Read What Others Have Shared
(June 2001)

June 30, 2001
From : Stormy Coudy Days, From A Broken Heart!
E-mail : Glitterxdreams@aol.com

Hello, its me again.. I love this site! Im writing this to all those who relates on what I go threw and I want everyone to know, that there not alone!!! Well, I start off with some bad news* Just recently I found out that my b/f that I have been with for 5yrs, is now writting emails to his ex girlfriend, talking about seeing eacthother etc.. I been walking around with a knife in my heart dont know how to release it. :*o( Im so hurt Im feel as thou im crying bloody tears. I been so hurt haven't left this relationship because, I dont have strength at all, I feel as thou I wont make at all with out him, I have a baby and it would be super hard trying to make it in this world! as it is.. I need him because he helps with bills and I couldnt make on my own for so many other reasons. It killig me!! I want you to all know that have a a husband or B/f, you might that he is perfect!! Since he didn't do drugs or any other thing then come home from working hard, but ! dont be fool!!!! In my belief all man are not the goody person you think, I been with him this long, nothing in my mind tells me he would done this! Im so hurt I got to live with it and him* My life is now like a black cloud over me and i keep receiving these sad black cloud after another and here im trying to find some sun and a rainbow to follow, but instead the stormy black clouds overcome me and makes me feel as thou this sad rainy tears well never stop pouring!! I ask God why? If im been faithful? Still waiting on reply, believing that he will answer me, keeping my faith strong. Im so hurt right now i can even swallow, my heart been stab by the man I love. I confronted him after his ex girlfried instant message me teling me about his emails as weird as it sounds she told me! I guess she was wanting me to fight with him and leave him so She can takeover. Well, I told him he never answered any questions, I wonder why? anyone knows why would man be so cold hearted? He told m! e that he wasn't shore if he loved me anymore etc, and I ask him if he love her he said he had feelings, If you only knew how that broke my empty heart! He being sweet now lately to cover up but im to smart to let him over come me. What does a christian women do? I feels as thou I need to get him back, but my heart that God gave me tells me no that he is in control, the lord upabove will handle it. So, I will leave it to him.. Im planning on leaving my b/f but, I have lost so much in my life my mother death etc that I would die if Im alone again. Lately, I been having my panics attacks and axienty. I hope that all who read this will pray for me! Again, im in this stormy clouds. Pray for me to get rid my storm and either find me a Good man of GOd or or the man I have will change and marry me someday since we are not after 5yrs, that hurts me everyday!! Well love you all who feels the same. My God Bless you and you will always be in my prayers..... P>S If you like to read more a! bout my life look for me in this site.. :o) ***God Bless***

June 19, 2001

I am feeling so down, I call it my pit.
I am not always in this pit, there are usually a few triggers that set me off to get in this pit.
Mostly it is my children.
I have twin daughters who are 22. They are identical beauties and have always been a blessing to us up until the time they began choosing bad boy friends. We sacrificed to send them to good Christian schools, they were always active in youth group and church services.
They have chosen such bad boys from the pit of hell that I cannot lift my head I am in such despair.
I cannot understand how this happened to us and to our loving family. I now it is their own free will..and that they are convicted. But still, leading the walk on the fence life.
One of them just had a baby. She lives with us. Sperm donor is still in her life and he has many problems.
I do not know how to go on. I know this problem is now with her for the rest of her life.
In someway she will always be connected to this horrible person.
The other twin has a boyfriend worse than sperm donor.
She does not live with us but in another state.
How can I get out of this pit
God in His infinite grace DOES meet my needs.
Not now, not today while I am still in despair.
I want to run away,
I wish I never had these kids.
I did the best I knew how to do and I received stellar compliments for both my husband and I who I dearly love.
Our marriage is strong and has always been loving.
He is my one in a million.
But my beautiful daughters choose garbage for themselves.
Sometimes I do not want to live.

June 18, 2001
From : Woody
E-mail : woodywagen@att.net

Hi, Woody, here. I kind of feel in the minority here. I get the feeling most of you nice folks are of the female persuasion:) But we do share two things in common: the battle with Depression and the knowledge that we can only win that battle with God's help!

