In a Laundromat:

Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In a London department store:

Bargain Basement Upstairs.

In an office:

Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

In another office:

After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

Outside a farm:

Horse manure - 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself.

On a church door:

This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

English sign in a German cafe:

Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.

Outside a second-hand shop:

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.

Outside a new Town Hall which was to be opened by The Prince of Wales:

The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

Outside a photographer's studio:

Out to lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

Seen at the side of a Sussex road:

Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

Outside a Disco:

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

Quicksand warning:

Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire Parish:

Due to increasing problems with litter louts and vandals we must ask anyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

Notice in a Dry Cleaner's window:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

On a motorway garage:

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much but our petrol is.

In a Health Food shop window:

Closed due to illness.

Spotted in a Safari Park:

Elephants Please Stay In Your Car.

Seen during a conference:

For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a field:

The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Message on a Literacy leaflet:

If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

On a Repair Shop door:

We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work.)

Sign at a Norfolk farm gate:

Beware! I shoot every tenth trespasser and the ninth one has just left!

Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:

Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.

Sign in a New Hampshire jewelry store:

Ears pierced while you wait.

Seen in a New York restaurant:

Customers who find our waitresses uncivil should to see the manager.

Sign in a Los Angeles dance hall:

Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

Spotted in a Florida Maternity Ward:

No children allowed.

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