July 29, 2001
From : Mr. O
E-mail : SeHabla@aol.com

Well, I'd like to begin by saying that things have been tough for me over the past few weeks, part of it is because of coming off the Xanax for Anxiety. I had been taking that for at least 2 years and I know that it is a med that is addictive. I notice that I have been more irritable and haven't been able to sleep as well. Anyways ,I am 35 years young and God has blessed me tremendously with a faithful loving wife of 10 years and 3 wonderful children ages 6,4 and 18 months. The first 2 are boys and the youngest is my princess. As far as I can remember, I have had this illness my whole life. It wasn't til '95 that I finally went in and got treated and put on meds. I have had many episodes since, and have taken a variety of meds over time to see what works best. Like a lot of you I'm sure, I played Dr. w/my meds and thought I just need to have more faith or how can God use me when I feel like I want to die. I still at times battle w/how much is spiritual and how much physical. I know that this illness affects all parts of who we are. It doesn't bother me now if I have to take meds the rest of my life or not, but I still pray that God would completely set me free. One of my favorite verses from God's Word is in 1Cor 10:13 where God promises that He will never allow us to go thru more than what we can handle. I know that even when times are tough that somehow my pain and suffering is not too much, but I rely on God and His Grace and Love. People who know me cannot believe that w/an out going personality and one who loves the spotlight like I do how can I have this? I wrestled w/this for so long and I have sought out all avenues to find out why? At a certain point it was as though God was telling me that it wasn't His Will for me to spend all my energy and efforts to try and fix it or figure it out. I had to cast my cares on God and enter His rest. He's God and He's in control. I know I have come a long way in my walk w/ God cuz I know that I need Him and know I cannot do anything w/o Him. It keeps me humbled and seeking Him. I think the hardest thing is that when I am going thru a hard time like now, I feel as though I will never make it and I will be this way forever. I have a hard time holding on to hope cuz the feelings are so strong, and many times I just don't want to keep going. I force myself to get going and act into a feeling instead of witing for a feeling to move me into action. I know I need to do things cuz it gets my mind off me. That's one of my pitfalls. I've learned that it does help me to get the focus off me and do for others especially when it comes to my wife and children they're my ministry and they need me. I teach in public school teaching Jr.High. Crazy, huh? It's what God has called me and gifted me to do. I've been teaching for 10 years overall, the first 6 years in Christian Schools and the last 4 in public. In conclusion, there is so much more I could write but I'll let some of that come out as I get to know some of you, I hope. I want to encourage any of you at any time and I want to be as transparent and real as I can. As long as we keep on believing and hold onto God as the only One true hope, I believe He will work His Perfect Will in us and thru us. Don't be afraid to share, I am confident that others, as well as my self have been there or are there and it's comforting to know that others are out there to genuinely care and have compassion and not judge-That's God's Job!
I know it's long but I could've made it longer.
Look forward to interacting w/you all!

Peace Out-Mr.O

July 26, 2001
From : Lola
E-mail : lilgoma1965@aol.com

My name is Lola and the story that I am about to tell you is true. I was born in 1965 Chicago, Ill. My mother 16 and my father 22. Right away they had to get married teens weren't aloud to be preganant and walking around with no husband at that time. So they were married. During the course of the pregnancy, my mother starved herself, thinking that if she did not eat and the advice from her doctor, that i would not survive. I did! I weighed 2lbs at birth and barely survived but, I did!

During the next 20 years I would be beat, demeaned, called every name in the book, raped, molested. Because I survived. Teenage years were hard with drugs and drinking. I would be saved by getting married at age 18 for being preganant. After giving birth to my daughter the drugs and the drinking quit asap! Later on in life when my daughter was three i would learn the horrible truth that not only was my husband beating and raping me during the day and at night, while carrying my son but, also molesting my daughter as well. Later I found the abuse to be more horrifying that i could imagine. That my son to at that time after giving birth to him and while working was being forced to watch or forced into the tub full of hot water.

