Five Questions Men Fear

What are you thinking about?

Do you love me?

Do I look fat?

Do you think she is prettier than me?

What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question #1:  What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:  "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."

This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

Baseball.

Football.

Sex.

Beer.

How fat you are.

How much prettier she is than you.

How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question #2:  Do you love me?

The proper response is:  "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:

Oh yeah, tons.

Would it make you feel better if I said yes?

That depends on what you mean by love.

Does it matter?

Who, me?

Question #3:  Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic:  "Of course not!"

Among the incorrect answers are:

Compared to what?

I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.

A little extra weight looks good on you. (Sounds familiar!)

I've seen fatter.

Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:  "Of course not!"

Incorrect responses include:

Yes, but you have a better personality.

Not prettier, but definitely thinner.

Not as pretty as you when you were her age.

Define pretty.

Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5:  What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Corvette.")

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: "Would you get married again?"

MAN: "Definitely not!"

WOMAN: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

MAN: "Of course I do."

WOMAN: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

MAN: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WOMAN: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: "Yes, I would."

WOMAN: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

MAN: "Where else would we sleep?"

WOMAN: "Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with ones of her?"

MAN: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WOMAN: "And would you let her use my golf clubs?"

MAN: "She can't use them; she's left-handed…"

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