General:

• Never take a beer to a job interview.
  
  
• Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  
  
• It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  
  
• If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
  
  
• Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  
  

Dining Out:

• When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
  
  
• If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  
  

Entertaining in Your Home:

• A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  
  
• Do not allow the dog to eat at the table. . . no matter how good his manners are.
  
  

Personal Hygiene:

• While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
  
  
• Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  
  
• Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
  
  

Dating (Outside the Family):

• Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
  
  
• Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
  
  

  "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."

  
  
• Establish with her parents what time she is expected back:
  
  
  • Some will say, "10:00 P.M."
    
    
  • Others might say, "Monday."
    
    
  • If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
    
    

Theater Etiquette

• Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  
  
• Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Test have proven they can't hear you.
  
  

Weddings:

• Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  
  
• Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
  
  
• For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
  
  
• Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
  
  

Driving Etiquette:

• Dim your lights for approaching vehicles even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  
  
• When approaching a four-way stop the vehicle with the largest tires has the right of way.
  
  
• Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  
  
• When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  
  
• Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
  
  

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