I filed for seperation and waited for two months then went back to the states. No one in my church during those times would help me they shunned away from me. I turned on the church and have not been back since. I have loved God and still do, and I made a promise along time ago when the kids were baptized that I would take care of them and stabilize them and now they are 15 and almost 17. And they are doing well. Even though before my second husband came into our lives it was hard and tiring and alot of lonely nights crying and wondering if in fact that I had made the right choice to keep them. I think I did. they are healthy and happy and very much so mentally and emotionally strong and they are survivors like myself.

Thanks

Lola

July 25, 2001

I have been struggling with depression most of my life. As a child I was always overly sensitive and easily hurt by others. I cried easily and was the target of much mean-spiritness on the part of other kids. I did not realize as a child that both of my parents had suffered and were still suffering from depression. It all came to a serious level when I was diagnosed after the birth of my first daughter 19 years ago with a postpartum depression. My experience was fraught with obsessive thoughts also which were difficult to deal with because I like children and my daughter had been a planned pregnancy. I also work with children in my profession. Throughout my life since I have been on and off anti-depressant medications. The way I was able to cope after my daughter's birth was to lay in bed and recite the Lord's prayer. It is the only scripture that my addled brain would recall. I realize now that God was speaking to me through that prayer. I continue to struggle with depression. Recently a parent harassed me daily on my job for two months straight. I was in the throes of another major depression in my life. I was holding it together pretty well until my brother committed suicide in 1992.

I was even doing fairly well until this past two years when my younger daughter was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

Then things really got bad and I did something that I regret. I have asked God to forgive me but I still feel tremendous shame and guilt.

July 24, 2001
From : Gracemarie Thompson
E-mail : mysun69@aol.com

I have been a manic-depressive for most of my life. I first attempted suicide at the age of five. I was still attempting suicide at the age of 32. I grew up going to church and believing in God but I didn't understand God's purpose for me.

It really bothers me when people tell you to snap out of it and that you should just be happy.

I would like people to understand that depression is not a choice. It is a biological disorder. A person can't just decide not to be depressed anymore.

I don't like it when people imply that I could be happy if I wanted to. My mother-in-law told me that if I was strong in my faith I wouldn't suffer from depression. That really ticked me off.About five years ago I joined a church that really showed me how God's love can encompass you and make you whole. I still go through my stages of cycling from manic to depressed but I am now under a doctor's care, so the medical side is covered. I also go to church every Sunday and just revel in the love I receive from other Christians. Whenever I get too depressed I just tell myself that God has a purpose for me and that I can't end my life because I have to accomplish what he wants me to do.

July 22, 2001
From : Dana
E-mail : mdbgohorns1@aol.com

Hello!
What a Blessing this site is. I just found it and had to share my story. I have suffered from depression all my life. For 30 years I have been miserable. I attempted suicide at 15. My earliest thoughts of suicide were in the 5th grade.

I asked for help many times. My suicide attempt was hidden by my school. The doctors that I went to told me to calm down and relieve myself of all the stress in my life. I told one doctor that I was afraid I would hurt my then 2 year old daughter. She said to just relax.

Almost 2 years ago my daughter, who is now 8, was diagnosed with depression and obessive-complusive disorder. It was at that time that her doctor advised me to see him for my own depression. A year later I did. WOW!

I am now on medication and my life is full of joy. The Lord has given me this experience so that I can minister to others. I look back on all my pain and feel very blessed because I am able to help others who suffer and to educate others about this disease. Psalm 18 verses 1-6 and 16-19 is my victory cry. DO NOT FEEL SHAME OR GUILT! THERE IS HOPE!

