An old man went into the Social Security Office and filled out an application. He was too old to have a birth certificate, so he was asked to prove his age. He opened his shirt and showed them the gray hair on his chest.They accept that as proof, and give him his first check. He went home to his wife, showed her the check, and explained to her what had happened. She replied, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can also get disability!

Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

Ask any man, and he will tell you that a woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

A Lesson in High Finance

A rumpled man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the man-clearly an eccentric-hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The man replies, "Where else in New York can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?"

I'm a Senior Citizen

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening child-proof caps with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get where I'm going.
I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin , beano, antacid...
I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you are saying.
I'm very good at telling stories... over and over and over and over.
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care...
I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians...
I'm positive I did housework correctly before my mate retired.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy... and that's just my left leg.
I'm having trouble remembering simple words like...
I'm now spending more time with my pillows than my mate.
I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoking, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory...
I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
I'm going to reveal what goes on behind closed doors... absolutely nothing.
I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
I'm in the initial stage of the golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP...
I'm wondering... if you're only as old as you feel, how can I be alive at 150?
I'm supporting all movements now.... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the storeroom.
I'm a senior citizen and I think I am having the time of my life!!!

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional and other liberal bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I:

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

ARTICLE VI:

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VIII:

You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like; however, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world, and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE IX:

You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE X:

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an over abundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

If You Agree, We Strongly Urge You To Forward This To As Many People As You Can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish.

These Are Taken From Real Resumes & Cover Letters And Were Printed In The July 21, 1998, Issue Of Fortune Magazine:

1. I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
2. I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.
3. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
4. Wholly responsible for two(2) failed financial institutions.
5. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave
6. failed bar exam with relatively high grades
7. It's best for employers that I not work with people
8. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience.
9. You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
10. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
11. I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
12. Marital status: single: Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments
13. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
14. I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
15. I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
16. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
17. I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
18. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
19. As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
20. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
21. Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
22. Marital status: often. Children: various
23. Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
24. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
25. Finished eighth in my class of ten.
26. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me.

These Quotes Were Taken From Actual Performance Evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
3. I would not allow this employee to breed.
4. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.
5. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
6. When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
7. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
8. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
9. He sets low personal goals and then consistently fails to achieve them.
10. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
11. This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

These Are Actual Lines From Military Performance Appraisals Or OERs (Officers Efficiency Reports):

1. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.
3. A room temperature IQ.
4. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
5. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 6. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
7. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
8. Bright as Alaska in December.
9. One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests.
10. Donated his body to science before he was done using it.
11. Fell out of the family tree.
12. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
13. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
14. He is so dense, light bends around him.
15. If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
16. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
17. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
18. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
19. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
20. One neuron short of a synapse.
21. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
22. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
23. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

From The Year-End Performance Reviews:

1. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
2. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
3. He has been working with glue too much.
4. He would argue with a signpost.
5. He has a knack of making strangers immediately.
6. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves a room.
7. He and the CEO have something in common. They've both gone as far as they can in this company.
8. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

Signs Found in Kitchens

1. A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and believe you me, this kitchen is delirious.
2. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
3. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
4. If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.
5. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
6. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
7. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
8. A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
9. Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
10. Housework done properly can kill you.
11. Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives
12. My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.

Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?
"Yes it is," the man replies.
"You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks.
"No thanks," the man replies.
"I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues.
"OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies.
"TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.
The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.
"It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off.
"Yes it is," replies the man.
"Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks.
"OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.
"Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed.
The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch."
"I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy.
"How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.
"Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says.
SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness, the father explains as he hauls the child away.
At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?"
"Don't you start that shit again," the priest says...

Tips for traveling in the South

1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
3. Remember: "Ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't understand you either.
6. "Mom'n'em" is not one person. When someone asks, "How's your Mom'n'em?" They are referring to the whole family.
7. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
8. If you hear a southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
9. When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned to drive while road hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
10. Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
11. Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
12. Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
13. Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.
14. Grapefruit is not a substitute for biscuits and gravy.
15. Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon isn't.
16. Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on the Ark.
17. If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some southerners view that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
18. Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
19. "Ya'll come back now, ya here," is a temporary statement. We love Yankees to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.
20. If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except or serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.
A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?". The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the Other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do ! Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say,'How about a blow job?'......and she's always sound asleep."

HELP LINE

If you can't laugh about this you need help.... This is a true story from the Word Perfect help line. Needless to say the help desk employee was fired; however, the person is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "termination without cause". This is from the taped conversation leading up to dismissal:
"Word Perfect Technical Desk, may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word Perfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in Word Perfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type!"
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV."
"Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
"Yes, I think so."
"Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
".......Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
"Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENTS CONTEST IN THE "NEW WOMAN MAGAZINE"

> (Remember, this is a real contest, not something made up) FOUR TOP WINNERS 1. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now", she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.
-Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia
2. It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family, aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.
-Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York
3. One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "TAMPAX" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
4. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office, he was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and he returned to the classroom, where he sat down in his seat. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school..."

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed.
"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.
"Never better."
The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?"
"Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,' ..and he sat up all night watching me."

A mother and father take their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that many of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mother's so he told his mother just that. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. His mother replied, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."
Again satisfied with her answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again, and promptly tells his mother: "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."