August 29, 2001
From : Tom
E-mail tomeliz@hotmail.com

I have been a Christian for almost 30 years. I had a powerful conversion experience when I was fifteen. I believe that it saved my life, because I had gotten into drugs and was despairing of life. However, after a while being a Christian, "normal" life returned and along with that perhaps went some arrogance and cockiness about being on the "God squad". If people had problems, I guess I secretly wondered what they had done to bring those problems upon themselves. Why weren't they getting things right like I was?

In the eighties I spent some time living "out there", not really following the Lord. I got married. Six years later, in 1992, I found myself going through a divorce. I thought that this was one of the worst things that could happen, because it was a sin. I felt very guilty and sad.

A couple of years later, I met the woman to whom I am now married. We began dating and soon became interested in marriage. We were married in January 1996. It was a happy time, full of hope. Soon thereafter, all hell broke loose.

In May of that year, I woke up one day with a painful tooth. I went to the dentist and he prescribed a root canal. I had this done, and all seemed to go well. Within a couple of weeks I was beginning to have very strange and powerful sensations in my head. There was considerable pressure in the sinuses and ears. It finally culminated with very loud ringing in the ears which is called tinnitus. This began to put me over the edge. Up till this point no doctor had been able to find anything wrong with me. They did CAT scans and MRIs, finding nothing. Now I felt I was crazy, and indeed I was. I stopped sleeping. Within a couple of weeks I had moved out of the house, because my nighttime craziness was frightening my now pregnant wife. I can only say that I now lived in hell. My anxiety became so extreme that I thought the only alternative was to end my life. I was convinced that there was no cure for this loud ringing in my ears. Finally, I called a counselor I had gone to at 3 a.m. one morning and convinced her to take me to the local hospital where I told the ER doc that I would kill myself if he let me go. They checked me into the psych ward. I got out in a few days, but was back again in a week. The hellishness of that part of my life I cannot fully describe. Then the horrible descent into depression. The constant nagging inner voice demanding that I kill myself. The bafflement I had at being taken from what I felt was a pretty good specimen of manhood into someone near death. I lost about 30 pounds because I basically stopped eating. Fear and anxiety were my constant companions. I completely despaired of life, figured my job was over and I was done for as a human being.

Slowly over the next several months I began to recover. I found out about a treatment for tinnitus which helps. Medication (Ativan and Zoloft) seemed to kick in. At least I was able to get some sleep. How God kept me alive during that time, I will never understand, because I was a dead man. I prayed constantly, primarily using the Psalms. Especially the ones which said "Save me!". I got prayer from anybody who would pray with me.

After about a year my depression seemed "healed". My tinnitus was not bothering me anymore. I was back to "normal" again.

This spring the depression began to creep back. The tinnitus has started bothering me again and I have felt the suicidal thoughts creep back. I am now getting help with a counselor who is Christian and will advise if he thinks I need to get back on medication. I am very sensitive to drugs anyway, so I have a high fear factor with antidepressants. Prozac and Paxil cause very violent reactions in me, like hallucinations.

Where is God in all this? Well this is what I believe. I believe that God has a destiny for me. I also believe that He is constantly building my character into what he wants it to be so that I will be better able to serve others and Him. Leading me through these horrors has been part of my "education" in God. I am finding out that in my weakness, He is strong. This not what I would have ever chosen for myself. In fact, I can get bitterly angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. It is sad, it really is for anybody to got through this kind of horror. It hurts me that it happened to me. But when I get down to it, I really have no choice other than to trust God. If I didn't I might have taken my own life. Where else can I turn?

This experience has shown me that I really had weak faith. Also my capacity for love, especially self love was low. Why else should I consider taking my own life unless I hated myself the way I was. I would never do this to a friend whom I loved.

God be with me. Let me grow in your love and kindness for me. Thank you Jesus. Thanks for letting me share here.

Tom D.

