Read What Others Have Shared
(August 2000)

There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone

August 27, 2000
From : Terry
E-mail : Idahoker@Juno.com

I’m a 50-year-old Christian man diagnosed as a dead-ringer for clinical depression. That was hard to accept. Seems that as a Christian, I should be filled with joy, happiness and thanksgiving. Instead, I was miserable, sad, unmotivated, grouchy, intolerant and unthankful. Most sermons only fed me lots of guilt and I gradually drifted into a very shallow state of faith. As best as I can remember, I’ve been somewhat negative most of my life. It seems to stem from times of extreme difficulties. At about 15 or so, I shook it off and focused on becoming an engineer and saving America from the USSR (the cold war was a very scary thing then). So for over 30 years, I was very driven, motivated and accomplished much here and all over the world. I was married, had 5 great kids, got saved when I was 30, was a deacon at Church, filled with the Holy Spirit in a most amazing way and yet when I entered my late 40’s depression began to grow, gradually, into an uncontrollable monster.

I had hard times before, but always came out of them, by the grace of God and a determination to get myself busy. But this time, it was the health effects of ageing, teenage children, problems with my wife, massive changes in society, job changes – everything was caving in on me at once, or so it seemed. I could sometimes shrug it off, but it would come back “...with 7 others meaner than itself…” I slept a lot, was quick to jump all over my wife & kids for almost anything, lost many friends. All the while God didn’t seem to be there to help. I could find a million things wrong with the Bible, but I held on to my basic trust in Jesus for salvation, even while being pissed at Him!!

About 2 years ago, I accepted the idea of taking psychotropics. First Prozac, later adding Wellbutron. I felt better after a while, and was hoping that I could use them to “kick –start” me on the way to normal living, without using them. Then I started getting paranoid and started doing some things that were totally uncharacteristic of me. That really scared me – it was like I was being possessed by a demon – and it happened so fast that I could hardly control myself. The Columbine kids were on Prozac & Ritalin. So I stopped taking both the Prozac and the Wellbutron.

About 2 years ago, I began to work out, watch my diet, and that helped for a while. A year of Pastoral counseling did no good. All the problems remain, plus more. So I’m slowly drifting back into the depression pit, finding it much harder to get out and much easier to slip back.

So what now? I’m not giving up!! Never!! With Christ for me, who can be against me? This has got to be mostly a spiritual fight. I do feel like a failure as a Christian, but I still have His guarantee of salvation!! Sometimes He heals instantly, but usually not. I think He wants me to work it out, learning that thru my depression and efforts to beat it (fail or succeed), I am still His!! And I will!! In Christ, I am more than a conqueror, I am an overcomer! I even hope to help others beat this demon called depression!

Currently, I am investigating other possible systemic problems – like diabetes and thyroid problems which run in my family. Also, I will try to see if I have a sleep disorder, which also has appeared in my family. As an absolute last resort, I will go back to the psychotropics. I was part of the 60’s & 70’s drug culture and I am afraid of those kinds of drugs. I’m not against it, I just don’t want to make it my easy way out. I want to encourage you to look for other ways than drugs, especially if you start getting odd mental reactions. If drugs work for you, please don’t feel condemned. I think we all react differently, especially to psychotropic drugs.

Hope this long rambling diatribe was helpful to someone. I was absolutely amazed to read how many Christians were having so much trouble. This may be today’s version of demons that people of the New Testament were delivered of.

God Bless

August 13, 2000
From : Shana Richardson
E-mail : smericha@aol.com

Hi, I'm Shana. I know very well what it is like to live with depression. I believe that during my life, I've suffered from what you call dysthymia, or constant low-grade depression. I always had a tendency to feel fatigue, didn't always take care of myself hygenically like I should. But a little over a year ago it hit me like no other time. Even when during those times I felt like crying all the time, or even suicidal (for which I did seek help).

This time it WAS different because I was severely depressed. My thoughts were even "altered," so to speak. It's kind of like I felt like I had no control over what I thought, any time of the day. Intrusive, violent thoughts raced through my mind, paralyzed me, frightened me. In others' eyes, I'm probably the least violent person you could meet. But as they say, depression tends to alter your sense of reality...it was making me think I could become violent.

What was behind all this was (it took me forever to come to terms with)...I've never been one to express anger. In fact, I've had years (I'm sure) of supressed anger I never expressed, and that came out, in the form of severe depression, in intrusive thoughts. It made me feel like I could've lost control any minute. It took everything within me to not act on any of these thoughts. But after a long time I learned that these thoughts were not my thoughts, they were from the illness.

After suffering from this for about 3 months (long enough), I finally sought help from a pdoc. I had been seeing a therapist. It was helpful, but not enough. I knew I could've been functioning better. Because I was constantly trying to supress these thoughts, separate them from what I was "actually" thinking (weird...almost like having 2 minds!), I was wearing myself out, having mental blocks, couldn't concentrate worth a darn.

At the same time I started my meds (zoloft)I also started a new job, which involves typing all day. Yes, the meds did save my life, and I also believe that my new job did too. It really helped me to focus for long periods of time. Not to mention it helped increase my self-esteem. Not only did the meds and my job save my life, but it was also through the help and support of my sisters, my friends from church, and their prayers! Yes, I was prayed over several times. I truly believe that has a big deal to do with my recovery!

