TRUE STORY: HOW ABOUT TACO BELL?
This girl was really in a hurry one day so she just stopped off at a Taco Bell and got a Chicken soft taco and ate it on the way home.
That night she noticed her jaw was kind of tight and swollen. The next day it was a little worse so she went to her doctor. He said she just
had an allergic reaction to something and gave her some cream to rub on her jaw to help. After a couple of days the swelling had just gotten worse and she could hardly move her jaw. She went back to her doctor to see what was wrong.
Her doctor had no idea so he started to run some tests. They scrubbed out the inside of her mouth to get tissue samples and they also took some saliva samples. Well, they found out what was wrong.
Apparently her chicken soft taco had a pregnant roach in it, then she ate it --- the eggs then some how got into her saliva glands and well, she
was incubating them. They had to remove a couple a layers of her inner mouth to get all the eggs out. If they hadn't figured out what was going on, the
eggs would have hatched inside the lining of her mouth ! ! ! ! !
She's suing Taco Bell! Of course.
If you need to find out more about this, it's in the November 19th issue of the New York Times. If you still want Taco Bell after this one,
you're really brave.
Some good thoughts for the day..........
1. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel.
2. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go.
3. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
4. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
5. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone-but it takes a lifetime to forget someone.
6. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
7. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do.
8. Always put yourself in the other's shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.
9. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless.
10. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
11. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a tear. When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was
smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one smiling and everyone around you is crying.
Deep Thought: Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
*********
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer." the man began, "I can explain".
"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying. On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.
The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem,
but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal
is dead. Come reset it."
You know where the button is." I protested through the shower (pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"
"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."
So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.
I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.
At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.
Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option.
Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.
When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.
At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"
If they had only known.
Makes you wonder if there really is Military Intelligence
It appears that people like us aren't the only ones who deal with the arrogant. This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US Naval ship with the Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I SAY again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: NO.....I say again. You divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND
THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a Lighthouse......its your call.
The Top 100 Reasons McDonald's is better than Submarines(I wish I could laugh at this, but, as my life would have it, most of it is true!!!!)
1) No McORSE
2) If you have to take a piss, you can go take a piss. No questions asked.
3) You'll never have to go port and starboard on the fryer.
4) Better pay.
5) The f**king sun.
6) Air.
7) The boxes of food at McDonald's aren't stamped "Rejected by Hardee's" or "Not fit for human consumption".
8) The ability to call in sick.
9) The ability to quit.
10) McDonald's doesn't get their uniforms from the same company as the state penitentary.
11) McDonald's doesn't deploy.
12) They have actual janitors.
13) No McDrills.
14) The grill breaks, you CALL someone to fix it.
15) At least your boss accepts that he's a clown.
16) No McResin Discharge.
17) No all night hydro on the fryer.
18) One word: overtime.
19) Every day is slider day!
20) At McDonald's, you will never, EVER, worry about being put in prison for ten years because you told your wife what the secret sauce is.
21) They pay you for training.
22) You'll never die a horrible, excruciating death from the crush depth implosion of a McDonald's.
23) No steam piping.
24) No time at McDonald's will you hear your boss give a thirty minute dissertation over the P.A. on the importance of being at the register 15 minutes early.
25) They won't ask you about Taco Bell operations on the advancement test.
26) You get to leave work EVERY day at the end.
27) McDonald's will eventually fire the really stupid employees.
28) two words: Happy Meals.
29) McDonald's doesn't look like a big black turd.
30) Grimace don't do Vulcan Death Watches.
31) McDonald's has a slide out back.
32) To do something at McDonald's, you look at the color coded chart, not OP umpty-squat, chapter whatever, reference 3,ACN B, rev 17.
33) If McDonald's catches fire, you LEAVE.
34) No McSmall Valve Maintenance.
35) No McCOB.
36) Leaving McDonald's in an emergency doesn't require a steinke hood and a lot of praying.
37) The coffee's better.
38) Someone else makes the water.
39) You don't have to live there to work there.
40) The only cones come from the ice cream machine.
41) McDonald's doesn't go into drydock. (again and again)
42) ALL the tests are multiple choice.
43) Their TV commercials are a lot cooler.
44) Three words: Sea Foam Green.