August 23, 2001
From : Kismet
E-mail kleslie@marion.net

Hi. I am writing mostly because I want to let those who have posted their stories that they are such a blessing to me when I read their stories. To the younger ones my heart goes out especially because with time ( I am now 43 years old) things get a little easier because you get a little used to the way you are and the depression is not such a stanger. The best thing though with time is that you get to see how God is so faithful to us during those depressed times. I too have wanted to die many times, but you learn a few things. First, remember that King david experienced serious depression and GOd was always at work in David's life, how much more will He be with all those others suffering from depression. This past Spring I just "shut down". I had so much stress and really just couldn't go on any longer. God has been good to me and has been my safe place. He has fed our family (I am a single mom raising teenagers). Even now I am feeling like I must get a job and yet ! I know that if I push through on my own it can work out badly. I need to wait on God and hope that He will put me to work somewhere whereI can hold the job. I have seen so often in others lives that while the job may still have stress and is definately "WORK", it is the right place for them. This is my hope in Him for now. And I must say that I thank HIm very much for the rest I have had this summer, it has been a time of refreshing for me and yet I am still very scared if it werent'for knowing how He is everwith us and working things out for our eternal good. There is so much I could write but I do want to say to the younger people that my heart goes out to you and yet please know that GOd is working things out for the good of those who love Him, and that is you out there since you went to a Christian site. When you are weak, He is strong. When you are tired and can't go on, He is your rest. when you are lonely He will be your best friend and will also send you frie! nds. To the mothers out there I so so know how you feel, but please remember that God works GOOD from evil and no matter what, He knew when HE gave you those children of yours what your kids would go through and is with them. What a friend we have in Jesus, all ours sins and griefs to bear. There is a verse in Matthew where Jesus is talking and He says that these children in the world (ours and all the others) have angels that see God's face EVERY day. So please, all of you, even in the darkest hours, be assured that GOd-Father, Son and HOly Spirit has not let one minute of ours day or nights, or those around us that we love and feel we are neglecting (which at times we are) that not one minute of all of these days of ours are going unnoticed by His wonderful all knowing and all loving and magnificent abilities. It's going to be alright for even in death or life or troubles or persecution or hardship or famine or sword nothing can separate us from the love of God. And ! in time He will bear us up. And one day we will see HIm. And for that reason, HE is at work. That He would get us home with Him in His time. Much love to you all. Please also know that when we were baptized He adopted us as His children, and He is the perfect Father and will never abandon His children. God cannot do wrong. He can never make a mistake. His is ever so able and to do everything for us that we need, and for those we love. Try to get rid of those feelings of "GOD doesnt' love me or this wouldn't be happening" Many of His children have suffered much agony and yet He allowed it and never left them alone, so in Peace, Let us pray to the LOrd. I find great comfort in Hebrews chapter 11 and the whole book of 1st Peter especailly where Peter says, "nothing strange in happening to you." Again, thanks to all of you for sharing. May God bless you and keep you. See you all in heaven.

Kismet

August 21, 2001

From : Cathy
E-mail hollybear@gv.net

I have been depressed with Major and Chronic Depression for 18 years. It is not possible for me to sit under Hell and Damnation preaching and it has been difficult for me to find a church which does not bring on severe mental and spiritual confusion for me. Mental confusion is one of the worst symptoms I face.

When I fist had a complete mental breakdown I received calls from so called "spiritual" women in my church who wanted to come to my home and cast out demons. I have to wonder if they would want to do the same for a stroke or heart attack patient? What about all the other diseases we face as humans? Christians have a long way to go with their thinking, I am afraid.

Sadly, the church, for the most part, is missing the totality of Christ's healing power according to Isaiah 53:3,4,5. ...He was a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief...sound like depression to me! Well, I have learned to live through the dark times when I feel suicidal and those nights when I go to bed and feel so low in spirit I wonder if I will awake in the morning.

God says, "rest weary one". I thank God for good medication available for those of us who suffer with severe depression.

I have learned to not ever let another Christian lay hands on me for healing a big NO NO for the depressed! It is between YOU, YOUR PHYSICIAN, AND GOD!

August 17, 2001
From : Chris K
E-mail : psalm_139_14@hotmail.com

I remember being depressed with suicidal ideation as a teenager but as I became an adult I was more able to deal with situations. Until three years ago.

I started work at a respiratory mail-order pharmacy in 1994 as a file clerk. By 1998 I'd worked my way up to HR manager/Executive Assistant (a dual position with one salary). I felt like I had the world by the tail. I was very close to the president of our company, and to four other women in management positions. All of the sudden everything changed, and I was no longer one of the golden girls. They stopped including me in their after hours get-togethers. They were rude and nasty to me at work. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Later I found out that one of the woman had become jealous of how quickly I'd risen in the ranks and had manipulated the others into ostracizing me. The company sold and I suddenly found myself under a new president. Although my work had always been exemplary, I'd always received fantastic reviews, he constantly told me my work was lacking.

I remember driving to work one morning and wishing I could just kill myself.

Looking back, that is my first cognitive recognition of my depression. As time went by it became worse and worse. Suddenly I was not only thinking about killing myself, I was planning ways to do it.

I am deeply involved in my church as a volunteer on our drama team. I was so afraid to tell anyone what was going through my mind for fear they would stick my in some psych ward in a hospital and I would lose my position at work, and the drama team.

