’t enough. I began to work on my mental attitude - primarily “self talk.” I had to make a decision to reject the negative, self-condemnation and eventually look to the positive side of things. I’m much better at that now.

But I was still lacking. All my problems and things which pushed me to depression were still there, pounding away at me, threatening to push me back to depression again. I have recently decided to turn again to putting my trust in Christ, being more honest about my relationship with Him. What am I going to do about what I say or think I believe? As I began this, I could feel things shift.

So let me encourage you to consider all 3 aspects of your being and take bold actions to do something about it. Christ has an answer for us and all our problems, including depression. Go to Him and there you will find VICTORY! It won’t be easy, you can be sure. But NEVER give up!!! He is faithful and is pushing us to maturity.

God Bless

May 3, 2001
E-mail : smiley47poet@carolina.rr.com

I am 53 years old and overweight(300lbs.) I have diabetes and on unsulin. I have had a hard time staying on a diet and am constantly gaining weight. I also have high blood pressure. MY blood sugars are consistantly running too high.

I use a CPAP machine when I sleep to help me breathe better. I have been in a common law relationship for 30 years now and together have raised 5 kids. They are all grown now. In 1997 one of our twins was killed in an auto accident. Her twin sister is borderline MR and lives at home. She is 29 now. 2 1/2 years ago my wife had a major stroke and was left paralyzed on her right side. ayear later she had another mini stroke and it left her incontinent. I live with my wife, who had a stroke and my daughter, who has the mentality and moods of a 16 year old.

We also have two living young men now. One is gay and the other one is trying to get his life under control. If I take one minute for myself to relax I get hollered at. I am constantly messing up when I figure out the bills. I am a security officer and my job is sitting in this room and watching monitors. I get very little if any because of my job and everything else I have to do. I have had surgery on both knees and I can't walk very much at one time. I have been on Prozac and have just started taking Wellbutrin, been in it only about a week now. Another problem is sex. As much as I like it, I have not had any ow for over 4 years as after our son died my wife was depressed and then she had the stroke. I have always been a big eater and eating is my release. As much as I really do not want to suicide is constantly on my mind. Sometimes it seems the only way I can get away from all of the stress that I am enduring.

One hobby I have is that I write poetry. I have written about 500 poems and it seems I cannot even get in the mood to write anymore. All that seems to be on my mind is sex and suicide. i do not know where to turn. If I don't do something soon my weight and diabetes is going to kill me. So I guess suicide will just let me know when I will die. I do not know when my weight will kill me.

I guess I am reaching out for help if it is not too late.

 

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