New element discovered by Navy Engineers

Disassociated Press

Honolulu, HI-The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by Engineering Duty Officers at the Staff of the Commander in Chief, U.S. Pacific Fleet. The new element, named Regionalmaintainium, has no protons, or electrons, and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together in a nuclear by a force that involves the continuous exchange of particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Regionalmaintainiun is totally inert. However, it can be detected chemically since it impedes almost every reaction it comes into contact with. According to its discoverers, a tiny amount of Regionalmaintainiun caused a reaction between Surfacemaintainiun and Submaintainium take over four days to complete, the normal reaction time is less than one second. The new element was also combined the Airmaintainiun. However, there was no reaction at all, even after application of an extremely strong catalyst known at TQLide. Efforts are continuing and its discoverers are still hopeful.

Regionalmaintainium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places an produce more morons. Studies have shown that the atomic mass usually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Regionalmaintainium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as Maintenance Centers and Staffs in the Northwest, Southwest, Hawaii and Western Pacific. It is always found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings amongst old and dilapidated building that seem to resist all attempts at demolition.

Scientists point out that Regionalmaintainium is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Regionalmaintainium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

WARNING: DUE TO THE STATUS OF THIS ELEMENT AND ITS ABILITY TO REORGANIZE ITSELF, THIS ELEMENT HAS ESCAPED THE CONFINES OF THE US NAVY AND IS COMING TO A CORPORATION NEAR YOU.