The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
One day a policeman stopped a motorist who had just gone through a four way stop sign and was about togive him a ticket when the motorist said.
"Officer you can't give me a ticket for that!'
"Why not" said the officer.
"Because although I did not stop I slowed right down and its almost the same."
"But you did not stop" replied the officer, "and the sign says STOP."
"But the way was clear and it was safe" replied the motorist. The officer then pulls out his batton and starts hitting the motorist.
"What are you doing!" yells the motorist in surprise.
"Do you want me to slow down or stop" says the officer.
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the GameWarden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started runningthrough the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.
After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch hisbreath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin'license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to runfrom me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED
On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL they play a game for prizes, usually vacations andsuch, called "Mate atch."
The DJ's ring someone at work and ask if they are married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then thisperson is asked 3 very personal questions that vary from couple to couple and also asked for theirsignificant others name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly then they are winners.
This particular day (12-9-98) it got interesting:
DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match?"
Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do.
DJ: What is your name? First only please.
Contestant: Brian
DJ: Are you married, or what, Brian?
Brian: Yes.
DJ: "Yes?" Does this mean your are married, or what, Brian?
Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes, I am married.
DJ: Thank you, Brian. OK, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian.
Brian: Sara.
DJ: Is Sara at work, Brian?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work?
Brian: (laughing) Yes, she is.
DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: She is gonna kill me.
DJ: BRIAN, stay with me here, man.
Brian: About 8 o'clock this morning.
DJ: Atta boy.
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well.
DJ: Number 2: How long did it last?
Brian: About 10 minutes.
DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake.
Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice.
DJ: OK. Final question: Where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning?
Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm.
DJ: This sounds good, Brian. Where was it?
Brian: Not that it was all that great just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time.
DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy!
Brian: On the kitchen table.
DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (toaudience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.
(Advertisements)
DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara shall we? (touch tones ringing)
Clerk: Kinko's.
DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere?
Clerk: This is she.
DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now.
Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours?
DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose. Soooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match?"
Sara: No
DJ: Good.
Brian: (laughing)
Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to?
Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, OK?
Sara: Oh, Brian.
DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara, I will now ask you 3 questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said then the 2 of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World, SeaWorld and tickets to see the Orlando Magic play. Get it, Sara? Sara, get it? Orlando Magic. Theyare on strike, Sara. Helloooooo, anyone home?
Sara: (laughing hard) Yes, yes.
rian: (laughing)
DJ: All right, when did you have sex last, Sara?
Sara: Oh God, Brian. This morning before Brian went to work.
DJ: What time?
Sara: About 8, I think.
(sound effect) DING DING DING
DJ: Very good. Next question: How long did it last?
Sara: 12 - 15 minutes, maybe.
DJ: Hmm.
Background voice in studio: That's close enough. I am sure she is trying not to harm his manhood.
DJ: Well, we will give you that one. Last question: Where did you do it?
Sara: Oh my God, Brian. You did not tell them, did you?
Brian: Just tell him, Honey !
DJ: What is bothering you so much, Sara?
Sara: Well, it's just, just that my mom is vacationing with us and...
DJ: She saw?
Sara: Brian!!!
Brian: No, no, I didn't.
J: Ease up there, sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer?
Sara: Dear Lord, I cannot believe you told them this.
Brian: Come on, Honey, it's for a trip to Florida.
DJ: Let's go, Sara. We ain't got all day. Where did you do it?
Sara: In the ass.
(long pause)
DJ: We will be right back.
(advertisements)
DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. Anyway,Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.
The Wedding
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. The carpenter figured sawing the slats on their bed off would give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire the bed with alternating current, of course. The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:
DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCKWAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK BUT, I SWEAR BY GOD ALMIGHTY, I'M GOING TO KILLWHOEVER PUT NOVOCAINE IN THE K-Y JELLY!!!!
Technology for Country Folk
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful gittin the far wood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gittin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchiebag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18 KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whutya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the rat hole.
You Might Be From A Small Town If.........
1. You can name everyone you graduated with.
2. You know what 4-H is.
3. You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.
4. You used to drag "main."
5. You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.
6. You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers,since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't---same goes with the game warden.
7. You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.
8. School gets canceled for state sporting events.
9. It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.
10. You had senior skip day.
11. You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.
12. Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.
13. The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty", but is actually just like your town.
14. Getting paid minimum wage is considered a raise.
15. You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.
16. Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.
17. You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.
18. Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.
19. Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference.
0. Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.
21. Weekend excitement involves a trip to a Wal-Mart. 22. Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.
23. You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.
24. Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.
25. Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.
26. You can charge at all the local stores.
27. It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.
28. You can drive golf carts, 4 wheelers, and go carts in town.
9. When someone gets pulled over the whole town drives by at least twice.
30. Everyone else hears it on their scanners.
31. You have ever partied with a guy who is 25, has no job, but is the'buyer' for all of the best parties.
32. Almost everyone in your school also has a cousin in your school.
33. Your only newspaper was a weekly.
34. It doesn't take much to amuse you.
35. Your first smoke was straw out in the barn.
36. Your summer swimming was often done in a pond or a gravel pit.
37. You never waited long at stop lights, but regularly waited 15 minutes at the railroad crossings.
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: "I don't fucking think so."
