Joe brought the Pogo Plane to a gentle landing on the lawn of Avengers Mansion. An old agreement between the Avengers and the Fantastic Four equipped both teams’ vehicles with a series of sensors which immediately deactivated the opposite team’s respective security devices. Still, the Supercools were unable to leave the safety of the Pogo Plane until a prim English butler came striding out to meet them.
“Can I help you?” asked Jarvis, nonplussed.
“We need to speak with Thor,” said Joe. “It’s urgent.”
“Very well,” said Jarvis. “Would you young folks like to come in for a spot of tea while I page the gentleman?”
“That would be lovely, Jarvis, thank you,” Joe answered for his friends.
“Ho, mortals,” said the Asgardian Thunder God, twenty minutes later. “What aid doth thou seek from the Odinson?” Quickly, Joe explained their situation. “I shalt take the to the area once known as Asgard, to the Rainbow Bridge,” said Thor. “Though much of it is in ruins, mine hammer might well be able to pierce the dimensional veil from that spot.” As Thor began to chant the incantation which would teleport all five heroes to the Rainbow Bridge, Joe turned to Rina.
“Man, he is hunkalicious,” said Joe.
“Ugnh…” said Rina, drooling.
The moment all five dimensional travelers arrived in Asgard, each knew that something was wrong. Thor had already mentioned the immense devastation of Asgard which had recently occurred, and Joe remembered reading about the same destruction. Charles, Kyle, and Rina were reminded by the looks on their companions’ faces.
They were standing amidst a thriving, albeit small, Asgardian village. Men, women, and children stepped to and fro proceeding about their daily tasks. It seemed that whatever mysterious force had rent Asgard asunder had just as quickly and quietly replaced it.
“I must investigate this mystery,” spake, er said, Thor. “Perhaps thy and thy companions might wait for me in yon small tavern.”
“Verily,” said Joe.
As Joe, Kyle, Charles, and Rina made their way towards the small tavern Thor had indicated, they saw a disturbing sight. A young girl, about six years old [Okay, okay, so she was probably forty or something. Asgardians age differently, I know. But for all intents and purposes, she had the body, attitudes, and mental faculties of a six-year-old human. Bite me], was being menaced by a ten-year-old [see above] boy.
“Please, Haffnur,” said the young girl. “Please don’t hurt my puppy.” The puppy in question was probably only about a year old [that’s seven years in dog years, but only if the one year is a human year. An Asgardian year is about three-and-a-half times that, so I guess an Asgardian puppy is 24 years old or something. I don’t care], and it whimpered as Haffnur the Unruly swung a sharp stick at it.
“Stop that right now, you little brat!” cried Rina.
“Uh… Rina,” Joe cautioned. “Please don’t let your mouth write checks our bodies can’t cash.”
“Relax, Joe,” said Rina. “That kids like, ten, or something [Rina wasn’t aware of the disproportionate aging patterns of Asgardians. Cut her a little slack, okay?].”
“Yeah,” said Chuck, “And he’s hurting a little girl and a puppy.” Kyle chose to remain silent. He himself had once laughed at the misfortune of puppies.
“What did you call me?” asked Haffnur the Unruly.
“She said you’re a little brat. And she’s right,” said Charles.
“Yeah!” said Kyle.
Then, the bloodbath began.
“Milord Thor,” said a young [by Asgardian standards] Asgardian man, whose name was Pendrall. “It is an honor most great to see you here.”
“Speak, young [by Asgardian standards] one,” said Thor. “Tell me how this place came to be.”
“It was created, sir, by our wisest neighbor, Jurgen the Decrepit,” said Pendrall. “Plucked from the ether by his own might, and populated with we few survivors of Asgard’s great cataclysm.”
“I would speak with this Jurgen the Decrepit,” said Thor.
“I shall lead thee, Milord,” said Pendrall. He began to walk across the small hamlet, Thor trailing close behind.
Asgardians age differently then humans. But that is not their sole physiological difference. Asgardians are also a great deal stronger than most humans. And, they are exceedingly resilient. In fact, the only one of the Supercools capable of inflicting ordinary physical damage on Haffnur the Unruly was Joe, with his Wonder Glove, but that arm was still very broken.
Haffnur attacked the Supercools with all the ferocity and energy of an enraged [not-actually-]ten-year-old. His first kick caught Charles right in what was his shin up until the kick of an Asgardian boy pulverized it. Charles fell to the ground, howling in pain. Haffnur then bit Joe’s right thumb. Off.