I first became aware of my depression during adolescence. From what I've pieced together from stories and familiy memebers I was always a solitary child. But, when my teen years hit so did my depression. With hormones raging I struggled through my teen years. I often felt severe depression and once thougt of suicide. But even though I wasn't aware of it then, God intervened (through a Christian cousin) and I'm still here. But I continued to fight the big "D".

My dad was a macho kind of guy. The three letter sports star in high school. He didnt understand my "moodiness". He saw it as a weakness. That really didn't help much:( So, I carried this misconception with me into adulthood: Depression is a weakness. If you can't just get over it and move on then you are weak. It took a long time and a the love of a Great God and a good woman to help me understand that misconception.

By the time I had reached college I had given up on God. I had given my life to Him when I was 13 but my oppresive depression and lack of sensitivity from others left me feeling empty. Satan can use many things, including depression, to steer us away from God ( we just need to let God drive I guess:) In college I met a beautiful young woman. We began dating ( it took me a month to get up the nerve to kiss her - I was afraid of letting someone see the real me - the depressed me). Well, after I did kiss her things took off. We eventually married and have a handsome son (now 17). Though, we have had some rough times - my depression stints didnt help - we have made it through 19 years together.

I has been rough being a Christian man with depression. A Christian man should be a leader, should be strong, should never waiver. Yeepers! That's a heavy load for anyone to carry let alone someone with depression. It was only when I neared 40 that I actually began facing my depression.

My bouts of severe depression increased. Some days I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't sleep. I left my friends behind ( I knew they wouldn't understand - actually I was just too ashamed to face them) I finally sought help from my family doctor. He suggested seeing a psychiatrist. I did for about 18 months. We didn't accomplish much and I finally gave up. It was mostly my fault though. I just wasn't ready to admit my problems and certainly not ready to tell some stranger about them. One thing the therapist did tell me was that as severe as my depression was for me to make it through each day was evidence of some inner strength. I was glad to hear that but I took me a while to realize it was not my inner strength but that of God working in me:)

In the fall of 2000 I had what I guess people used to call a "nervous breakdown". I was working as a retail store manager. Over a period of months my depression became overwhelimg. I got increasingly frustrated and angry. I became verbally abusive to others and at times my family. One day after an arguement with my supervisor I quit. I was afraid if I didnt I would hurt someone. So I retired to my home and began trying to develop a career as a freelance writer and artist. Its been tough going ( thank God my wife has a good job that she loves - teaching Special Ed kids) but God has begun using me in ways I had not ever thought possible.

Just recently God showed me in a big way that I need to be in constant communication with Him on every little thing. We live pay check to pay check. We dont have any extra money to through away. We had saved up enough to get my 17 year old son a car. Most men see themselves as real wheeler dealers when it comes to car buying and I'm no exception. I wa going to take my time and research this and get him a good safe dependable car that was affordable and reliable. Yeah, right. I found a car, without God's help or consulting Him in anyway, online at eBay. It looked great, sounded great. I called the seller to ask about the car and he reassured me it was a good car that would last a long time. Yeah, right. $3500 later we have a 1989 Money Pit Deluxe in our driveway. It does run but thats about it. I consulted a mecahnic and body work guy and it would take another 2 or 3 thousand to get it right. Thank you God!

This incident really brought home to me that we can't do anything without God's help. And you think at 44 I would have learned that by now. Well, good thing is we are never to old to learn and God sure will teach us if we let him:)Ive been reading Job again (when I get low I kind of identify with poor old Job. Read through it again and let God open your heart up to the message therein. If nothing else it'll make you feel better knowing that someboy is in worse shape than you are:)

Anyway, that's me so far. There's a lot in between these brief tales but thats it in a nutshell.Each day is still a struggle but thank the Lord my GP found a good course of meds (after much trial and error). And its like I tell my wife I'm a "closet optimist" - I really do want to feel good about things its just hard to do. But thank God He has the key to that door.

