She spent twenty minutes looking at an orange juice box because it said, "concentrate"...
She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind...
She got stabbed in a shoot-out...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk"...
When the computer said, "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the "Any" key...
When I was drowning and yelled for a life saver, she said, "Cherry or Grape?"...
She tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order...
She sat on the TV and watched the couch...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it...
She was on the corner giving out potato chips, yelling, "Free Lays!"...
She tried to drown her goldfish...
She thought a quarterback was a refund...
She got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death...
If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change...
They had to burn down the school to get her out of third grade...
She took a spoon to the Super Bowl...
She thinks socialism means partying...
She tripped over a cordless phone...
She asked for a price check at the dollar store...
It takes her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes...
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless...
She stands up on an empty bus...
She studied for a blood test and failed...
She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center...
She thought Hamburger Helper came with another person...
She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats...
She invented a solar powered flashlight...
She sold the car for gas money...
When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home to get 16 friends...
When she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved...
She ordered a cheeseburger from McDonald's and said, "Hold the cheese."...
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead...
She peels M&Ms to make chocolate chip cookies...
She got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex? A: She opens up the car door.
Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you? A: Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why did the blonde have a bruised navel? A: Her boyfriend is blonde, also.
Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet? A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank? A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks."
The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes"
"How did this happen?", the doctor asked. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the Blonde replied.
"Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?" "No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, I just paid $100,000 for these. Then I put it in my mouth and thought, I just paid $24,000 to get my teeth straightened. Then I put the gun in my ear, and thought this is going to make a loud noise, so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."
The other blonde watched this for awhile, then asked, "Why are you throwing half those nails away?"
The first blonde explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed TOWARD me I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the HOUSE, then it's a good one and I nail it in!"
The second blonde yells, "YOU MORON!!! They're for the OTHER side!!!"
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.
She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew.
As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man who had been waiting patiently for several minutes now spoke up. "Excuse me Ms. but are you done yet?"
She looked at him and indignantly replied: "Well Duhhh!, I'm still winning."
The blonde looked at her friend oddly and said, "What's the big deal? Don't you like getting flowers"?
"Oh, sure I do, but I really don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde thought for a moment and then asked, "Don't you have a vase?"
MAN: "What was that for?" WIFE: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?" MAN: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off do work around the house. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
MAN: "What the hell was that for this time?" WIFE: "Your horse called."