Subj: Accident Report

Dear Sir:
      I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
      I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working along the roof of a new six-story building.  When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over.  Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pully which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
      Securing the rope at the ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it.  Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks.  You will note in block 11 of the accident reporting form that I weigh 185 pounds.
      Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
      In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone.  Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pully.
      Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.  At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel.  Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.
      I refer you again to my weight in block number 11.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.  In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body.
      This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.  I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind..... And let go of the rope.

Absenteeism

To:           All Personnel
Subject:      Absenteeism

It  has become necessary for us to review some of our policies, due to frequent absenteeism of  our   production employees (Programmers, Analists, and President).

The following changes are in effect as of today:

Sickness:NO  EXCUSE....We will no longer accept your Doctor's statement of proof, and we believe that if you are able to go to the Doctor, you are able to come to work.

Death: (OTHER  THAN  YOUR  OWN)....This  is no excuse.  There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else with a lesser position can attend to the arrangements.   However, if the funeral can be held in the late afternoon, we will be glad to let you off one hour early,  provided  that your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Leave  of  Absence: (FOR  AN OPERATION)....We are no longer allowing this practice.   We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation,  as we believe as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything
removed.   We hired you as you are and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.

Death: (YOUR  OWN)....This  will be accepted as an excuse, but we would  like a two weeks  notice.   We feel it is your duty to teach someone else your job.

           Also,  entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In  the  future, we will  follow the practice of going in alphabetical order.   For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00  to  8:15,  'B' will go from 8:15 to 8:30, and so on.  If you are unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again.
 
 
Subj:  New Element

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER NON-REACTIVE CHEMICAL
       The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by physicists.  The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero.  However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons.  This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.
      Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert.  However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with.  According to its discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur in less than one second.  Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons change places.  Some studies indicate that the atomic weight actually increases after each reorganization.
      Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere.  It tends to concentrate at certain points, such as government agencies, large corporations and universities, and can usually be found in the newest, best maintained buildings.
      Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration, and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.  Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

A final note, this new element is becoming known by many names, I'm sure you will experience its affect sooner or later.
 
Beep, beep

      An 85 year old man goes to the doctor and says doc I have this 30 year old wife, I don't have much time left on this earth and I'd like to have sex with her at least one more time befor I die.
      The doctor says well I can do you one better, take this pill and it will help you to get a hard on three times. befor you pass on. Say Beep to make it get hard and Beep Beep to get rid of it. But remember you will only get it to go three times.
      The old man walks out of the doctors office and just to try it out he pulls his pants out, looks in and says Beep, well naturally it swells  just like the doctor said that it would. So he thinks "cool" and says Beep Beep and it goes back down.
      While driving home a little vw passes him and honks its horn "Beep" and there it goes stiff as a board. Shit he says and drives home as fast as he can.
      When he pulls up in the driveway he syas "beep beep" to avoid letting his wife know what he had done.  So he goes into the house and yells "Honey go in the bedroom take all your clothes, and jump in bed and I'll be in in a minute".
      She runs in jumps in bed. He comes in takes off his clothes jumps in bed and says "beep".
His Wife looks at him curiously and asks "What's with this beep beep shit?"

Blessing???

Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

Cartoon Laws of Physics
 
Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation.

Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.  He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down.  At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
 

Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.

Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.

Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the specialty of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.

Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably unsuccessful.

Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.

Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface.  A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, essecially when in flight.
 
Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.

This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously.  This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
===============

Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.

This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space.  The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.  This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.

Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.

Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford.  They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed.  After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary:  A cat will assume the shape of its container.

Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.

Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.

This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large.  For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.

When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.

Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.

Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will.  For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself
without speaking.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries. They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.

Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop.  Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch.  As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch.  As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).

The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing.  Dynamite quanta
are quite large (stick sized) and unstable (lit).  Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage.  One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding.  A big bang indeed.

UP TO SCRATCH...

It's time for that annual rite of spring known as washing the cat.

Here is my scratchproof approach, perfected after years of practice on "The Monster." (The success of this technique is evidenced by my not having to visit the emergency room this year.)

Remove everything from the bathroom that is not nailed to the walls or the floor.  Fill the bathtub with warm water.  While gathering together towels, a timer, the flea shampoo and a blow dryer, you
must appear nonchalant.

