Life
in Cyberspace
To the tune of the theme
from Giligan's Island:
Just sit right back and you'll
hear a tale
about my virtual trip.
It started from my IBM
with a simple little click.
I tried to surf the Internet
but things did not go well.
I wound up in a chat room
with some cyber geeks from
hell.
They won't shut up
I can't escape
this AOL nightmare.
If I sign up to prodigy
I bet they'd find me there.
(Those geeks are everywhere.)
I'm stuck inside the World
Wide Web
with weirdos I don't know.
I hit F1,
unplug the phone,
I can't click out
I can't click in.
It said...SIT CHAT...
Oh my god!
I'm trapped on the Internet!
You Know You're Hooked When.....
You start introducing yourself
as "lord at pacbell dot com".
Your wife drapes a wig over
your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
You check your mail. It says
NO NEW MESSAGES. So you check it again.
Your phone bill is delivered
in a box.
You name your children Eudora,
Mozilla, and Dotcom.
All of your friends have an
@ in their names.
You tell the cab driver you
live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html.
You get a tattoo that says
"This body best viewed with NETSCAPE 3.01".
You never have to deal with
busy signals because you never log off.
You ask a plumber how much
it would cost to replace
the chair in front of your
computer with a toilet.
You start tilting your head
sideways whenever you smile :-).
Your spouse says communication
is important in a marriage,
so you buy another computer
and install another phone line so
that the two of you can chat.
As your car crashes through
the guardrail on a mountain road,
your first instinct is to search
for the 'back' button.
Your computer goes down, you
haven't logged in for two hours.
You start to tremble.
You pick up the phone and dial
your
Internet access number.
You try to mimic computer noise
in order to connect........
And You Succeed!
Prayer for the Addicted
God, grant me the serenity
To accept a post I cannot change.
Courage to walk past the computer
WITHOUT
turning it on when I'm running
late for work.
And the wisdom to know the
difference between
"Come to bed now" meaning "let's
have some fun"
and "come to bed NOW"
MEANING
"that computer has got to go!"
YESTERDAY
Yesterday.....
All those backups seemed a
waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly......
There's not half the files
there used to be,
And there's a milestone
Hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday.....
The need for back-ups seemed
so far away.
I knew my data was all here
to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
You Know You're Addicted When....
You meet your best friend for
lunch.
She says something funny.
You say: "LOL" or "LMAO"
While cleaning the kitchen
counter with the dishcloth,
you glance up at the window,
see a fly on it,
and think it's the cursor moving
with your mouse.
Your dreams and nightmares
are somehow...different
...they are...in TEXT!
Even though you finally turned
off your computer
in order to pay attention to
some grossly neglected housework,
when a neighbor rings your
doorbell,
you find yourself wondering
who just signed on.
Your children need to wrestle
you to the floor
and pry the mouse out of your
hand with a crowbar .
Food is splashed at least three
places on your keyboard
and/or monitor - you have had
almost as many meals with your
buds in chat rooms as you've
had with your family at the dinner table.
That much-anticipated party
you were invited to....
the one you bought that pricey
outfit for?
You don't go - afterall, all
your buds are online tonight!
It's time to start to make
dinner.
You tell your family you're
just going to quickly check your e-mail
.....2 hours later, you find
them munching Cheerios in front of the television
and you think they've played
a trick on you by setting the clocks ahead
....it only FELT like 15 minutes!
The bookmark in the novel you
began to read the
day before subscribing to AOL
is still on page 12.
People who call you and actually
get through,
think they have the wrong number.
After work, before taking off
your coat and
those terribly uncomfortable
shoes, you sign-on to check your mail and bud list
......and that's what you used
to do with your answering machine!
You can now sell the answering
machine
...all your friends and family
know that the only way to
communicate with you is through
e-mail.
Redecorating to you no longer
means shopping for new curtains
or re-painting the bedroom....it
means going into the Control Panel
and changing screen colors.
Cleaning also has a new meaning....
it's not when you use a bucket
and mop,
a dust cloth or vacuum cleaner...
it's when you purge your "old
mail" and personal filing cabinet.
When you are having dinner
with friends
and need to use the restroom,
you say to them, "BRB".
You begin to go into music
stores asking
for "wavs" instead of CDs.
Internet Addiction Test
1. When I see
the prefix "cyber--" I:
a) Blink uncomprehendingly
b) Roll my
eyes at an overused catch phrase
c) Salivate
like Pavlov's dog.
2. "Microsoft"
is defined as:
a) A very small
plushy object
b) A software
company
c) The future
overlords of the known universe.
3. You are
overhearing a conversation in which the phrases "WWW," "URL" and "HTML"
are being used. You:
a) Mention
that you had an uncle who worked on the WPA for FDR
b) Realize
that these guys are unlikely to know anything about the
hockey play-offs
c) Snicker
uncontrollably because HTML is passe now that VRML has taken root as the
ascendant modeling language.
4. Did you
understand that last line at all?
a) No
b) Maybe a
little
c) Understand
it? I'm programming in VRML as we speak!
5. Archie,
Veronica and Jughead are:
a) Those delightful
teens from that spunky comic book series
b) Three-fifths
of the third greatest animated rock band in the world,
after Fat Albert's Trash
Band and Josie and the Pussycats
c) Information
retrieval protocols. Duh.
6. A "hyperlink"
is:
a) Sausage
made from frantic pigs
b) One of those
video games where the characters rip out each other's
spines
c) A way to
get from one World Wide Web page to another. Double duh.