Oh, I did want to say I just found this sight and it really is great. God Bless you all.
Woody

June 16, 2001
From : Hopeinsight
E-mail : hopeinsight@yahoo.com

(Note: This is a re-print from a message I posted on the new message board)

Well, here I am... "Hopeinsight" feeling like one gigantic hypocrite. The reason I feel like such a failure is because I do not always feel hopeful. Right now I feel more like 'No Hopeinsight'. When I started this web site 3 years ago I was a 'functional' person with the illness of Depression. Since that time I have had problems with my medication and more recently I quit my job 9 months ago in order to put all of my time & energy into going back to my doctor and starting the 'trials & errors' of new medications.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to function during all these months. My doctor has put me on several different medications but either due to unbearable side effects or just plain not achieving any benefit I am still in a very bad place.

The reason I haven't included this information on my site before now is because I don't want to discourage anyone who is just realizing or is newly diagnosed as having Depression.

From what I understand, my doctor tells me that I am an exception to the rule... I am "treatment resistant". To a person with severe Clinical Depression this is not very encouraging. But through the strength of Jesus I am still here.

When I say that I've been unable to function I mean that I am not able to get dressed and go about my day to day life like I used to . I am not able to do ANYTHING. Anything except pray. I know that praying is a good thing, but when this goes on for months & months I get so discouraged that I don't want to live anymore.

Three weeks ago I started a new medication and it caused a dramatic improvement almost immediately. I was so thrilled to be able to wake up and not have that suffocating feeling of dread and doom crushing down on me from the moment I opened my eyes. I went from months of doing absolutely nothing to feeling like a person who had risen from the dead!

Immediately I started behaving as if I were a new person. It was such a BLESSING! I literally did more in 2 weeks than I had done in an entire year. But then something changed. I don't know why, but all the bad feelings have gradually taken over again. Maybe (I pray) that it is just because I was trying to do too much too soon. I'm trying to think positive, but to those of you who have Depression you'll know what I mean when I say that I am feeling so scared that I am NEVER going to get better.

I am crying as I try to type this. I just want everyone to know that I don't claim to be the expert on Depression who has a handle on it all. I don't care if people think of me as a big fake because of what I've written in this web site. But I DO care if because of my own personal struggles with Depression that I end up discouraging someone else from seeking help.

MOST people with Depression respond to medication WITHOUT all of the problems that I've gone through. But I wanted to 'confess' my failures in case there are others like me who are 'treatment resistant'.

I DO NOT blame God for what I'm going through. I KNOW that throughout my trials with Depression that my faith has become stronger and more important in my life. I feel bad when other Christians don't understand that I have an ILLNESS. But for now I can only pray that this will change.

I'm sorry if I have let anyone down because I am not the HOPEINSIGT that they were looking for. I never intended to be admired or praised for this site. Anyone who has received encouragement from this web site has received it 100% from GOD.. not me.

I guess I've said enough for now. I have to take one thing back that I said. When I've been unable to function or do anything God has given me the strength to stay with this web site and to continue to post the stories that people send in about their own experience with Depression. For that I will be forever thankful.

