DO IT YOURSELF GUIDE TO:

HOW TO SIMULATE SUBMARINE LIFE AT HOME

 1. a.  Surround yourself with a few people you don't like.
    b.  Close all windows and doors tightly, close curtains.
 2. Seal any openings to outside world with proper vault.
 3. Unplug all radios and televisions to cut yourself off completely from news, football games,
    Saturday Night Live,  Muppet Show, etc.
 4. Hourly monitor all operating home appliances, if not in use log as secured.
 5. If using bathroom, do not flush toilet for first two days to simulate smell of blowing sanitaries and
    venting inboard.  Then flush daily.
 6. Wear only approved FBM coveralls, or proper navy uniform.  No hats, special T-shirts, etc.
 7. Cut your hair once a week, ensuring that you make it look like hell.
 8. Work in 18 hour day intervals to ensure your body really gets confused.
 9. Listen to the same cassette over and over until you can't stand it anymore and then put in one
    you can't even listen to without acute nausea setting in.
10. Set alarm to go off just as you fall asleep, with alarm set at loud or buy a special alarm with
    various settings. (i.e. "Man Battle Stations, Fire, Flooding in the Basement")
11. Prepare food with a blindfold to simulate what real submarine cooks do.  Then take blindfold
    off and try to get your dog to eat it.  Then break out a can of tuna, or peanut butter.
12. Cut your bed in half, and enclose all but one side using the dimensions of a small casket as a
    reference.  When not in bed, make up blankets properly so no one will ever see or care.
13. Periodically, for want of excitement, open main power breaker and run around yelling "Reactor
    Scram", until you are sweating profusely, then restore power.
14. Buy yourself a snorkel mask and again just for want of nothing else to do, put it on and pretend
    you're in a smoke filled room with no way out.  For added variety hook up garden hose and
    pressurize.
15. To enable yourself to handle anything, constantly study wiring diagrams, and operating
    instructions for various home appliances (stove, refrigerator, can opener).  For no reason at
    all, at specified intervals (monthly, weekly, etc.) tear one apart just in case it was going to break.
16. Paint everything around you gray (navy FSN gray, no substitutes) or off white (puke green
    prefered).
17. To be sure you are living in a clean and happy environment, every Friday set alarm on loud for
    a short but hatted drill sound, then get up and manned with only a bucket and sponge and greeny,
    clean one area over and over, even if it was already spotless.  Then make out discrepancy list.
18. Once a day, after normal programming hours, plug in TV and watch one (1) movie being careful
    that it is (a) at least 5 years old, (b) made long enough prior to showing to be sure that you've seen
    it at least once before or (c) be so bad that you have to install a seat belt in your chair to keep you
    there until it is over.
19. Since no doctor will be available, stockpile bandaids, aspirin and actifed these are proven
    cure-alls.  Practice if necessary on your dog (surgery, dentistry, death).
20. When commencing this test simulation, lock your family, friends, and anything that means
    anything to you outside.  Test will run for at least 2 months with no end in sight.

                           IF YOU CAN DO THIS, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. 1