7. If I could
only communicate with other people through the computer:
a) I'd throw
myself into the nearest industrial-sized blender
b) I'd surround
myself with a LOT of pets
c) I'd be doing
what I do anyway.
8. You hear
about someone "Spamming the Net." You:
a) Wonder why
someone would throw meat onto a tennis court
b) Suggest
that they might next "Vienna Sausage the Infobahn"
c) Mailbomb
their server and then place them in your kill file.
9. Someone
is "flaming." You:
a) Wrap them
in a blanket and roll them around on the floor to put them
out
b) Assume that
it's just a lifestyle choice
c) Flame back
harder.
10. A good
working definition of Hell is:
a) A flaming
pit filled the souls of the damned
b) Being on
the OJ Simpson jury
c) A TRS-80
Model III with a 300 baud modem.
Give yourself
0 points for each "A"; 2 points for each "B" and 5 points
for each "C" answer. Add
up the score and find your rating:
0-15: You clearly
have no idea what the Internet is, so your risk of
abusing it is non-existent.
There's some question, in fact, that you could
even identify a computer
newer than the UNIVAC. Well, it's your life.
15-30: You're
about as aware of the 'Net and its culture as the average
Joe. That's fine. Of course,
TV commercials are aimed at the average Joe.
Think about it.
30-40: On the
edge, but still okay. Just remember: humans are more fun
in person.
40-50: Danger,
Will Robinson! Danger! Danger! Remember "Tron"? That
could be you. Get some fresh
air. You'll like it. Trust me
"I'm just gettin' on for
a MINUTE"
I got up this morning, but
haven't yet dressed.
My dishes aren't done, and
my house is a mess.
Have not done my work, have
not fed the cat,
Just on line for a second,
and popped into "chat".
I used to watch TV, I used
to cook Mex,
I think I remember...yeah,
I used to have sex!
I used to walk upright,
now I roll on my chair,
Tho it causes the neighborhood
children to stare.
I wanted to travel around
on the Net,
Been too busy chatting to
get on there yet.
I wanted to spreadsheet,
word process, or paint,
But getting on with that
is just what I ain't!
So much to learn and I wanted
to but
I'm too busy chatting and
splitting a gut,
Talking and listening...is
it such a sin?
Oh gosh, what a fix I have
got myself in!
Then up pops a name on my
neat Buddy List,
Think I'll go out and give
their tail a twist!
And in comes an IM from
some weirdo guy
I cuss 'em, insult 'em,
and tell him "bye bye".
Is there a 12 step, support
group, or such?
For those of us folks who
chat on too much?
If there was a group, I
would like it just fine,
Except that it probably
would be here online!
Are there therapists here?
I think that I saw some
Its got me, its got me,
its power is AWESOME.
It's my new computer, I've
had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror
and I see a "geek".
Or maybe a "geekess", but
I see the signs,
Please help me, please help
me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email
a burger and fries,
Cause I'm staying ONLINE,
at least 'til I die!!!
The Internet Wife
So here I sit, in all my
glory.
Lend me an ear, and I'll
tell you a story.
I once had a wife, all warm
and cuddly.
Then came the internet,
and it all turned ugly!
Now there she sits for hours
on end,
don't care where I'm goin,
or where I have been.
I could be home, or I could
be gone.
She really doesn't care,
as long as she's on...line, that is.
After work she rushes home.
I guess I shouldn't be mad.
But its not to see me,
its to see what she's missed!!
To say Hi to her buddies,
who live in that chat room,
when this place needs a
mop,
AND could sure use a broom!
So I'll just drink my beer,
and watch some TV,
and wonder just why she's
not talkin to me!
I sit here each day
- GOD I NEED A LIFE -
but that's how it is with
an internet wife.
I sat here and pondered
just what I might do...
Heck, I got a screen name,
now I'm online TOO!!!!!!!
You Know You're Addicted
When....
1). When you're having more
sex online than offline.
2). When you can't wait
to call an online buddy to tell him/her what they missed (conversation)
the night before.
3). When you keep a Pic/Gif
or Tiff database of your favorite and NOT so favorite online personalities.
4). When you exclusively
date online personalities.
5). When you're MARRIED
and you get jealous when someone speaks to a man/woman online that you
like.
6). When you're MARRIED
and you include the screenname of someone you like in your PROFILE.
7). When you contemplate
marriage with someone online that you've never met.
8). When you can MULTITASK
while online. ie. Cook, wash laundry feed the kids eat, talk on the phone,
etc. and still keep up with the online conversation.
9). When you have collected
over 100 wavs.
10). When you someone enters
the "Room" they say HI to you and your reply is: "DO I KNOW YOU"?
11). When your first thought
on a Sunday morning is to get online instead of going to church.
12). When you log on Sunday
morning to find that you are NOT alone.
13). When you have more
friends online than you do offline.
14). When you keep logs/journals
of online conversations.
15). When you travel with
a laptop, only so that you can connect to AOL.
16). When you introduce
a local online friend to a NON-AOL friend by their screenname. Ex: Mary,
this is "SwtNSexy" LOL!!
17). When you actually have
FIVE different screenames and FIVE different PROFILES, and you can keep
up with all of them.
18). When you break your
BUDDY list into different catagories. ie. Fine Men/Women CyberSex Buddies
Assholes Kewl Peeps
19). When Cybersex turns
into phonesex, turns into live sex. Only to discover you should've left
well enough alone..
20). When Cybersex is your
ONLY outlet.
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