One thing that bothers me about others' view of depression...well, I know that all my family and friends mean well. But their misunderstandings were hurtful too. My brother even told me I ought to try volunteering at a homeless shelter, in that way to be thankful for the things I do have, and what I am blessed with. Like that would cure me! A friend of mine, who I know meant well, said all the wrong things to me (which I happened to find on an Internet site, which lists what NOT to say to a depressed person!

What I would like others to understand about depression...that it is not something that you can just snap out of, that antidepressants are not addictive. If anyone knows a loved one who suffers from depression, they should do what they can to research it, to find out what they can do to help. It could make a world of difference!

How God has helped me? I know that through my darkest moments of depression, God had His hand on me the whole time, keeping me from harm. Honestly, there were some days I don't know how I would've gotten through otherwise. Praying kept me sane, that's for sure!

I didn't realize that I was actually a "strong" person...I always thought of myself weak in character. But, after going through this "hell on earth" experience, which also felt like a "dark night of the soul," my faith has strengthened, and I know I am a stronger person for it. I truly am thankful to God every day for my healing...I don't want to take it for granted, and I try to do what I can to reach out to others, to offer my help, support and encouragement (especially through the Internet).

I hope this helps someone out there...please, feel free to email me or IM me anytime...my screen name is also smericha. I am here for you. And know that God is there for you too!

My prayers are with you all!
Peace, Shana Richardson

August 10, 2000
From : Dead Alive
E-mail : smellerfeller@hotmail.com

It's so deep... I could write volumes... This puny box does my story no justice.

August 7, 2000
From : going nuts!
E-mail : salvation1964@msn.com

Oh Thank God, Someone who understands!!!! You mean I am not a terrible person, a terrible christian because I can't get myself out of this depression and anxiety? I love my church, and they are my only source of support, but I feel like they are getting frustrated with me always being defeated and depressed. Christians are never defeated... right? Christ gave me a sound mind.... right? My depression and anxiety have continued to get worse. Some times I don't think I can make it another day. Sometimes I wish God would take me home. Sometimes I struggle with brushing my teeth and going to work. When I first became a Christian my family was very angry. My mom cried for days. Both she and my brother said that "half the people in psych hospitals are Christians." Well guess what.... I don't want to prove them right, but I have often thought of checking myself into a psych ward.... I guess I want relief. I wish those who do not understand the pain of this disease could live inside my head for one day.... could live with the tormenting throughts that bomard my mind... to live wit the guilt of just wanting to give up.... to understand what it is like to call a victory just living one more day.... to understand why my house is such a mess.... to understand why I don't want to be around my family.... I get so angry with people who glibly say things like.... oh get over it!.....You have the power over this depression. God has given you the power.... use it! Smile!... (you know what.... sometime's, often times, I don't want to smile ok?).... snap out of it!.... It's all the medication that making you this way..... I have cut my antidepression medication in 1/2 and I have stopped taking my anxiety medication to see if maybe I would be more happy without the medication, or at least so much of it.... This is a hugh leep of faith. Am I doing the right thing? I just want to do what God wants me to do.... The last time I went off my antidepressant, when they switched me... bad things happened. But this time I am just trying to cut down on the dose. Today was my first day.... I don't feel much difference.... I am still depressed and have extreme anxiety. On the positive side, I forced myself to take a walk tonight and I did 3 loads of laundry and cleaned the kitchen and living room. But, I was totally stressed out and anxious at work. It felt like a long day.... I did not want to talk to anyone.... Please tell me there is hope... please tell me that I am not a terrible Christian because I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety and I just can't seem to get myself out of it.... Please tell me there is hope.... What do I need? Is it medication, deliverance, repentance, psychotherapy? I want you to be honest.... I guess that is what I am so angry about right now.... Why can't I just be me? Why can't I just feel what I am feeling? Why do I have to play the "put on a happy face" game just because I am a ch! ristian. I know I am probably rambling and bambling..... Thank you so much for letting me share this madeness....especially with others who understand exactly where I am and what I am going through. My constant prayer is "God, please help me!"

August 7, 2000
From : Nar
E-mail : pharaohnar@aol.com

"What is depression like for me?" Well, it is a thief, a robber which I have lived with for over 20 years. It has stolen joy, peace, sleep, energy, opportunities, and much more. Depression is a heavy blanket which drapes itself over me at the most inopportune times.

The guilt is possibly the worst aspect. I have been a Christian for over 30 years. I was taught (or I "caught") that the answer to everything was prayer and faith. When I couldn't "get the victory" over depression I began to wonder if my faith was real.

I have been in church leadership for almost as long as I have been saved. One time my pastor said "Come in and talk to me Monday, I have your answer!" I was excited, and fearful. I went into our meeting hoping beyond hope that perhaps my spiritual authority DID have the answer. After about an hour of sharing my heart (it could have gone longer and deeper) he just shook his head and said "I don't know ..."

Was there an answer?

I've gone through seasons of relief only to be dragged down again into the black hole of depression.

I was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed. I was prescribed Prozac for the depression and Alzaprolam for the anxiety. They seemed to have worked.

I've finally gotten over the guilt over taking a "mood altering drug" - which was just a false understanding of the medication. I realized my faith was sincere, but that God has many avenues of healing and relief in His hand. Doctors are part of that arsenal. Why not use this God-given avenue of healing? We go to the doctor for other ailments - why not for our emotions?

It was not a lack of faith, as I had thought.

 

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