I was once fortunate enough to have lunch with Mr. Tommy Lasorda, (future Professional Baseball Hall of Fame member, former coach of the Los Angeles Dodgers), just before a sports banquet. In the off seasons, and now that he is retired, Mr. Lasorda travels the world as a guest motivational speaker. One of the things he said in his speech was that "Laughter is food for your soul." and his speeches are full of jokes.
It has been proven in many studies that humour and laughter are healthy and good for you. Members of the opposite sex quite often list "a good sense of humour" as a desirable quality. Granted what is funny to me may not be funny to you or your friends but with this in mind, below are some jokes I have come across over the years that work for me. Hope they work for you as well!
REMEMBER!!! Some of these jokes may or may not be offensive to some of you. They are all intended in a humorous way with no offense intended to anyone. Please feel free to use those you find funny. If you might have any jokes you want to share -- please email them to me and I'll include them here!
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there is a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and 1 woman, but there was only one position available. The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely classified job. The CIA man administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," he explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her!" The man was shocked and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" To which the CIA Agent replied, "Well, then you are not the right man for the job." They brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," he explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her!" The man was shocked but none the less took the gun and went into the room. All was quite for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her but I just couldn't pull the trigger, I guess I'm not the right man for the job." The CIA Agent brought the woman candidate to the metal door for the same test. He handed her the same gun and told her, "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," he explained. "Inside this room, you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him!" The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door was even closed all the way shut, the CIA Agent heard the gun start to fire. One shot after another after another for all 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. The CIA Agent heard screaming, crashing and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes -- then all went quite. The door slowly opened and there stood the woman candidate. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys din't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Adam, in the Garden of Eden one day, calls out to God. "God, I have a problem!" God reseponds, "Adam, what seems to be the matter? How can you possibly have a problem when you live in paradise?" Adam calls out, "Actually, despite all the lovely animals and plants - I am lonely - a companion would be nice." God replies, "Well, I tell you what Adam - I will give you the perfect companion. She will be called 'woman' and she will be beautifull, caring, understanding, loving, compassionate and tend to your every want and desire." Adam responds, "Sounds absolutely fantastic but what's the catch?" God replies, "Actually Adam, you are right, something this great and perfect will cost you alot. You will have to pay an arm, a leg and a foot in order to get this perfect companion." Adam ponders this proposal for a few minutes and finaly responds to God, "Eh, sounds great but what do you think I can get for a rib?" -- The rest as they say is history.
A couple who had been married 50 years where sitting at the breakfast table the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband looks at his wife and says, "You know darling that 50 years ago today we where sitting at this very same table together." The wife smiles and says, "Yes and we were probably naked as a Jay bird back then too." The wife then winks at her husband of 50 years and says, "Well... what do you think - should we?" They both strip down and sit back down at the table. The wife says, "You know my darling, my nipples are as hot for you now as they were 50 years ago." The husbands replies, "I wouldn't be surprised because one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
There was an old man, a golf pro and Jesus Christ out to play a game of golf one day. The golf pro teed off first. It was a perfect shot, a hole in one! Next it was Jesus Christ's turn. He teed off but he sliced it. It hit a tree, rebounded back onto the green and right into the hole. Another hole in one!! "Nice shot", the golf pro said to Jesus Christ. Next it was the old man's turn. He teed off but it appeared to be a REALLY bad shot. It headed straight for the water trap but just as it was about to go into the water, a fish jumped up and grabbed the ball in it's mouth. Just as the fish was about to splash back into the water, a giant bird swooped down and grabbed the fish with it's claws. The bird flew over the green and dropped the fish onto the green. When the fish hit the green the ball popped out of it's mouth and rolled right into the hole. WELL, the golf pro was amazed!! He jumped up and down in excitement yelling, "What an incredible shot!" Jesus Christ walked up to the old man and said in a very calm voice, "Yeah, yeah, really nice shot. Now quit fooling around Dad and let's play some golf.
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "You are an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they have got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?" Satan replies, "Hey it's going great. We have got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators and there is no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What -you have got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he never should have been sent down there -- send him back up to Heaven right away!!" Satan says, "Not a chance! I like having an engineer on staff and I'm keeping him!" God replies, "Send him back right now or I'll sue." Satan laughs and replies, "Yeah right, and just where do you think you are going to find a lawyer!"
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly, so needless to day she was very excited. So excited in fact that as she sat on the bus on her way home, she felt that she must share the good news with someone. The older gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with. "Sir", she said, "I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll just bust." The yound lady told the gentlemen the news she just received from the doctor. He was extremely happy for the young lady and shared his experiences with her. The gentleman told the lady that he was a farmer and he too had trouble with his hens laying eggs. One morning, he went into the henhouse and all of his hens had laid eggs. The older gentleman was so happy he added, "but confidentially, I changed the cocks." The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially -- me too."
Dex
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