Case File #1: Amy Johnson





Real Last Name: Blows
Real First Name: Bubbles
Real Middle Initial: N/A
Real Alias: "Flaming Nero"
Real DOB: 8-8-88
Real SOB: The Middle of Nowhere
Real Profession: Free Clinic Receptionist
Real Favorite Color: Blue
 s p a c e Faux Last Name: Johnson
Faux First Name: Amy
Faux Middle Initial: N. or A.
Faux Alias: "Flaming Hetero"
Faux DOB: 8-7-88
Faux SOB: New Jersey
Faux Profession: Starving Artist
Faux Favorite Color: Black and/or Blue



code name: eve





Here we see Bubbles Blows assuming her new identity, Amy Johnson, to be a worthwhile investment. With all of the money she saved using her "Frequent Relocation" card, the free coupon pamphlet she received after her valid relocation*, and the peace of mind that came (at no extra charge to Bubbles) with our esteemed level of professionalism and confidentiality, she can now comfortably afford to purchase tampons.


ACTUAL TESTIMONY:
"Before I done heard of that there 'Sara Tonen's Rezonin' Program,' I was spendin' damn near five or six hunnert dollars a week relocatin' here and relocatin' there like I was a rooster garglin' champagne in a crystalized jacuzzi. See, I have to keep movin' 'round this great continent of the US o' A on accounta I keep stabbin' my boyfriends when they talk about that there hairy mole on the back o' muh neck. I need a rezonin' company wit' low prices sos I can save up money for my operations, and that ole relocatin' program I was wit' was juss plain puttin' a hurtin' on me. 'Sides, I got me in this relationship wit' the head o' tha company an' he looked at muh mole outta the corner o' his eye an' I could see that he was a-fixin' to say somethin' so I hurries and grabs me one o' dem steak knives I keep in muh purse and carves him a new @sshole. Then when tha police got aholda his files (I bet he took 'em to the hospital wit' 'im (that bastard!)). But anyways, when tha police got aholda his files they was after me like I was a shopliftin' toad eatin' fries on the subway. When I thought I had nowheres else to turn, Sara Tonen heard my pockets a-burnin' and came a-runnin'. Now [holds up box of tampons] I can buy these tampons without worryin' 'bout nobody noticin' these here steak knives what I gost in my purse."







*to qualify as a "valid relocation," the relocation must consist of a move, in any direction, at least 3 states away from the client's most recent state of residence.



relocate my rotting corpse back to the rezoning program.

complaints shouldnt be sent to (but should be expected from): badheadache@hotmail.com









@hhhhht 1