June 15, 2001
From : Appearing Into the Light
E-mail : Glitterxdreams@aol.com

Hello, Here Im Again! I had Wrote a letter Before of the name:Vanishing* A very sad letter.. I'm here to tell you a little story to all the hopeless sadiest people in the world. Before you read this letter search for me and read my sad letter beacuse, this letter is a happy ending story that God has answer some my prayers. After that day I wrote the last letter here in this site, I felt horrible that day. That next day I got in my knees and prayed to the Lord asking him to help me, to make me see what I have and help me with my sadness. A week after I visited an old friend who she lives very poorly and it made me reliazed all the things I have, She had no family same as me but worse! She had no father for her two babies!> and all alone with hardly no food etc.. I was in shock thinking she is worse then I'm< My tears fell. I was thinking "Lord" here im so un->greatful!! I was thought that I worse the worse case in the world and I notice that this person is worse th! em me!? In her living situation and her life* Well, After that happened, I reliezed that I had lots things to be greatful for. I had looked only towards the negative and not looking on what God's given mE! I think now that Im so blessed. I had mention that I had a man who puts me down, well something came over me! And I had asked him why are you aways putting me down? > He looked at me and said this is how I know how to try to get you better by saying these negative things to you, then he said by doing the oppsite. Then he gave me a compliment :o). What I saying is here is an example how God's powers work and what he done for me! He has showed me a new way to walk and I got to follow his pass** I think to myself why is my mother gone? And now suddenly this peace feeling comes over me and in my mind and thinks> she's in a better place* As if God is telling me I took her away to the heavens from this awful world, so now it brings me a smile. I want you to know and to all who feels like the world has ended, when u feel as thou ur dieing and can walk nomore---> Pray! Lord is so powerful, that u will see everything change before your eyes.. Im Thanking him now and hoping he will make things keep getting better for me and people in need. I pray for hope to others to never give up! Nomatter how high that mountain my seem>> God has the power to rise u to the top of the heavens! Above all evil! So, don't let the devil overcome your wonderful soul that God has gave you! Give to Him the LOrd above to carry your soul through this sining world and lead your sprit to him someday in HEAVEN! Love to all my brother and sisters in need. Im here if anyone needs someone to talk to. Thank You, For your prayers and letters I recieved :o)Your prayers has healed a part my vanishing soul. Keep Praying for me as I know I will for you....... LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!!! Untill The day -->"Heavens Glows" :o)

June 14, 2001
E-mail : france@htcomp.net

I have gone thru a really rough time lately and was doing alot of dangerous things trying to die and make it be an accident but last week on my birthday God put some friends of mine in the way to save my life. They had me put in the hospital. I was really mad at them and thought it was unfair and all that but I see now they did it in love. Please if you are going thru hard times tell someone. You are important! You can write to me I don't promise to make it all go away but I am a good listener. God loves you! hang in there. Depression is rough I know I've had it for years and have been in and out of the hospital many times so I know. I have been in the pit before and not too long ago. I want to encourage you to keep on keeping on and find someone to talk to about all this stuff that is very important because isolating yourself only makes the depression stronger. I know I have been there and will probably return there again someday but God always is there and he is crying with you.

June 10, 2001
From : cloud

I feel as if I am trapped in a dismal day that never seems to end. Getting dressed and combing my hair is filled with drugery and difficulty. My family members don't know how to react to me so they avoid me which makes my deppression that more depressing. I want them all to just hold me until the pain disolves but reality tells me that it will still be there when they let me go. I feel trapped in a cell with a person that I don't really know, like or can figure out.

Despite the pain, gloom, and uncertainty, my 2 year old daughter shed's hope into my world. Her smile, and her laughter saves me. If I didn't have a diaper to change, a snack to prepare, a belly to tickle or a story to read I believe I would cease to exsist. She's my God send.

