Aires (3/21 - 4/19)



1st Sign of The Zodiac


Symbol: The Ram
Element: Fire
Mode: Cardinal
Planet: Mars
Lucky Numbers: 1, 9, 10, 19, 28, 37, 46, 55
Best Trait: Courage
Opposite Sign: Libra
Compatible Signs: Gemini, Leo, Sagittarius, Aquarius
Color: Red
Gemstone: Diamond

You are the pioneering type. You are adventurous, energetic, enthusiastic, confident, dynamic, and quick-witted. You hold most people in contempt. You have a driving need to be First and Best. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are self-reliant, self-absorbed, self-assertive, self-indulgent, self-righteous, and self-centered. But these traits are balanced by an overpowering need to be frank, direct, and candid. You have no tact. You can insult and hurt people without trying, but you enjoy putting forth that little extra effort. You are open to new ideas and challenges, as long as there is an opportunity for personal satisfaction and advancement. Like your stone, the diamond, you are hard-headed, multi-faceted, brilliant, and beautiful. You would sell your mother to get what you want. You tend to be overly optimistic, especially when you think others care about you.
You are not very nice!

Suggested Occupations: Doctor, Explorer, Gunnery Sergeant, and Serial Killer.
Famous Ariens: Thomas Jefferson, Houdini, Elton John, W.C. Fields, Marlon Brando, Bette Davis, Alan Arkin, Warren Beatty, Hugh Hefner, Anthony Perkins, Gloria Steinem, Vincent van Gogh, Tennessee Williams, and Shirley MacLaine.

Taurus (4/20 - 5/20)


2nd Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Bull
Element: Earth
Mode: Fixed
Planet: Venus
Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 6, 11, 20, 29, 37, 47, 56
Best Trait: Dependability
Opposite Sign: Scorpio
Compatible Signs: Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn, Pisces
Color: Blue, Pink, Green
Gemstone: Emerald

You are a perfectionist. You are practical, prudent, patient, and persistent. Most people think you are stubborn and cantankerous. You are a hard worker. You tend to be materialistic, covetous, and possessive. You can be generous, warm-hearted and loving, but that's not much fun. You appreciate luxury and sentences beginning with "I have...", "I own...", "I bought...", etc. You are musically inclined. However, playing the saw is usually not enough to push you over the top in the 'Talent' competition. Therefore, if you were "Miss" anything, it was probably "Miss Congeniality"...yeah, right!
You are a Communist!

Suggested Occupations: Banker, Auctioneer, Farmer, Insurance Sales.
Famous Taureans: William Shakespeare, Barbra Streisand, Willie Nelson, Orson Welles, George Lucas, Carol Burnett, Billy Joel, James Stewart, Harry S Truman, Leonardo da Vinci, Leonardo DiCaprio and Shirley MacLaine.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21)


3rd Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Twins
Element: Air
Mode: Mutable
Planet: Mercury
Lucky Numbers: 3, 5, 9, 12, 21, 30, 48, 57
Best Trait: Responsiveness
Opposite Sign: Sagittarius
Compatible Signs: Leo, Aires, Libra, Aquarius
Color: Yellow
Gemstone: Agate

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. You are shrewd, clever, resourceful, analytical, and complex. You tend to make acquaintances, rather than friends. Most people like you, and you like everyone. You are bisexual. You are very interested in anything electronic, and are always close to computers, mobile phones, beepers, etc. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. In other words, you are cheap! Gemini is a sign of youth. You tend to be lively, curious, inquiring, and child-like in appearance and bearing. Your youthful exuberance tends to really grate on people. You display the duality of your symbol, 'The Twins'. You don't know if you are coming or going. You are contradictory, deceitful, two-faced and have a split personality. All Geminis are related to one another.
Geminis are known for being tag-team wrestlers!

Suggested Occupations: Lawyer, Automobile Salesperson, Mirror Salesperson, TV News Anchor.
Famous Geminis: Laurel & Hardy, Luci & Desi, Abbott & Costello, Rowan & Martin, Bonnie & Clyde, Sigfried & Roy, Ben & Jerry, Chip & Dale, Batman & Robin, Hootie & The Blow Fish, Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde, Sonny & Cher, Ren & Stimpy, and Shirley MacLaine.

Cancer (6/22 - 7/22)


4th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Crab
Element: Water
Mode: Cardinal
Planet: Moon
Lucky Numbers: 3, 4, 7, 13, 22, 31, 40, 49, 58
Best Trait: Loyalty
Opposite Sign: Capricorn
Compatible Signs: Virgo, Pisces, Taurus, Scorpio
Color: Silver, Green
Gemstone: Moonstone

You are basically a good person. You just have a screwed up family. You are sentimental and love unreservedly. You are protective and sympathetic. You always give more than you get in return. People think you are a sucker. You are not direct nor confrontational. You are door mat. You make friends easily, but are so clingy that you drive them away. You have a huge inferiority complex, and rightfully so. You are moody, self-pitying, and overly emotional. You are easily flattered. You walk clumsily. All Cancer natives have funny names.
Most Cancer people like looking in mirrors!