This letter was submitted to the IRS in the midst of a common year of weird and bizarre denials -- it speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying me the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my "1994 Federal Tax Return".
Thank you. I have questioned for years whether these are my children or not. They have been a very expensive burden. And since you are denying my deduction, I guess this year they are yours.
As they are minors and no longer my responsibility, it's only fair that the government (who evidently is taxing me more to care for them) should know something about them and what to expect over the next year.
After next year, if you decide to reinstate my deduction, you may apply to reassign them back to me.
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school. Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy. While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, and in theface of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future.
Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one -- his eyes are too close together for normal people. Who knows, he may be a tax examiner himself one day if you do not incarcerate him first. In February I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were toilet papering houses. By the way, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to your processing center in Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is now purple. Whether it's permanent dye, temporary dye, I'm not sure. But like me, I guess you'll have to learn to deal with it. There will be plenty of time as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a foodfight. Once they let him back, I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is a house full of testosterone and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones (I'm sure that you will find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement, and be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!!).
Heather, the youngest, is probably an alien. I suspect she slid through a time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyedclothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's.
Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset her remedial reading courses since "Hooked On Phonics" was so expensive the schools dropped it. You can buy it yourself for half the amount of thededuction that you are denying! With Heather, it's quite obvious that we were terrible parents -- ask the oldest two, as they have helped raise this one to a new level of terror. I'm not certain that she can speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious language she fashioned out of valleygirls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political doublespeak. I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It's added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of "nests" in her room and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what is really in there.
Since you denied my deductions for two of these three exemptions, it is only fair you get to pick which two you want. I personally would prefer that you take the youngest. Although I will still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but afterwards, I am free! If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for parent counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you instead decide to take the two girls, then I won'tfeel so bad about sending Patrick to military school.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax.
Yours truly,
Bob
** The taxpayer in question added this caveat at a later date:
"Rats, did you have to send me the refund and allow the deductions, cause now I'm stuck with the kids."
DOCTORS NOTES ON PATIENTS CHARTS: (ACTUAL NOTES-UNEDITED!)
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a yea
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disapeared completely. 3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. X, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
32. Patient appears responsive, but unable to communicate with me.
33. Bladder is under control, but cannot stop urine from seeping.
34. Heart problem is fixed. Patient died at 10:07 this morning.
35. Complains of chest pain occasionally. Otherwise just a pain.
36. Patient is always telling me about her pains and problems. This remains a significant pain to me.
37. The blood work up showed no antibodies present. Need the rest of the blood to be sure, however.
38. If it weren't for the fact that the patient is dead, I would say he was in perfect health.
39. Testicles are missing on this woman.
Here are a few examples of Before and After you fall In love:
Before - You take my breath away
After - I feel like I'm suffocating
Before - Twice a night
After - Twice a month
Before - She says she loves the way I take control of a situation
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac
Before - Lucy and Ricky
After - Fred and Ethyl
Before - Saturday Night Fever
After - Monday Night Football
Before - Don't stop
After - Don't start
Before - Is that all your having?
After - Maybe you should have just a salad, honey
Before - Its like I'm living In a dream
After - Its like he lives In a dorm
Before - $60/doz.
After - $1.50/stem
Before - Turbo charged
After - Jump start
Before - We agree on everything
After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own?
Before - Victoria's Secret
After - Fruit of the Loom
Before - Charming and Noble
After - Chernobyl
Before - Feathers and handcuffs
After - Ball and chain
Before - Idol
After - Idle
Before - I love a woman with curves
After - I never said you were fat
Before - He's completely lost without me
After - Why won't he ever ask for directions?
Before - Time stood still
After - This relationship Is going nowhere
Before - Croissant and cappuccino
After - Bagel and instant
Before - You look so seductive In black
After - Your clothes are so depressing
Before - Oysters
After - Fishsticks
Before - I can hardly believe we found each other
After - I can't believe I ended up with someone like you
Before - Passion
After - Ration
Before - Once upon a time
After - The end
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are "The Seven Dwarfs", they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack. "Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?" Dopey asks,
"Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?" The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers. "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome." In the
background a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?" The Pope, puzzled now,
again thinks for a moment and then answers "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe." This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world." The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting.............. "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of
enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law, (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we
need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change
of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1.
If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the only "A" given.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
-On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
-On a bag of Fritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special)
-On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how . . .?)
-On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's *just* a suggestion.)
-On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
-On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day . . . )
-On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save more time?)
-On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
-On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
-On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
-On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
-On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(Talk about a newsflash.)
-On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
-On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere? !)
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for employment outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the program is called SCREW. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once,
SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate. If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to Get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company. Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job see your
immediate supervisor. YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.
A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field." About 10 minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet." The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear almost stepped on me and then breathed down my neck. But when the two-chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said "Should we eat them here or take them with us?" I panicked...
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. Cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are.
*I'm* going to set the garage on fire."
Inspirational Office Posters:
----------------------------------
If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings-they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
ABANDON ALL HOPE, YE WHO ENTER HERE.....
We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2 days without a Human Rights Violation!
If at first you don't succeed - try management.
It's only unethical if you get caught.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never quit until you have another job.
Work harder slaves!
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
If you can read this, you're not working!
Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Go the extra mile - It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
Pride, commitment, teamwork - words we use to get you to work for free.
Succeed in spite of management.
Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't work here anymore.