Memoirs of a Mad Woman
For me
There is no more joy
I've lost my little boy
I don't know why this has to be
Why he was taken away from me
So many memories
So many feelings
The pain
The guilt
Sorrowful things
I know he couldn't have
I know he wouldn't have
Done this just to hurt me
Why would he want to hurt me?
Every minute of the past haunts me now
Only if I wouldn't have
Oh my God, I shouldn't have
Said this thing
Done that thing
He never was forgiving
I want to take responsibility for my actions
After all, he was the clay I was given to mold
And I failed miserably!
I'm no artist of the human soul
He's made it perfectly clear
That I failed
I knew that
He didn't have to prove it
"The outcome of the child is the parent's responsibility!"If all that is so
Then why don't we know
Instinctively
How to do it
Without error
Perfectly?
I blame it on me!
I blame it on me!
It's all my fault!
I did everything wrong!
Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!
This just is not fair!
I am guilty
And the sentence is
My son's death
And YOU!… society
See what YOU'VE done!
It wasn't supposed to be like this
He was supposed to work it out
He was supposed to turn out OK
He never gave himself a chance
He never would change his mind
He wouldn't listen to reason
He was so confused
He didn't have enough time to figure it out
What is the purpose in all this?
What?!
I want to know!
I devoted my life to him and that wasn't enough
It was a very difficult journey
That lead to no damn where!
I am so MAD
I am so SAD
Oh God! I don't know what to do
I hate this and I can't stop
I can't change it
I can't fix it
It's over!
Reality sucks
I want to stand on top of the universe and scream
My Son is dead!
My Child is dead!
I want to scream out from the deepest part of my soul
The pain of my inner being
From the maternal depths of my self
Where life comes from
Everything that I am
And was
Is writhing in inconsoleable pain
There is an empty pit in my being
Why Oh Why Oh Why???
What am I supposed to learn from this?
I don't know what to do now
Where do I go from here?
What am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?
This wasn't a part of the plan to lose my child
He was supposed to grow up!
Get a life and just be
Like the rest of us
Try to figure it out as he went along
Just like the rest of us had to do
Have to do
I am not finding peace in this anger
Why do I have to be angry?
Why do I have to be sad?
Why can't I just accept this the way it is and go on?
Why can't I have faith in my belief that somehow this was meant to be?
What if it wasn't meant to be?
What if "THEY" are right and there is a HELL?
Sorry, but I can't accept that
Because if that is so
There is going to be too many souls there to count..
Heaven will be a lonely place
It just can't be that way
Where is my son?!
Oh God! Where is my son?!
I am so sorry
I am so sad
Yet I have just become content
Because finally
I am crying