Now quickly carry the cat into the Chamber of Torture and Horrors, slam the door behind you with your foot and plunge the cat into the bathtub.  The cat will become temporarily immobile from the shock of sudden immersion.

Swish the cat around the tub, and, in one smooth movement, haul the cat out of the tub and into the sink.

Lathering the cat is a race.  You must complete the task before the cat regains full consciousness.  It helps to keep spinning the cat while you lather it.  Before the cat can figure out what is going on, plunk it down onto the floor.

The shampoo bottle instructs you to wait five minutes before rinsing.  This gives the cat five minutes to work itself up.  After years of training you to be its doorman, the cat cannot understand why you refuse to obey its demand to go out.  Just when the cat has clearly had all that it is going to stand, it is time, according to the directions on the bottle, to rinse thoroughly.

Pick up the cat and plunge it back into the tub.  The cat will temporarily go back into shock.

Swish the cat around.  You are trying to rinse off shampoo that is made from chemicals siphoned off puddles at a toxic-waste dump. This takes a lot of swishing.  When it appears the cat is going to pass out, haul the cat out of the tub.

Half the water in the tub has been absorbed by the cat's hair, so the water must now be drained back into the tub.  Drain the cat by holding it under the tummy so that all four feet are hanging downward. The cat is semicomatose at this stage.  Unfortunately, the half that is conscious is totally deranged.  At the sound of the scream...which coincides with the cat realizing it is suspended in midair over the tub...PUT THE CAT DOWN on the floor.

Towel-dry only until you hear the first hiss.  The hiss indicates that the cat has regained consciousness.  Now, while you hold the blow dryer, chase back and forth after the cat until you are
thoroughly exhausted.

Then open the door.  The cat will spend the next five hours in the sun, licking every hair back in place.

This is followed by the cat coughing up hairballs onto the living room floor, thus signaling an end to the ritual for another year.

Can Cheetos really do this??

One morning this guy wakes up and notices his penis is orange...and I mean really ORANGE!  He goes into a slight panic and decides to contact his doctor.  The doctor immediately tells this guy to get down to his office right away.  After he has gotten into the doctor's office and into the examination room the doctor instructs him to remove his trousers and underwear.  To the doctor's amazement...this guy had a bright orange penis.  The doctor says, "I have never seen anything like this before.  Maybe you have had some kind of trauma happen to you recently?"  The guy answers with, "Well I did get a divorce recently."  The doctor asks if there was anything else. The guy adds, "Well I did also lose my job."  The doctor replies, "That is really sad...what are you doing with yourself lately?"  The guy answers, "Well not really anything much, just sitting around and renting XXX-videos and eatin' Cheetos..."

DARK CONSPIRACY INVOLVING ELECTRICAL POWER COMPANIES SURFACES

For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate.  The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpitrated upon the public by the power companies. The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light;  in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks.  A more  descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.

This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. That just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK...  scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!

The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark.  Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now.  There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range.  tHe larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark.  Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.

It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the sun.  Our sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space.  Naturally, the sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the sun.

Occassionally, the sun actually oversucks;  under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the sun.  Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space.  This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of
the sun.

As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device.  Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck.  This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... You have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.

A candle is a primitive darksucker.  A new candle has a white wick.  You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle.  It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet;  it can only collect dark.. It has no transmission capabilities.  Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.

There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights.  The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery.  When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate.  If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.

IF DR.SEUSS WAS A TECHNICAL WRITER

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a sauce,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!
 

Oopps, did I do that???