45) Stock in McDonald's is worth something. The Navy is a part of an operation that is 6 trillion dollars in the hole.
46) Special sauce isn't "hand made".
47) No McBilges to clean.
48) Opening for business doesn't require a full day of preparations and everyone to show up for a brief at 0230.
49) Three words: Stupid a$$ hats.
50) Personnel inspection requirements are written on the door. (No shirt, no shoes, no service)
51) At McDonald's, dislocating your shoulder is not considered getting the good deal.
52) McDonald's never had an accident that cause a person to be stuck to the ceiling impaled on a french fry. (ie. No Mc-SL1)
53) Because you deserve a break today.
54) Even the little Hamburglar is cooler than a goat.
55) Mayor McCheese doesn't wield a righteous thumb of indignation.
56) You can choose which McDonald's you want to work at.
57) If you want to buy your boss a beer, that's okay.
58) If you want to tell your boss to f**k off and just die f***ing die, that's okay too.
59) There is no Uniform Code of McDonald's Justice to deal with.
60) The news comes from USA Today, not Ric Crawford, GS-12.
61) No one will rack you out at 2 in the morning to start the grill.
62) Chances of you getting called back after you get off work are pretty damn slim.
63) Putting the pickle on the hamburger doesn't require an QA-34 and a signature to be used against you in a court of law, should they want you.
64) The only guy in a silly yellow suit is Ronald.
65) How many McDonald's were sunk in WWII?
66) Fixing the register doesn't require a rubber room and a rope man.
67) Nothing on the menu contains the phrases, "Horse cock" or "baboon a$$".
68) At McDonald's, the riders would have to leave at closing time.
69) $2.99 is a meal price, not a daily wage at McDonald's.
70) You don't have to go single register operations if someone spills a Coke.
71) McDonald's doesn't require a 24 hour Shutdown Register Operator and McRoving Watch.
72) McDonald's doesn't call your house at 5:30 in the morning blaring some god-awful atiquated song about a bugler just to wake you up.
73) No McRadcon.
74) At McDonald's, your boss will never make you drive him around for two and a half months so he can spy on Wendy's.
75) You will never be locked in for 24 hours pretending to operate everything. (ie no McFastcruise)
75.5) You don't have to come in to work at 7:00 only to wait around for an hour waiting for your boss to tell you things you already know.
76) At McDonald's you will never hear, "Shake machine troubleshooting team, and all off watch drinkmakers, lay aft."
77) No McGMT.
78) At McDonald's you don't have to route a 1250 for a new stack of cups.
79) If you burn a hamburger they won't take away half a month's pay for two months and restrict you to the playground.
80) Knowledge of the material of construction and variable operating characteristics of the grill are not prerequisites for operation.
81) You don't have to take apart the shake machine once a quarter just because.
82) You don't have to share your bed with two coworkers.
83) You don't have to shave off your goatee when the district manager comes.
84) At McDonald's, when the toilet clogs, you don't rig pressurized air to the $h!tter.
85) You don't have to shut everything off and call in the last shift to start the grill.
86) Early in the morning, you don't cycle the drink machine on and off just for practice.
87) You scrub the floors because it's dirty, not because it's Wednesday.
88) There is almost always plenty of parking. If not, drive through.
89) Don't like what you got? Take it back.
90) You don't have to take a turbidity prior to putting a new catsup dispenser on service.
91) Failure of the warming oven door to open is not a panic causing event. It will also not preclude you from starting another fryer or pulling the fries out of the vat due to interlock.
92) No Mc-HPACs.
93) No one hates it so bad they refer to it simply as "The Mac".
94) No 16 hour days at McDonald's prototype making burgers in the middle of the desert for no one.
95) If you wipe up a catsup spill at McDonald's, you don't have to let it dry before you throw it away.
96) They won't secure one of the register operators to keep track of the people going into Burger King.
97) You don't have to have permission from the Manager, Assistant Manager, and Register Operator before going into the freezer.
98) At McDonald's, the toilet paper stays in the bathroom, not on the dinner table.
99) You don't have to completely undress to pinch a loaf.
100) ALL of the articles of the Constitution apply to you at McDonald's.