Then he moved to Kyle. One of his attacks broke Kyle’s nose. Kyle didn’t scream in pain then, though, because one of Haffnur’s other attacks dislocated Kyle’s jaw. By the time the savage little attack was over, all three friends were one big bloody heaping mess, moaning, weeping, or roaring in intense pain.
“Ah, forget it,” said Haffnur to his first victim. “I didn’t wanna play with your stupid puppy anyway.”
“Oh my god, you guys, are you alright?” asked the entirely unscathed Rina.
All three men glared at her.
As Pendrall excused himself, Thor stepped into a small shack. Its only contents were a small table, a smaller bed, and a man who seemed remarkably old [and that’s by Asgardian standards. Lord knows how old he was in people-years].
“Thor? Milord Thor, is that you?” asked Jurgen the Decrepit.
“Indeed, ‘tis I, noble one,” said Thor. “How hast thou created this village.”
“’Tis my gift, good sir,” replied Jurgen the Decrepit. “I was born… different, born with the ability to create. I admit, sir, that my attempts were never upon so grand a scale, but I could not bear to see so many live in the ruins of our once beautiful world.”
“I am familiar with those who are born… gifted,” said Thor. “Though I knew not that Asgardians were born such. You have my eternal praise.”
“Truly an honor, sir. But perhaps I might beseech a moment of the Thunder God’s time?”
“Indeed, speak old[-by-Asgardian-standards] one.”
“I rejoice to see you here, good Thor, for I know that I need but to hold thy sacred Mjolnir to unlock my gift’s potential. Think of it! I could restore glorious Asgard with the power of mine own mind, were I allowed but one minute’s time with thine weapon.”
“Mjolnir and I are never parted,” said Thor. “Except in the most dire of emergencies. I shalt grant thee thine request, Jurgen the Decrepit.” Thor closed his eyes, and began chanting in a long-since-forgotten Asgardian tongue. After a few minutes of this specialized prayer, he opened his eyes. “I have removed those wards which block Mjolnir from the hands of others, old one. Take my hammer, but be quick about thy business.” He handed his hammer to the old[-I’m-sure-you-get-the-idea-by-now] man.
“Oh, I’ll be quick alright,” cackled Loki, dropping his disguise as his fingers curled around Mjolnir’s pommel. “Odin, the Allfather, is gone, half-brother. And with Mjolnir in my grasp, you are completely at my mercy.” With a wave of his hands, Loki imprisoned Thor in unbreakable chains. Simultaneously, the village around the two gods faded away, along with most of its occupants. Only a handful of Asgardians, plus the Supercools, were left. All eyes turned to see the Mighty Thor, bound and helpless at the feet of his wicked half-brother Loki, who now tossed Mjolnir back and forth from hand to hand.
“Oh damn,” said Joe.
Mephisto perched on Galactus’ shoulder. He was just concluding a business deal that would cause many problems for the inhabitants of the Marvel Universe’s Earth.
“I swore not to harm Earth,” Galactus intoned.
“But you won’t be harming Earth,” said Mephisto. Even his voice was oily. “You’ll just be letting me borrow some of your technology, that’s all. Your Entropy Accelerator, when combined with my own demonic spells, will bring Chaos to the planet Earth. And where Chaos reigns, evil parties. The souls of nearly every human being on Earth will be brought under my sway as they quickly kill one another off. I shall build an enormous power base, while Earth itself will collapse under the weight of its own insanity!”
“Mmm…” said Galactus, “Insane Planet. Gaaaaaahh.”
“Wipe away the drool, partner,” cackled Mephisto. “We both know your insatiable hunger might well be satisfied by such a delectable treat.”
“To be rid of my curse,” said Galactus. “To no longer require sustenance? It is my greatest goal.”
“Then we have a deal, big guy?” asked Mephisto.
“Very well,” said Galactus.
“Excellent,” chuckled Mephisto. “I shall begin my preparations immediately. All my magiks need now are the souls of three chaotic beings, the farther from home the better. Now where would I find something like that?”
Mephisto’s laughter reverberated across the galaxy. Joe, Charles, Kyle, and the planet Earth were doomed.
“You few gathered here, Asgardian and Midgardian alike,” shouted Loki, “Shall witness the death of the Mighty Thor, here, by my hand.”
“Wait!” shouted Joe, his mind racing despite the excrutiating pain.
“Eh?” asked Loki. “Who wouldst speak such to Loki?”
“Forgive me, your Worship,” said Joe, hobbling to where Loki stood. Kyle, and Charles (leaning on Rina for support) made their way behind him. “But if you’re going to kill Thor, you should kill us, too.” Rina’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Whatever terrible tortures you inflict upon him, please do exactly the same to the four of us.”