    Once upon a time there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.  He loved them, he adored them, he yearned for them.  But they always caused him a great deal of embarrassment shortly after eating them.  The reaction of his body to the beans was swift and terrible to behold.
     One day he met a girl and fell in love.  When it became apparent that they would marry, he realized she might be even more embarrassed and humiliated by his addiction to baked beans.  He decided to make the supreme sacrifice and give up his beloved baked beans.  A short time later they were married.
     Some months later, on his way home from work, his car broke down. He was not too far from home so he decided to leave the car and walk the rest of the way.  He passed a small roadside cafe and decided to call his wife and tell her that he would be late for supper.  As he entered the cafe, the smell of baked beans overwhelmed him.  He still had several miles to go, and decided that he could walk off any after-effects before reaching home.  Before he knew it, he had eaten three large plates of baked beans. Even as he left the cafe, the effects began to be felt. He pooted up a hill, and poot-pooted down the other side. As he grew closer to home, the frequency and forcefulness
diminished greatly, and he felt reasonably safe.
     Just as he reached his home, however, he felt a great rumbling inside and was seized with a terrible urgency.  As he waited just outside his front door to release one last effort, his wife threw open the door. She excitedly exclaimed, "Darling, I have made the most wonderful surprise dinner for you."  She blindfolded him and led him to his chair at the head of the table.  Just as she was ready to remove the blindfold, the phone rang.  She made him promise not to peek until she returned and went to answer the phone.
     When she had gone, he seized the opportunity, shifted his weight to one leg and loudly broke wind.  It was not only loud, but as ripe as a rotten egg.  He had a hard time breathing, so he took his napkin and began to fan the air about him.  He just started feeling better when he felt another urge.  He again raised one leg and let her rip.  It sounded like a tuba and smelled so bad that he started gagging.  He fanned until his arms ached.  Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another powerful urge.  He shifted his weight to the other leg and let go. This was the prize-winner.  The windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
     While keeping one ear on the conversation in the hallway, he continued like this for the next 15 or 20 minutes, fanning away each time with his napkin.  When the sounds of farewells indicated the end of the telephone conversation, he neatly laid his napkin in his lap and folded his hands on top of it.  Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife returned to the room.
     Apologizing for talking so long, she asked if he had peeked.  After assuring her that he had not, she removed the blindfold, revealing the dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!

THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA

(must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down  to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand . I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed.He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace unto you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I'm a gonna back to Italy.
 
20 for 16

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting  next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron" The man looks  round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! he hits a birdie. He's shocked.

He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog reply's "Ribbit, Lucky frog. Lucky frog."  The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole.  "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit Las Vegas".

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?"  The frog says , "Ribbit Roulette". Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks," what do you think I should bet?" The frog reply, "Ribbit $3000 black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot  that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what  the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.  He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."  The frog replies, "Ribbit, Kiss Me". He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog  turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".

Mistaken identity

    A young woman (several months pregnant) boarded a bus, and when she noticed a young man smiling she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.  She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.  She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing.  She had him arrested and when the case came before the court this was the man's reply when asked why he acted in such a manner.

     "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing her condition.  She sat under an advertisement which read 'Coming Soon, The Gold Dust Twins',   then she moved under 'Sloans Liniments remove Swelling'.  I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read 'William Stick Did The Trick'.  Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this
accident.'"

     He won the case.

PROGRAMMER'S PRAYER
 
Our program who art in memory, Hello be thy name.  Thy operating system come, thy commands be done, at the printer as it is on the screen.  Give us this day our daily data, and forgive us our I/O errors as we forgive those whose logic circuits are faulty.  Lead us not into frustration, and deliver us from power surges.  For thine is the algorithm, the application, and the solution, looping forever and ever.  Return.

                        "A ROUND TUIT"
                            ----------------
                          At long last we have
                       a  sufficient  quantity  for
                     each of  you to have  his own.
                   Guard  it  with  your  life.  These
                  tuits  have  been  hard  to come by.
                 especially   the   round   ones.  This
                 is   an    indispensible    item.    It
                 will   help   you   to  become  a  more
                 efficient   worker.    For   years   we
                  have  heard  people  say.   "I'll  do
                   this  as  soon  as  I  get a  round
                    tuit."   Now   that  you  have  a
                      round   tuit   many    things
                        needing accomplished will
                               get   done.

A Dog Named Sex

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog's license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex.  He said, "I'd like one, too!"

Then I said, "But this is a dog."

He said he didn't care what she looked like.

Then I said, "you don't understand.  I've had Sex since I was nine years old."

He winked at me and said, "You must have been quite a kid."

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me.  I told the hotel clerk I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, "You don't need a special room for Sex.  As long as you pay your bill, we don't care what you do."

I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand.  Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "Funny, I have the same problem."

Well, one day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog got loose and ran away.  Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking disappointed.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.

He said, "Wonderful!  If you sell tickets, you'll clean up!"

"But you don't understand," I said.  "I want to have Sex on TV."

He said, "They already have that on cable.  It's no big deal anymore."

Well, my wife and I decided to separate, so we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said to the judge, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married."

The judge said, "The court is not a confessional.  Please stick to the facts."

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, "Me, too."

Well, last night Sex ran away again, and I spent hours looking all over town  for him.