Suggested Occupations: Journalist, Writer, Chef, Gardener, Politician.
Famous Cancerians: Geraldo Rivera, Ringo Starr, Buckminster Fuller, Yoko Ono, Luciano Pavarotti, Ronald McDonald, Bozo, Gore Vidal, Vidal Sassoon, Julio Iglesias, Lee Iacocca, Groucho Marx, Harpo Marx, Chico Marx, Zeppo Marx, Gummo Marx, Peabo Bryson, and Shirley MacLaine.

Leo (7/23 - 8/22)


5th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Lion
Element: Fire
Mode: Fixed
Planet: Sun
Lucky Numbers: 5, 8, 9, 14, 23, 32, 41, 50
Best Trait: Exuberance
Opposite Sign: Aquarius
Compatible Signs: Libra, Sagittarius, Aires, Gemini
Color: Gold, Orange, Red
Gemstone: Onyx

You are wonderful, perfect, and entitled to the Lion's Share. You are magnanimous and generous to a fault. You are big-hearted, warm-hearted, and whole-heartedly happy to be king. You consider yourself a born leader. Everyone else thinks you're a big jerk. You are noble, strong, and courageous, arrogant, snobbish, intolerant, haughty, and bombastic. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest criticism. Your pomposity is disgusting! Leos make good dictators! Any Leo woman will be the "Mother-In-Law From HELL!"
Leo people are thieves!

Suggested Occupations: King, Dictator, Prison Guard, Prison Inmate, Lawyer, Politician.
Famous Leos: Napoleon, Genghis Kahn, Omar Khayyam, Benito Mussolini, Nikita Kruschev, Adolf Hitler, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton and Shirley MacLaine.

Virgo (8/23 - 9/22)


6th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Virgin 
Element: Earth
Mode: Mutable
Planet: Mercury
Lucky Numbers: 3, 5, 6, 15, 24, 33, 42, 51
Best Trait: Discrimination
Opposite Sign: Pisces
Compatible Signs: Scorpio, Capricorn, Taurus, Cancer
Color: Indigo, Violet
Gemstone: Agate

Virgo is the only sign represented by a female. You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are analytical, discriminating, delicate, precise, fastidious, sensible, methodical, cautious, refined, and judicious. So what? You are cold, withdrawn, unexciting, undemonstrative, and unemotional. Because you use practiced techniques, rather than letting the moment carry you away, you sometimes fall asleep while making love! You lack self confidence. Virgo women never marry.
Virgos make good statues

Suggested Occupations: Mathematician, Maid, Hygienist, Linguist, Librarian, Accountant, Dictionary Editor, Inspector.
Famous Virgos: Sophia Loren, Raquel Welch, Brigitte Bardot, Marilyn Monroe, Cindy Crawford, Lauren Bacall, Anne Bancroft, Ingrid Bergman, Queen Elizabeth I, and Shirley MacLaine.

Libra (9/23 - 10/22)


7th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Scales 
Element: Air
Mode: Cardinal
Planet: Venus
Lucky Numbers: 6, 7, 9, 16, 25, 34, 43, 52
Best Trait: Charm
Opposite Sign: Aires
Compatible Signs: Sagittarius, Aquarius, Gemini, Leo
Color: Indigo, Yellow, Blue, Pastels
Gemstone: Diamond

Libra is the only inanimate sign of the zodiac. You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. You are poised, soft spoken, elegant, gentle, sentimental, very empathetic, idealistic, and kind. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. You are sensitive to the needs of others and have a gift for making people feel important. You detest vulgarity, cruelty, and conflict. You can be frivolous, impatient, flirtatious, and promiscuous. Go back to your original hair color. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Libra women make highly paid prostitutes.
All Libras die of venereal disease!

Suggested Occupations: Mattress Salesperson, Lawyer, Interior Designer, Diplomat, Antique Dealer.
Famous Libras: Bruce Springsteen, Michael Douglas, Paul Simon, Eleanor Roosevelt, Monica Lewinsky, Johnny Mathis, Olivia Newton-John, Julie Andrews, Truman Capote, George Gershwin, and Shirley MacLaine.

Scorpio (10/23 - 11/22)


8th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Scorpion 
Element: Water
Mode: Fixed
Planet: Pluto
Lucky Numbers: 2, 4, 8, 17, 26, 35, 44, 53
Best Trait: Idealism
Opposite Sign: Taurus
Compatible Signs: Capricorn, Pisces, Cancer, Virgo
Color: Red, Crimson, Maroon
Gemstone: Topaz

You are very complex. You prefer deep commitment, deep conversation, deep thoughts, and deep sea diving. If you can't say something nice, you prefer to say nothing at all. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. People whisper about your sex life. You are strong-willed, intense, forceful, persistent, and determined. You will achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You discard friends once they cease to be of use to you. You have a volatile temper. You have penetrating dark eyes. You are bowlegged and very hairy...so are Scorpio men.
Most Scorpios are murdered!

Suggested Occupations: Surgeon, Scientist, Detective, Spy, Counselor.
Famous Scorpios: Sally Field, Goldie Hawn, Prince Charles, Christopher Columbus, Bill Gates, and Shirley MacLaine.