June 8, 2001
From : Vanishing~
E-mail : GlitterxDreams@aol.com

I don't really know how to start. I guess i start from my past childhood. Everything in my life has changed the day I turned 16, let me rewind. The day my mother passed away on my birthday, was the day I lost who the person I was. Ever since that day my life been like a deep shadow cloud overcoming my dreams and my steps to my future. The person who I once was had vanished deeply in my soul. The person who useto live to dream, now im became the person who's living to just to live life. I useto love life, now i hate it! Everyday, for me is like a obstacle trying to overcome my deepest sadness and memories that hides beneath my flash overcoming me with all negative from my past. I'd aways useto say I never let anything bring me down, but that all changed when I met my b/f, so happly together almost 5yrs but between those 5yrs, i didnt but notice that I had someone in my life who brings me down, he been with me still is for 5yrs with this men no ring, it hunts me every! day, Now i have a child love him, but given up even more because, the dream little dream that I was holding on to is gone, I've turned into a mother, meaning my life now comitted to be 100% mother 24/7 leaving me to think, that I will never be who I wanted to be, the singer, the actress, etc.. Im a mother, I feel like im 47 when im only 21. I keep myself lock away from life* I wonder is there anyone as sad as me, i say to myself everyday no** because, i cant drive, i cant finish my school, im turning into on control eating disorder women, I feel to negative about myself everyday on top that i got a man who PUTS ME DOWN! I lost my mother no daddy, no familY!, no freinds, Im all alone. With this cloud overcoming me, sometimes i say i want to go back with my mother and want to die, but then i know that God wouldn't want me to. So what do I do? do i let myself drown since noone hears my cries?? I guess so, my life over, I tired to get better, but nothing! I know that there noone f! eeling sadder then ME right now. Only God knows. I dont laugh anymore, im not me, I dont even know who this person who killing me sowly, God Knows I ask to save my life, but he hasn't help me, maybe he has help me I just dont see it, I wish I could so I can at least have some point direction, and for all those 21yrs olds etc thinking that ur life is sad~> U should be happy!!!! U not in my life.... If someone reads this letter, AT least ur not me.... I want be normal again why as God took the brightness away from me, what have I done! I believe in him but i guest he doesnt believe in me, I wouldnt blame him. He help me, but now im stuck i wonder if he has given up on me? O, well I just want to see the light again. Be who i use to be fix myself, travel, be a singer! I guess to late im a mother.. Im now 47yrs old with a man who's aways putting me DOWN! Saying soo easy to run away from my dark cloud. YEAH I wish I can believe that! I want to be free and be mE! I want to be the girl I was. I look at the sun and the children outside laughing everyone enjoying themself and im here in my room with my drapes half open looking out wishing that i can run outside and enjoy and play! But I look at the bright blue sky, thinking Im in the beach, lol, I aways lived fantasy world, I guess that part will soon vinish to, I guess i have a depression virus that keeps wanting to kill me, I guess i let do it's job, I have nothing live for but my son, which he stay with his dad because, he doesn't need a mother like ME! I hope someday someone will ask God for me if he will help or ask him if he mad at me. I very greatful what I have, I just can enjoy it! :( Everyone is a has let me down! I guess I finished with some of my virus story, I going back to my bed to cry myself to sleep...... LOve To All wHO Feels Sadness God Bless!!!!!!

June 8, 2001
From : Amanda

I am a Christian. and i am in love. i knew casey for a year before we met in person, 3 days ago. this has been the happiest 3 days of my life. it could not have gone better. he knows and is proud of my vow of abstinence until marraige. but still, we were able to express our love for each other without betraying my promise. that is why we were so happy. this morning i had to say goodbye to him. i won't see him again for 3 years. he has a government job and has to travel to the other side of the world. i know that it was only this morning that i saw him last, but i became depressed the moment his truck drove out of view. all i can do now is look for distractions to keep my mind off of this lonliness and look to God for guidance and comfort. i know that only with His love can i make it for this long period of time until i can be happy again like i was a couple of days ago. pray for me.

June 7, 2001
From : Cyndi
E-mail : cyndibrock@msn.com

I suffer from chronic depression with severe episodes. After ten years of management and medication, what that diagnonsense actually means to me is that I'm sad a good portion of the time, and then there are the severe dips into the abyss. I remember as young as four years old, and sitting in my closet, hiding from everyone, feeling guilty about every happiness I ever felt. I have managed to stay functional since I was first diagnosed ten years ago and have been off and on medication since that time. I pretend A LOT. You know, fake it until you feel it. But I never can get it out of my head, or it not be a consious thought. It is like a parasite living off my soul, and no matter how I tried, I can not rid myself of it.

The depression overwhelms me in waves. I wake up and I feel very motivated. I pray for strength and guidance in the coming day. I ask forgiveness of any unkind acts or slights I may have inflicted on anyone. I ask for the power to forgive myself. Then, suddenly at times, by lunch I'm in such a low place that I have to fight the urge to drive my car off the road, or go to my old haunts where I know people who would give me cocaine and let me escape into numbness. Everyday is a battle. Sometimes I am victorious, somedays I squeek by by the skin of my teeth.