July 22, 2001
From : Dan

One of the good things about clinical depression is that it can be effectively treated more often than not with anti-depressants. The statistic that I have seen is 80%. Of course the down side to this is that some people will need to search for alternative treatments. My personal experience with anti-depressants is that they were either too sedative or ineffective. The "emptiness" or "nothingness" that some people feel when depressed is how I felt when medicated. I am a Christian who prays, reads the bible, and attends services. While I'm taking anti-depressants, these spiritual activities had no impact on my emotions and consequentially became meaningless. The point I want to make is that every person will have different reactions to the medications because of the way the mind, body, and soul are interconnected. If you can take antidepressants and still remain devoted to your faith, that is great news. If you are like me, you can treat the mind by taking care of the body and soul. I always feel better when I eat right, exercise, and get an appropriate amount of sleep. Another thing that helps, and I don't totally understand, is to kneel while praying.

Secular psychology will tell you that you can feel better by "treating yourself" with some new clothes or other material stuff. These "very momentary lifts" only cause more harm because self-centeredness can be a cause of depression. The better thing to do would be to buy something or to do something for someone else. Every "random act of kindness" should have a positive affect on at least two people.

The last comment I'd like to make (that may help a little bit) is that the depressed are normally SMART and CARING people.

My favorite verse is Mark 12:30.

July 19, 2001
From : Shoshannah
E-mail : SFforGod@aol.com

My parents divorced when I was 11-12 years old and I had a rough time (I am 22 now). I was put in the Hospital two times because of my depression. My mom found a new church and they were very supportive of us. I was able to get out of the hospital after the second time and not go back. I went from one person to the next while getting outside help. I was on meds for awhile but I went to a Christian College and I thought that it was not God's will for me to be on meds so I came off. I had a very rough time in school and I finally accpetted the fact that I needed help. I got help in June of 2000 and since then I have been on med. but I have had a lot of times in the last year that I have struggled and continue while they find the right meds. for me. I am now trusting God and trying to get through my depression spells. Please remember God Loves you and He is making you a stronger person. GOD LOVES YOU !!!!!!!!!!!!!

July 17, 2001
From : Kashia

HI, my name is Kashia Moon. I am 15 years old, and i have suffered from depression for about 4 years now. In the beginning it was very hard for me. My whole life i have been very shy, so i didn't join the other kids in activites when i was younger. Mostly because I was afraid they wouldn't like me. So i pretty much isolated myself. As the years when by, i began to feel alone. I would stay in my room all day long, never going downstairs to be with the rest of my family. I would sit in my room all alone and cry. I felt empty inside. And that the whole world had turned against me. Soon enough I began the think that life was not worth living anymore. and that things would never get better.

A year ago I went to get help. It was very hard for me only being 14. I was very scared and worried the first time. My parents helped as much as they could. But even though i was getting help it took me a while to get back on my feet.

I also suffer from a social anxiety disorder. And i makes things a lot harder to me. Before i could never leave my house just to go shopping, or go visit my family that lived in another town. I would get very nervous, and start shaking, my stomach began to hurt, and i thought something bad was going to happen to me.

I told the person i see to get help, that i was having this problem and that i was getting to bad that i couldn't even go to school. And he told me that it was a side effect from being depressed. and that many people experience it.

Today my depression has gotten a lot better. i have more self-esteem, and life is a little easier. Although i still have to fight the anxiety. but going through all of this has made me stonger as a person. And i have become more in touch with God.

I wanted to share my story because i know what it is like to be alone. and going through depression can be very scary. and sometimes getting help can be difficult, but it is something that needs to be done. And if i can pull myself back up. I believe that all of you can too.

Thank you to those who read my story, And you are in my prayers. May God be with you all. Sincerely, Kashia

July 14, 2001
From : Joanne

Hi. I have problems with depression all my life I guess, but it it really started getting worse as a teenager. I'm now 36 and over the years I have gotten better at handling my depression but it has never gone away completely. I have always felt a lot of guilt - guilty that I don't ever feel like doing anything at all - it seems emotionally painful just to do normal activities. Then I beat myself up because I feel like I am such a bad mom and wife, mostly because I accomplish so much less than I could if I wasn't depressed. I go through some days where I am not depressed, and then I sink into it again. Possibly I am manic-depressive. Anyway, the thing that comforts me the most is in Romans where it says that there is no condemnation for those who belong to Him. I know I belong to Him and so I really shouldn't feel guilty whether it is my fault or not. I struggle to grasp this truth, because I still feel like I let Him and my family down. This website has been encouraging to me because I have never wanted to go on medication because I felt I should be able to handle this with God. But now maybe God is letting me know that it is OK to get on medication. So I am going to look into it. It would be so wonderful to feel "normal". I look at other people and I wish I could just feel "normal" - having energy to do things and want to really live my life instead of feeling like my whole life is one big weight.