Sagittarius (11/23 - 12/22)


9th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Archer 
Element: Fire
Mode: Mutable
Planet: Jupiter
Lucky Numbers: 5, 7, 9, 18, 27, 36, 45, 54
Best Trait: Optimism
Opposite Sign: Gemini
Compatible Signs: Aquarius, Aires, Leo, Libra
Color: Purple, Violet, Lavender
Gemstone: Turquoise

You are enthusiastic, ambitious, gregarious, and inquisitive. You are adventurous, active, and have a reckless tendency to rely on luck, since you lack talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks or dopers. You take responsibilities lightly. You are superficial, inconsiderate, and tactless. You take yourself way too seriously and are scornful of the perceived inadequacies of others. You tend to be taller than average, have a dark complexion, large front teeth, and an inclination toward baldness. On the other hand, Sagittarian men have lots of hair...go figure! People laugh at you behind your back.
All Sagittarians play Rock And Roll...Kinda!

Suggested Occupations: Ice Cream Truck Driver, Philosopher, Sports Coach, Carnival Barker.
FamousSagittarians: David Bowie, Linda McCartney, Linda Ronstadt, The BeeGees, Carly Simon, Neil Diamond, Bread, John Denver, Phil Collins, Barry Manilow, Seals & Crofts, Helen Reddy, John Davidson, Donny & Marie, and Shirley MacLaine.

Capricorn (12/23 - 1/22)


10th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Goat
Element: Earth
Mode: Cardinal
Planet: Saturn
Lucky Numbers: 2, 8, 10, 28, 37, 46, 55, 
Best Trait: Self-Mastery
Opposite Sign: Cancer
Compatible Signs: Pisces, Taurus, Virgo, Scorpio
Color: Black, Grey, Any shade of Green
Gemstone: Onyx

You are cautious, steadfast, reserved, practical, prudent, disciplined, and hardworking...YOU ARE DULL! Capricorns make good chess players. You are the most stable sign in the zodiac. Pigeons mistake you for a stationary target. You don't do much of anything...you are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You are stubborn and plodding. You spread gloom wherever you go.
You should seriously consider suicide!

Suggested Occupations: Grave Digger, Shoe Salesperson, Professional Loser, Postal Worker.
Famous Capricorns: Shirley MacLaine.

Aquarius (1/23 - 2/18)


11th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Water Bearer
Element: Air
Mode: Fixed
Planet: Uranus
Lucky Numbers: -16, 1, 7, 11, 29, 38, 47, 56, 666 
Best Trait: Friendliness
Opposite Sign: Leo
Compatible Signs: Aires, Libra, Gemini, Sagittarius
Color: Royal, Azure, Sky Blue
Gemstone: Blue Sapphire

You are friendly and very intuitive. You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. Some Aquarians are shy, practical, intellectual, unemotional, and unattractive. The rest are eccentric, unpredictable, high spirited, perverse, rude, and like to take their clothes off in public places. You have good taste in art, drama, and music. You are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over again. You would rather talk about it than do it! Aquarians are voyeurs.
People think you are stupid!

Suggested Occupations: Psychic, Fortune Teller, Horse Trainer, Stripper.
Famous Aquarians: Oprah Winfrey, John McEnroe, Vanessa Redgrave, Abraham Lincoln, Susan B. Anthony, Carol Channing, Mia Farrow, Telly Savalas, Virginia Wolf, Tallulah Bankhead, and Shirley MacLaine.

Pisces (2/19 - 3/18)


12th Sign of The Zodiac
Symbol: The Fish
Element: Water
Mode: Mutable
Planet: Neptune
Lucky Numbers: 2, 6, 12, 21, 39, 48, 57
Best Trait: Compassion
Opposite Sign: Virgo
Compatible Signs: Taurus, Cancer, Scorpio, Capricorn
Color: Sea Green, Aqua
Gemstone: Aquamarine

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your associates and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. All Pisceans are named 'Jack' or 'Jackie'. If your parents told you that you are a Pisces, and this is not your name, there is only one explanation: YOUR PARENTS ARE LIARS! Either you aren't a Pisces, or...you ARE a Pisces who was adopted, and they changed your name!
Pisces people do terrible things to small animals!

Suggested Occupations: Librarian, Anaesthesiologist, Caterer, Fireman
Famous Pisces: Jack Palance, Jackie Mason, Jackie Vernon, Jackie Chan, John F. (Jack) Kennedy, Jackie Kennedy Onasis, Jack Nicholson, Jack Kerouac, Jack London, Jackie Cooper, Jackie Coogan, Jack Kemp, Jack Benny, Jack Ryan, Jack-O-Lantern, Jack The Ripper, Jack In The Box, Jack Rabbit, Jack B. Nimble, Jack B. Quick, Jack Sprat, Billy Jack, Black Jack, Jack Cheese, Jacqueline Bissett(...what?), and Shirley MacLaine!

If you feel like getting in touch...
Steve@sundaybrunch.com

Last modified 1/17/99