My supervisor, the new president, was having an affair with one of the other managers. There was a huge internal investigation as he was also accused of various other activities. But in the end, the good ol' boy system kept him in his position while the woman he was having an affair with was fired.

At that time, he turned his attention to me. He started saying things that were inappropriate and making sexual suggestions. He was also violent, having kicked a hole in the door to his office and broken the front door to the building as he slammed out. My office adjoined with his.

I had decided at this point to quit my job but was trying to hold on as long as possible to pay off bills, so that the lack of income would not be so devastating. I confided to someone the things he'd been doing and he was reported once again, this time fired.

I guess the stress just wacked me out, because for three days I took off work and just laid on the floor and cried. I wanted so much to go in my bathroom and slit my wrists.

I spoke to my Pastor about my "depression" and the problems I'd experienced at work. I did not tell him I was feeling suicidal. He suggested I was probably suffering from situational depression and since I'd quit my job and was out of the situation, then my depression would probably go away.

Not.

I started taking SAM-e and 5HTP which helped tremendously but I really didn't know what I was doing. I'd never spoken to a professional about my problem. It never occurred to me that I should take the supplements all the time. So when I felt better I stopped.

I went six months without any problems. Then one a day about four weeks ago I had a really bad argument with my husband. It literally sent me over the edge. I came as close as I've ever come to attempting suicide. I don't know what made me turn away at the last minute... only can think it was God answering prayer.

This time I confided my problem to a friend at church. He suggested I see our church counselor. It seems to be helping and I am continuously taking the supplements at their highest dosage.

When I am suffering it is like the earth swallows me up and I'm in this pit, and there is a whirlwind sucking me toward the center. The center is the darkest dark you can imagine. There is electrostatic activity that short circuits my brain and I can't think clearly. I desire to escape the pit but it is so hard to struggle away from the whirlwind and climb out. Every time I end up in the pit, I feel more weary and just want to give into the whirlwind.

The thing I'd like for people to understand about depression is I don't want to be there. I don't choose to be there but I can't seem to stop the downward spiral. I am not looking for attention. If I was looking for attention I would have told people I was suffering much longer ago than this! In fact the opposite is true. I am so humiliated to be a Christian and suffering from this. I am humiliated to feel so weak, even though I know it is a disease just like diabetes or asthma.

My Christian friends try to throw scripture at me when I'm in "the pit." It is like handing a band aid to someone with a mortal wound. There is a Twila Paris song that goes:

I know the answers, I've given them all Suddenly now, I feel so small, Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.

I know the doctrines and theology,
Right now they don't mean much to me,
This time there's only one thing I've gotta know.

Do I trust you Lord?

I know scripture... I've been a Christian forever. In the pit, it makes no sense.

One thing I've come to realize recently is that my problem with depression is not caused by the people around me and the things they do or say to me.

Ephesians 6:12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.

I truly believe that Christ won the battle over darkness, and when I realize that the darkness is trying to swallow me up it makes me angry. I don't want spiritual hosts of wickedness to win. And that has made me more determined to overcome the depression. Christ has already won the battle and he can help me overcome this, too.

I would suggest two books:

Praying God's Word by Beth Moore
Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D.

Hope this helps someone.

Love in Christ,

Chris K

August 17, 2001
From : Ruth

Well since I last worte back in April somethings have improved & somethings haven't alot of my firends have been great help And the counselling has been some good. I managed to go away for a week on United Beach Mission again this year only because a friend gave me the booking fee otherwise this year I wouldn't of gone away at all it was good but some days were hard as I didn't even want to be there but I made the week out and made new friends.

But at the moment I feel really bad about myself as I feel rather like it was to much effort that the going away was 12 steps forward and 20 back and the best thing was being able to just to with other christians for a week alright once I came back i just wanted to be away from people for ages and I still feel like going up to my room and being alone that's when I feel more happy when I am not around people when I am on my own but then one part of me wants to be among my friends. But I am slowly cutting myself off from among them because I am scared that I am going to get hurt by them.

August 14th
From : Pamela Galati
E-mail : Swayze1952@altavista.com

When I feel depressed, I feel like I am in a room where the walls are all painted black and I am by myself. I feel a lot of times like no one understands what I am going through,and that God is far away from me. I still feel that my prayers fall on deaf ears. If no one listens to me here on earth,why should God either. I think that this depression that I am in is a punishment from God. I had a spell of not only depression but anxiety at work. My boss asked me what was wrong and I said I didn't know. She told me she was going to send me home and I didn't want to. She said "Well you can't stand around here and bawl all day." Which made me feel even more alone. I have tried to pray to God, but it seems like he doesn't hear me.

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