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-  OFFICIAL DOCUMENT |01/01/2000] - 
Restricted Distribution Only

Subject: MLOTD Time Travel Project

0.1 Overview

 A recent shipment of weapons-grade plutonium was sent by armed convoy from the United States to Canada. This was to see if Canadian nuclear reactors were capable of using plutonium as fuel, in order to use up the excess supply of plutonium. This shipment never arrived on-site, and it is assumed to have been intercepted by the Mailing List of the DAMNED (herein referred to as MLOTD). 

1.0 Purpose

 The MLOTD are a militant extreme moderatist group, and it is believed that they have taken the plutonium shipment as part of their time-machine development program.

2.1 Location of Operations

 The Ministry of Energy have been reporting massive power drains in the power net around the CANDU reactor at Darlington Station. Our scouting team have detected high levels of gamma radiation in the area, but are unable to pinpoint the exact source. 

2.2 Equipment

 Flux capacitor technology has been available since the mid-80's, and we believe the MLOTD have been flux-capacitor-capable since 1992. The possibility of a vehicular time machine has been ruled out, because of the MLOTD vehicle selection. Satellite photos show that their Schwinn mountain bikes cannot achieve 88 miles/hr, nor can their K-car.

3.0 Methods

 Intercepted documents indicate that their time travel project is codenamed: "Operation: Screw-With-History" because they could not come up with anything more creative. This project involves sending live skunks back through time and dropping them in the middle of historic events. Historical photographs can prove that they have been successful several times. [Most prominent examples of historical significance are displayed in left panel.]

4.0 Counter Measures

 The MLOTD have not directly targeted Canadian historical events, however repossession of the stolen plutonium remains a priority. To these ends, we have begun the painful process of trapping wild skunks and tagging them with homing devices. Unfortunately, if our tagged skunks are inadvertently sent back through time, skunk-tag technology could be reverse-engineered by the scientist of that era, causing a horribly complex time paradox!   
4.1 Counter Counter Counter Measures Our quantum physics division, with the help of our theoretical mathematics wing, have indicated that if the MLOTD have time travel capability, they could go into the future, and discover our counter measures, and initiate counter counter measures. We should therefore have counter counter counter measures in place to deal with the MLOTD.
4.2 Counter Counter Counter Counter Counter Measures Knowing that they know that we know, does not guarantee success.  This is because they could have gone further ahead in the future and discovered that we know that they know that we know! Then they would know that we know that they know that we know! Knowing this, we should have counter counter counter counter counter measures in place, because we now know that they know that we know that they know that we know!  
4.3 Infinite Counter Measures After spending all of our budgeting planning and attempting to implement an infinite loop of counter measures to counter measures, we are unable to allocate funds to any of our other projects. We are unable to take any further actions on the MLOTD until the beginning of the 2054 fiscal year.
5.0 Conclusion Our historians warn that the skunk saturation of the timeline could have negative impact on the global atmosphere. In addition to altering the outcomes of several global conflicts, Operation: Screw-With-History has eliminated all traces of Rap, New Country, Hip-Hop, and R&B from the natural timeline. An archeological dig in New Guinea have unearthed skeletal remains which match the dental records of Bill Gates. The bones carbon date back 100 years and cause of death is attributed to the tribal practice of cannibalism.   
 

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