From "American Demographics" magazine:
Here's a look at how shrewd American business people translate their slogans into foreign languages:
When Braniff translated a slogan touting its upholstery, "Fly in leather," it came out in Spanish as "Fly naked."
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read as"Suffer from diarrhea."
Chicken magnate Frank Perdue's line, "It takes a tough man to make a tender chicken," sounds much more interesting in Spanish: "It takes a
sexually stimulated man to make a chicken affectionate."
When Vicks first introduce its cough drops on the german market, they were chagrined to learn that the german pronunciation of "v" is f - which
in german is the gutteral equivalent of "sexual penetration."
Not to be outdone, Puffs tissues tried later to introduce its product, only to learn that "Puff" in german is a colloquial term for a whorehouse. The English weren't too fond of the name either, as it's a highly derogatory term for a non-heterosexual.
The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. "No va" means "it doesn't go" in Spanish.
When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life" pretty literally.
The slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back from the Grave."
When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant "Bite the wax tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that mean "Happiness in the mouth."
A hair products company, Clairol, introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that mist is slang for manure.
Not too many people had use for the manure stick.
When Gerber first started selling baby food in africa, they used the same packaging as here in the USA - with the cute baby on the label. Later they
found out that in Africa companies routinely put pictures on the label of what's inside since most people can't read.
29 reasons it's great to be a man
1) Your a$$ is never a factor in a job interview
2) Your orgasms are real. Always.
3) Your last name stays put.
4) The garage is all yours.
5) Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
6) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
7) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy a$$ every night.
8) Chocolate is just another snack.
9) You can be president.
10) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
11) Foreplay is optional.
12) You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
13) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
14) You don't give a rat's a$$ if someone notices your new haircut.
15) The world is your urinal.
16) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
17) You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky'.
18) Same work...more pay.
19) Wrinkles add character.
20) You don't have to leave the room to make emergency pantyhose adjustments.
21) Wedding Dress: $2000; Tux rental: $100.
22) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
23) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
24) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
25) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
26) New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
27) Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
28) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
29) One mood, all the time.
Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The '90s:
1. You try to enter your PIN or password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you to ask: "Do you wanna go get a beer?" and he replies: "Yeah, give me five minutes".
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider the U.S. Mail painfully slow and/or call it "snail mail".
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are:
When you've got a few minutes...
Could you fit this in...?
...in your spare time
...when you've got a moment
I know you're busy but...
I have an opportunity for you
32. Vacation time is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes around because someone you DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WORKED THERE is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving'collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers".
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
A man met a beautiful girl and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together. In the morning, before he
left, he told the girl that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment."
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250
and enclosed a note:
"Dear Madam: Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon
because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat;
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large. Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent back the following reply:
"Dear Sir: First of all, I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the
heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord.
Adult Questions/Answers
Q. What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
A: 1 U.S. leader
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed.?????
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT - we're closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
A. K9P.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky's cheeks so puffy?
A: She's withholding evidence.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
When you have had one of those
"TAKE THIS JOB AND SHOVE IT" days, try this.
On your way home after work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the section where they have thermometers. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by "Q-tip." Be very sure that you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the drapes, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a sweat suit and lie down on yourbed. Open the package containing the thermometer and remove the thermometer and carefully place it on the bed side table so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Take the written material that accompanies the thermometer and as you read it you will notice in small print the statement that *every rectal thermometer made by Q-tip is PERSONALLY tested.
Now close your eyes and say out loud five times,
"I am so glad that I do not work in quality control at the Q-tip Company."
It works!
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done.
When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed
a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different
parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake,and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued...
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."
Last week I took some friends out to a restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. I then looked around the room and saw that all the wait persons had a spoon in their pocket.
When the waiter came back to check on our order I asked: "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84% more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 1.5 man-hours per shift."
As we finished talking, a metallic sound was heard from behind me. Quickly, the waiter replaced the dropped spoon with the one in his pocket and said: "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed. The waiter continued taking our order and while my guests ordered, I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their fly.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter: "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned, also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of ...you know... we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent"
"Okay, that makes sense, but... if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."
This email apparently originated from a young kid who sent it to AETC wanting to know how to prepare himself for a future career as a fighter jock. Can you imagine?