People who haven't suffered with depression often say they understand, but I know they don't when the words come out of thier mouth, "Just snap out of it!" Sarcasm has become a useful tool in handleing this disease, so I usually answer, "Oh, you're so right, I really shouldn't have decided to be depressed from the minute I opened my eyes this morning. What was I thinking? I really shouldn't feel crappy everyday! How unhealthy of me!" Most people are clueless. The only way to explain it is it feels as though you have just broken up with the love of your life, and that physical feeling that someone has scooped out your guts, and tore your heart from your chest. But you feel it ALL THE TIME. Not just a few days, not for a couple of weeks. Imagine it going on for YEARS.

Before I was medicated, I cried about everything. I reacted in a bizarre manner when I was rejected in any way. I remember my father becoming so angry and always, always telling me to quit crying, which only made me cry more. I know now he was only angry at himself for not being able to "fix" whatever was wrong. I was punished for my emotional outbursts. I have always felt I didn't have the right to express my feelings, my knowledge, my strengths, and I have many, even though I doubted it until just the past few years. Just last year, I went through a program called The Journey Seminars through the South MacArthur Church of Christ in Irving, TX. It lasts through a four month time frame, one weekend per month. It helped me forgive myself. It made me aware of my relationship with God, and that he has always been there for me. I was the one who abandoned him. And I did so because I believed in a man's interpretation of God instead of learning it for myself. I, too was a lemming. I can have a relationship with God, and it doesn't have to involve the dogma of any organized religion. I came to other realizations through this period I would like to share.

I am a believer in God, and that He sent is Son, Jesus, so that we could ask forgiveness of our sins and live in His light. I also believe the Bible is written by men inspired by God. I also know that men put the Bible together. Men in power, as Emperor Constintine. I believe they used it to the benefit of their rule and power they could weild over people. It is so easy to follow, it is much more difficult to establish your own beliefs. I believe many things were left out of the Bible, because these "men of God" felt the majority of people couldn't grasp the true meaning behind the words written. So they have keep them in secret places or had them distroyed. The Dead Sea Scrolls are an example. They were found in the 1940's but are still not fully disclosed because of their content. Believe in the God in your heart, not one a minister or preacher or elders want you to believe in. Their are huge issues of control when religion is in play, so save yourselves and sta! y true to The Word. Listen, but question. It is impossible that anyone person alive knows everything about God and matters of spirit and soul. God is the only being to know that, and to pretend there are greater souls than ourselves, people who have put themselves on pedistals as many theologians do, and deem themselves as so above the world. We are all of the world, we are all of God, we are all humans. We are all prone to diception, lust, wealth, and any of the other trappings that give only temporary pleasure. I feel true happiness so seldom, that it is a very precious thing. Once I forgave myself for wasting my wreched past life, I knew God would forgive me. I live with the relief that brings daily. It doesn't mean I'm not depressed. I do have days of amazing clairity.

This may all seem a jumble of nothing but the ramblings of a psychotic person, but I am, I accept that, and I also accept that Our Lord let me live through all the bad stuff, and I am here for a purpose, I just haven't come to the full realization of it. I push myself harder sometimes to just make it through the day, but having God in my life has improved the quality immensely. No one has to face this alone. I wish I could give you an answer to that you wouldn't have to experience it at all, but I'm not God, you see. I'm only one of His instruments. And just like they tell you in rehab (been there too), God never gives you anything greater than you can handle. It doesn't always feel like that, but I believe it to be true.

I would appreciate any feedback. I'm a writer, and everyone's feelings and experiences are of an interest to me. May the Father be with you all!
In Christ,
Cyndi

June 6, 2001

At this time I don't want to tell my story - yet. But I would like to share something I wrote as God was bringing me out of that darkness. . .

I have this book that was given as a gift to me by my daughter for my 47th birthday. A beautiful journal book entitled "Moments". I have wanted to write some of my thoughts in that book but I'm waiting for a thought worthy of the 'specialness' of that book. . . I'm afraid if I wait for that 'profound thought', that 'insightful revelation' that 'unthought of thought' that book will remain untouched by this pen.