“Are ye daft, child?” asked Loki.
“No sir, just committed,” said Joe.
“He ought to be committed,” muttered Charles. Though some part of him trusted Joe completely, the part that was scared to death of an eternity in hellish misery wasn’t real happy with the latest turn of events.
“Very well, your wish is granted,” said Loki, trapping the Supercools in unbreakable chains.
“Promise?” asked Joe.
“Yes, yes, yes, whatever I do to Thor I will do to you and your three friends. I promise. Now can I get on with it?”
“No,” said Joe, barely able to contain a smile.
“What dost thou mean, ‘No?’” asked Loki.
“Go with me on a line of thinking,” said Joe. “You promised to harm us all equally, right?”
“Uh-huh,” said Loki.
“And you promised a while back never to hurt the X-Men, right?”
“Uh-huh,” said Loki.
“Charles and Kyle are X-Men,” Joe beamed triumphantly. “So you can’t hurt any of us. Ever.”
Loki’s face fell. No, Loki’s face through itself off a bridge.
“I…” Loki said, his finger raised in the middle of a threat.
“You’ll what?” Joe asked. “Trickster God or no, you can’t break a
promise. Your gods won’t allow it. Now set Thor free before I page the Ones-Who-Sit-On-High-Above-In-The-Shadows, or whatever it is they’re called.”
“Curses!” spat Loki as he freed his five prisoners. “Mortals, today you have earned the wrath of Loki.”
“Oh, I’m just getting warmed up,” said Joe. “You chained us up. You chained up two X-Men, and you threatened their lives. That’s emotional distress. I’ll sue you for punitive damages.”
“What?!?!” asked Loki.
“Come on,” said Joe, “Certainly the Father of Lies is familiar with Earth Lawyers. You didn’t physically hurt these two X-Men, my clients, but you caused them grief, and thereby, harm. You owe us all, retroactively, for the harm you’ve caused.”
“Ridiculous,” said Loki, though his eyes shone fear.
“I’ll call them, I swear,” said Joe.
“Name your price,” said Loki.
“One boon,” said Joe. Loki opened his mouth to speak. “For each of us,” Joe finished.
“Oh, fine, done!” said Loki. “Just get away from me!”
“I wouldst have thee return Mjolnir,” said Thor. Loki smiled.
“Nay,” he said. “My deal is with yon four teens. I owe thee naught.”
“I wish for you to give Thor back his hammer,” said Charles. Loki fumed, but was obliged to agree.
“Done,” he said.
“I want my powers back!” shouted Rina, gleefully.
“Done,” said Loki. “All that thou couldst do before, thou canst do again.” Rina blurred her hand through time, delighted.
“I want you to send Charles, Kyle, and I home,” said Joe. “Our real home, as if none of this whole thing ever happened.” Loki waved his hands.
As Charles, Kyle, Joe, Rina, and Thor materialized in the apartment shared by the Supercools, they heard Loki’s voice ring in their ears. “Alas, mortals, thy home dimension is beyond even my magiks. To prove that Loki be not one to break his word, though, I have allowed thee to keep thy various trinkets and abilities, while ridding you of the grevious harm your bodies underwent.” The young men checked, and found that Loki spoke the truth. All their various cuts, bruises, and broken limbs were now healed as though nothing had happened.
“Thou hast saved the Mighty Thor,” Thor said to Joe. “I, too, owe thee a great boon.” Joe thought for a moment, then made his request.
“A bold request, and an impudent one,” said Thor. “But one which thou dost deserve. The Belt of Strength, crafted aeons ago by Asgard’s finest smiths, has long been mine to wear. Still, I’ve not had need of the belt for some time. Only fitting, then that you use this belt in your own struggles against villainy.” Thor unbuckled his mammoth belt, and handed it to Joe.
“Thank you very much, sir,” said Joe.
“Now then, valiant warriors,” said Thor, “It is time I take my leave of this place. May our paths next cross under more joyous circumstances.” As he spoke, Thor stepped into the apartment’s window. He spun his hammer around several times, then launched himself into the air.
“God, he is sooo cute,” said Rina.
“Hey wait a minute!” Kyle said. “I never got a wish!”
“No fair!” cried Haffnur the Impudent. “I beated ‘em all up, and thou didst fix their maladies.”
“I have given you the chance to inflict harm upon them again,” Loki pointed out. “Wouldst thou like to visit Midgard?”
“Yeah!” shouted Haffnur the Impudent. Loki’s fingers snapped, and Haffnur disappeared.
“Well,” Loki said to no one in particular, “I won’t do them any harm.”