To LtCol Van Wickler:
Sir,
I am DJ Baker and I would appreciate it if you could tell me what it takes to be an F16 fighter pilot of the USAF. What classes should I take in high school to help the career I want to take later in my life? What could I do to get in the academy?
Sincerely
DJ Baker
From: Van Wickler Kenneth, Lt Col, HQ AETC
Anybody want to help this poor kid from Cyberspace? "Vee Dub"
A worldly and jaded C130 Pilot, Maj Hunter Mills rose to the task!!
Dear DJ,
Obviously, through no fault of your own, your young, impressionable brain has been poisoned by the superfluous, hyped-up, "Top Gun" media portrayal of fighter pilots. Unfortunately, this portrayal could not be further from the truth. In my experience, I've found most fighter pilots pompous, back-stabbing, momma's boys with inferiority complexes, as well as being extremely over-rated aeronautically. However, rather than dash your budding dreams of becoming an USAF pilot, I offer the following alternative: What you REALLY want to aspire to is the exciting, challenging, and rewarding world of TACTICAL AIRLIFT. And this, young DJ, means one thing....the venerable, workhorse, THE C-130!
I can guarantee no fighter pilot can brag that he has led a 12-ship formation down a valley at 300 ft above the ground, with the navigator leading the way, and trying to interpret a 9-line to a new DZ, avoiding pop-up threats, and coordinating with AWACS, all while eating a box lunch, with the engineer in the back taking a piss and the loadmaster puking in his trash can! I tell you, DJ, TAC Airlift is where it's at!
Where else is it legal to throw tanks, HMMWVs, and other crap out the back of an airplane, and not even worry about it when the chute doesn't open and it torpedoes the General's staff car! No where else can you land on a 3000' dirt strip, kick a bunch of ammo and stuff off the ramp without even stopping, then take off again before range control can call to tell you you've landed on the wrong LZ!
And talk about exotic travel - when C-130s go somewhere, they GO somewhere (usually for 3 months, unfortunately). This gives you the opportunity to immerse yourself in the local culture enough to give any natives a bad taste in their mouths re the USAF and Americans in general, not
something those strat-lift pilots can do from their airport hotel rooms!
As far as recommendations for your course of study, I offer these: Take a lot of math courses. You will need all the advanced math skills you can muster to enable you to calculate per diem rates around the world, when trying to split up the crew's bar tab so that the co-pilot really believes he owes 85% of the whole thing and the nav believing he owes the other 20. Health sciences are important, too. You will need a thorough knowledge of biology to make those educated guesses of how much longer you can drink beer before the tremendous case of the shits catches up to you from that meal you ate at that place that had the belly dancers in some God-forsaken foreign country whose name you can't even pronounce! Social studies are also beneficial. It is important for a good TAC Airlifter to have the cultural knowledge to be able to ascertain the exact location of the nearest titty bar in any country in the world, then be able to convince the local authorities to release the loadmaster after he offends every sensibility of the local religion and culture.
A foreign language is helpful, but not required. You will never be able to pronounce the names of the NAVAIDs in France, and it's much easier to ignore them and go where you want to anyway. As a rule of thumb: Waiters and bellhops in France are always called "Pierre", in Spain it's "Hey, Pedro" and in Italy, of course, it's "Mario." These terms of address also serve in other countries interchangeably, depending upon the level of the addressee. A study of geography is also paramount. You will need to know the basic location of all the places you've been when you get back from your TDY and are ready to stick those little pins in that huge world map you've got taped to you living room wall, right next to that gigantic wooden giraffe statue and beer stein collection.
Well, DJ, I hope this little note inspires you. And by the way, forget about that Academy thing. All TAC Airlifters know that there are waaay too few women and too little alcohol there to provide a well-balanced education. A nice, big state college would be a much better choice.
Good luck and see you on the SKE scope!
Maj. Hunter Mills
TOP 25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE ALREADY GROWN UP
1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff,'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, diet Pepsi & Ho-Ho's.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. (GEEZES! and I was doing SO GOOD!)
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
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Top 20 Things To Do at Wal-mart/Kmart/Target while your spouse is taking his/her sweet time!
1. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!"
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with Pokemon vs. the X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."
17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"
20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume "It's those voices again!"
21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
22. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
Have A Wonderful Holiday Season!