One more thing. When I read your stories, I just want to hug each of you. I know that if I have compassion for you and love you, that God's love for you is incredible for you. And then I think that He must feel the same for me in spite of the fact that I feel the depression is my fault. I think that maybe I can just rest in his arms and not worry about what a terrible mother and wife that I am. But it is hard not to want to die - I would not commit suicide, but I do think of how it would all be over if I died. The only thing that keeps me going is that I figure God must have some purpose for me here, and although he can't do much with me, maybe just little things are enough to make it worth it for me to be here.

Thanks for hearing me. May each of you find the freedom in Christ that comes from knowing His truth. And may I as well. Joanne

July 4, 2001
From : Jacqueline
E-mail : CatholicFlower@aol.com

I suffer from depression. Sometimes, this is the hardest sentence for me to say. I have had this illness for over 8 years, ever since i was in 6th grade (at least thats the earlyest i can remember thinking about death) I am now a sophmore in high school, and still not well. Depression is like a deep pitt. The top is visible, and lots of people may be offering to help you out, but you cant reach. When someone offers, i shy away. I dont accept it. I believe that they dont really care, that they will hurt me, that i am totally alone in my life. I have thought about suicide often and had several close encounters with suicide. All through my depression, there is one place where i can sometimes find peace. In my church. I am a member of Saint william of york catholic church. When ever i find myself bad off, and i can get away, i go to church. Jesus does not always make me feel better (rarely does that in fact)but i do gain strength.

One thing i want to share about depression is that DEPRESSION IS NOT A PURELY SPIRITUAL PROBLEM NOR IS IT A PURELY MENTAL OR PHYSICAL Problem. We are people . People all have souls, bodys and minds. When a person says to a person with depression "just get off the meds, stop seeing the therapists, and pray more" this is not true. One of the holiest people in history, Saint Teresa of Availa, suffered from depression for 14 straight years. She could not do anything but what she was told to do, under the vow of obedinece, she forced herself to do what was nessessary, but that was it. She had not weaknesses that caused her to be that way, there was reason to it. When she died you could see the blessings that came from it. DERPRESSION IS NO ONES FAULT

July 2, 2001
From : Pat
E-mail : ozarkdreamer@hotmail.com

Hi:

I've suffered depression all my life. My favrite comments are, you've got to snap out of it, or my husbands best speach, only you can control and get a grip on this! How dumb can people get, it's not like one morning we woke up and decided to be depressed! I am a Assembly of God preacher's kid, my mom at the age of four,witnessed her mother kill herself! Great load for a four year old to carry hun! All my life my mom seemed to have no real joy. As for me, I follow the same path, Last year I was told I've got clinical depression and now I've handed it down to two of my sons! But if people would read the whole book of Psalms they would realize that even in that part of history, David had his bouts with depression, it's not new! Like in chapter 88. READ THE BOOK! IF a king after God's own heart can have depression, why is it so hard for our families, friends, and church families to except that it's real, not something we decided to have to draw attention to our selfs? I personaly like to be standing in the shadows then to be noticed! Depression makes me feel like everyone thinks you're lazy because it's an effert to get up in the mornings and hard to sleep at night. But this year, I've made progress since being on paxil, I just completed my GED, and now I'm going to college this fall! And I'm 45 years old with a son that just graduated this year too!
All this are possible, if you have God on your side!

God be with you all,
Pat

Missouri

 

Back To "Read What Others Have Shared" Main Page / Back To Home Page / Read Stories Submitted in June, 2001