A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at four o'clock in the morning?"

I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up on Friday.

Types of sex

There are three types of sex that married people have. The first is room sex.  This is where the couple engages in sex in almost every room of the house at any time. this period is usually the first year that the couple is married. The second is Bed sex. This is where the couple engages in sex in bed usually before going to sleep or after waking up. This period last from the end of the first year till about five years after the couple is married. Then the couple enters the Hall sex phase. This is when they only pass one another in the hall and tell each other FUCK YOU.

STUFF HAPPENS

 > Taoism:        Shit happens
 > Confucianism:  Confucius say: "shit happens"
 > Buddhism:      If shit happens it's not really shit
 > Zen Buddhism:  What is the sound of shit happening?
 > Hinduism:      This shit happened before
 > Islam:         If shit happens it is the will of Allah
 > Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else
 > Catholicism:   If shit happens you deserve it
 > Judaism:       Why does shit always happen to us
 > Agnosticism    What is this shit!
 > Atheism        I don't believe this shit!

Happen to you???

 <Picard> "Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access their command pathways?"

 <Geordi>"Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology."

 <Geordi presses a  key, and a logo appears on the computer screen.>

 <Riker looks puzzled.> "What the hell is 'Microsoft'?"

 <Data turns to answer.> "Allow me to explain. We will send this program, for some reason called 'Windows', through the Borg command pathways. Once inside their root command unit, it will begin consuming system resources at an unstoppable rate."

 <Picard> "But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won't they alter their processing systems to increase their storage capacity?"

 <Data> "Yes, Captain. But when 'Windows' detects this, it creates a new version of itself known as an 'upgrade'. The use of resources increases exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt quickly enough. Eventually all of  their processing ability will be taken over and none will be available for their normal operational functions."

 <Picard> "Excellent work. This is even better than that 'unsolvable geometric shape' idea."

 . . . . 15 Minutes Later . . . .

 <Data>  "Captain, We have successfully installed the 'Windows' in the command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.  We however have not received any confirmation  of the expected 'upgrade'."

 <Geordi> "Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an 'upgrade' to compensate for their increase."

 <Picard>  "Data, scan the history banks again and determine if their is something we have missed."

 <Data>  "Sir, I believe their is a reason for the failure in the 'upgrade'.  Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending in their registration cards.

 <Riker>  "Captain we have no choice.  Requesting permission to begin emergency escape sequence 3F . . ."

 <Geordi, excited>  "Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has suddenly dropped to 0% !"

 <Picard>  "Data, what does your scanners show?"

 <Data>  "Apparently the Borg have found the internal 'Windows' module named 'Solitaire' and it has used up all the CPU capacity."

 <Picard>  "Lets wait and see how long this 'solitaire' can reduce their functionality."

 . . . .  Two Hours Pass  . . . .

 <Riker>  "Geordi what's the status on the Borg?"

 <Geordi>  "As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully increase resources I have setup our closest deep space monitor beacon to transmit more 'windows' modules from something called the 'Microsoft fun-pack'.

 <Picard> "How much time will that buy us ?"

 <Data>  "Current Borg solution rates allow me to predicate an interest time span of 6 more hours."

 <Geordi>  "Captain, another vessel has entered our sector."

 <Picard>  "Identify."

 <Data>  "It appears to have markings very similar to the 'Microsoft'  logo"

 <Over the speakers>  "THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT  FLAGSHIP MONOPOLY.  WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS SECTOR.  SURRENDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY  TROUBLE.  YOU HAVE 10 SECONDS"

 <Data>  "The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released thousands of humanoid shaped objects."

 <Picard>  "Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft"

 <Riker>  "Good God captain!  Those are humans floating straight toward the Borg ship with no life support suits !  How can they survive the tortures of deep space ?!"

 <Data>  "I don't believe that those are humans sir, if you will look closer I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by twenty-first century man as doe skin leather briefcases,
 and wearing Armani suits"

 <Riker and Picard together horrified>  "Lawyers !!"

 <Geordi>  "It can't be.  All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening."

 <Data>  "True, but apparently some must have survived."

 <Riker>  "They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all types of papers."

 <Data>  "I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as 'red tape', it often proves fatal."

 <Riker>  "They're tearing the Borg to pieces !"

<Picard>  "Turn off the monitors.  I can't stand to watch, not even the Borg deserve that."

THE END.