Sam, who used to be a Dallasite, is known all around the Lower Rio Grande border as El Gringo Empujedero, or the pushy gringo, which helps to explain the fact that his favorite dish is a jalapeno stew known as Hasty Umbrage. He has some definite ideas about correct speach.

One thing: Sam claims that outlanders constantly misuse the Texan term You-All. "When we say 'Yawl come' to a man we mean him and his family. When we address a Yankee thusly, 'Do yawl have much cold weather up there in Buffalo?' we are refering to the whole populace. You don't go up to a person and say 'Do yawl have a match?' Hell farr man, you ain't askin' everybody on earth for a match. You're only askin' one man."

Here is a brief dictionary of Texas words and their proper pronunciation. They aren't in alphabetical order due to their relationship with one another.

Bob Warr Fants: something to keep cattle in a pasture.

Warr Plars: something you cut a fants with.

Rat Naow: immediately.

Rat Cheer: in this very place.

Rat Chonder: over thetaway.

Rat Tare: a little south of Rat Cheer.

Cheer: a sittin'-on thang.

Amulants: a thang thet takes you to the hospital when yore lag is broke.

Syreen: a noisemaker you put on an amulants so's folks will git out of the way.

Ehr Ull: a man's first name.

Arrows: mistakes.

Far Angine: this is something that you call when yore house is burnin' down, or up.

Punchard Tar: something that goes flat when you don't have a spare.

Texco All Company: refineries.

Merkan Cissen: one born in the U.S.A.

Puh Cons: Yankee folks call these delectable little goodies Pee Cans. Now ain't that a helluva note!

There's much more, but yew git the idea. Get the whole book and you will be equiped to make yourself understood throughout Texas and maybe even by Sam Huddleston.

(As reported by Dick Hitt in the Dallas Times Herald, 7/30/75.)

And here's some more just "local stuff"
For anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions they might encounter:

1. The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly-intelligent.)

2. As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. (self-explanatory)

3. Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous)

4. Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)

5. We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet. (We've made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

6. He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

7. She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)

8. It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs. (We really could use a little rain around here.)

9. Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

10. This ain't my first rodeo. (I've been around awhile.)

11. He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

12. They ate supper before they said grace. (Living in sin.)

13. Time to paint your butt and run with the antelope. (Stop arguing and do as you're told.)

14. As full of wind as a corn-eating horse. (Rather prone to boasting.)

15. You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)

You say you want MORE?

You Know You Are In A Texas Church When..

Prayers are said for the well being of the Dallas Cowboys.

The call to worship is, "ya'll come on in."

People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering." And 5 guys stand up.

The restrooms are outside.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

When it rains, everyone is smiling.

Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

The pastor wears boots.

Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

Church activities are planned not to conflict with a Cowboys game.

There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

Baptism is referred to as "branding".

High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

You KNOW you are in Texas when...

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get sunburn through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

No one would dream of not having air conditioning.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.

You hear a Texan saying: "I wish it would rain - not so much for me, cuz I've seen it, but for my 7-year old."

Not to be outdone, the Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary.

HEIDI - (noun) - Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew ?"

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow." Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert !"

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas. Oxygen. Usage "He can't breathe ... give 'im some ARE !"

HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart? Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."

SEED - (verb) - past tense of "to see." Usage "Billy Bob seed Bubba over'ta fill'n station yester'd."

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view ?"

GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."

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