GM HelpDesk for New Drivers

General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers --but imagine
if they did...

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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing
           happened!"
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your
           battery and turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine?  How come I have
           to know all of these technical terms just to use my
           car?"
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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go
           anywhere!"
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know?"
HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a
           needle, and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the
           needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I see an 'E' but no 'F'."
HELPLINE:  "You see the 'E' and just to the right is the 'F'.
CUSTOMER:  "No, just to the right of the first 'E' is a 'V'.
HELPLINE:  "A 'V'?!?"
CUSTOMER:  "Yeah, there's a 'C', an 'H', the first 'E', then a
           'V', followed by 'R', 'O', 'L' ..."
HELPLINE:  "No, no, no sir!  That's the front of the car. When
           you sit behind the steering wheel, that's the panel
           I'm talking about."
CUSTOMER:  "That steering wheel thingy--  Is that the round
           thing that honks the horn?"
HELPLINE:  "Yes, among other things."
CUSTOMER:  "The needle's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor
           and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it
           yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:  "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me
           that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
           car that comes with everything built in!"
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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator
           pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a
           while, and then it crashed -- and now it won't
           even start up!"
HELPLINE:  "I'm sorry, sir, but it's your responsibility if
           you misuse the product."
CUSTOMER:  "Misuse it?  I was just following this damned manual
           of yours.  It said to make the car go to put the
           transmission in 'D' and press the accelerator pedal.
           That's exactly what I did --now the damn thing's
           crashed."
HELPLINE:  "Did you read the entire operator's manual before
           operating the car sir?"
CUSTOMER:  "What?  Of course I did!  I told you I did EVERYTHING
           the manual said and it didn't work!"
HELPLINE:  "Didn't you attempt to slow down so you wouldn't
           crash?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do you do THAT?"
HELPLINE:  "You said you read the entire manual, sir. It's on
           page 14.  The pedal next to the accelerator."
CUSTOMER:  "Well, I don't have all day to sit around and read
           this manual you know."
HELPLINE:  "Of course not.  What do you expect us to do about
           it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest versions
           that goes fast and won't crash anymore!"
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HELPLINE:  "General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your
           car because it has automatic transmission, cruise
           control, power steering, power brakes, and power
           door locks."
HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to DRIVE?"
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go
           places in my car!"
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