So - for now - until I gain the courage to mark that book with my ordinary, every day musings I will write in this binder on ordinary looseleaf paper. After all - if I make a mistake or I don't like the 'look' of the page I can just rip it out! And no one will know. It will appear as if a mistake was never made.

On the other hand, if I were to write in that 'special' book . . .and if I made a mistake or changed my mind on the way I wrote something I could not just rip out the page. It would be noticeable. It might wreck the whole book. If one page were torn out the whole book may fall apart . . . page by page. If it didn't fall apart anyone reading it would wonder 'what was on that ripped out page?' or people would comment 'good book . . . except for that 'torn out page'.

No matter how 'good' the content of that book the one flaw, or two, or three, would be noticeable. Maybe even emphasized, by some.

But then there are those who would sympathize with, "Everyone makes mistakes" and in their minds they add "even YOU" And they walk away feeling a little better about themselves - because of your mistake.

Have you ever noticed that many people are remembered by their mistakes? (their sins) Peter, for example . . . known as the one who denied Christ. Three times in one night!! The third time he even cursed and said he did not know Christ. . . and then the cock crowed. What did Peter do? He went out and 'wept bitterly'. He repented.

Do we remember him because of his repentant heart? Not most of us. Most of us remember him denying Christ.

After I wrote this and then read it I realized what I was saying. God showed me that I didn't allow myself to 'make mistakes' or to 'sin'. He has revealed to me that Jesus died on the cross for my past sins, my present sins and my future sins. I seem to have thought that christians don't sin. (At least not Big Sins) What are Big sins? What are little sins? Which sins are covered and which are not? God's word says ALL Sins. If we repent He is faithful and just to forgive us! I also was very aware of 'what people think'. Depression has been a growing experience for me. A painful growing experience. But through it I have found the 'grace of God' and even in the darkest moments when I thought He had left me He kept reminding me that He will never leave me or forsake me. Even if I can't 'feel' Him near His promise to me is that He is here. In the midst of the darkness it was hard to believe that I would come through this . . . but I have. When you lose HOPE of a future you need others to hold you up and 'pray you through'. Many times all I could pray was "Oh God!" But He heard me. He saw the tears. He saw my heart. I can relate totally with the medication phobia. I had always thought, until I went through this, that I or anyone should be able to just 'snap out of it', 'Praise the Lord' 'think on good things' . . . and the list goes on. But now I have compassion on those who find themselves in that dark state. I will never be the 'same person' that I was 'Before'. But God is a God of Restoration and He tells me that He is making 'a new thing' out of my life. I liked who I was before. This experience has humbled me. "Don't think so highly of yourself, lest you fall". I am a lot quieter now. More careful of my words. More careful with my judgements. God has shown me His mercy, His grace, His love . . . and I, in turn, if I am to be like Him need to show His mercy, grace and love to others. I would like to share 'my experience with depression' another time . . . just not now.

June 4, 2001
From : Don
E-mail : DP216@WEBTV.NET

There are many times I wonder if I am truly a Christian.

Depression has been with me I believe since I was 13 due to the fact I found out I had Epilepsy. I felt so different from the rest of everyone. I always wanted to play sports but because of this disorder I didn't. I found myself hiding from the world even to this day.

Now 43 years old and 2 heart attacks later it seems to have gotten worse at times.There are times I am afraid to go anywhere without someone with me. Last year I broke down and the doctor put me in a help center for 2 days which I didn't like at all.

Times can be very lonely for me. I wish my faith in the Lord was strong enough to overcome these problems. I took to drinking which didn't solve a thing. I always pray for a better day in which I can realize my problems and who I am and what God wants me to do in this life. I know life is a gift. Three years ago they had to operate on my leg because I had a blocked artery. Well I think today I will be what the Lord wants me to be.

I work now and thank Him for that.I have a best friend which I never had before.I just hope all of us can be stronger through these storms of life which won't last forever. I love Romans: 8-18. Read it and see what I mean!

Well, God Bless all and maybe we can chat sometime
For Jesus sake we can get through life one day at a time.

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