The Scavenger-formerly-knows-as-the-Terrifying-Mitch was sitting in the Bar with No Name. It had taken him some time to move all of the bodies out, but having a fully-stocked bar in his villainous headquarters was worth the effort.
“You’re thinking about vengeance, aren’t you?” asked the Man in the Red Suit.
“Huh? Where did you come from?” asked the Scavenger.
“That isn’t important right now,” said the Man in the Red Suit. “What is important is killing those three young troublemakers who so quickly put an end to your supervillainous career.
“Yeah!” said the Scavenger, getting angrier with every thought.
“But you can’t do it alone,” continued the Man in the Red Suit. “So I have found others who share your hatred of the, ahem, ‘Supercools.’”
“I am Mr. Negativity,” said Mr. Negativity, as he walked into the bar. “I’m not sure why I came here, but I know that I want to kill those kids. My ultra-depression powers will finish them for sure.”
“I, too, am desirous of combat,” said Haffnur the Unruly.
“What are your superpowers?” asked the Scavenger.
“Well, I, don’t exactly have any,” said Haffnur the Unruly.
“But you shall allow him onto your team anyway,” said the Man in the Red Suit.
“Hey, I dost not require your aid, old man!” said Haffnur the Unruly.
“Shut up, No Powers Boy,” said the Man in the Red Suit.
“Yeah, shut up, No Powers Boy,” said Mr. Negativity.
* * *
“You are so cool,” Rina said, planting a big wet kiss on Joe’s cheek.
“That was pretty slick,” said Charles.
“I never got my wish,” said Kyle. “I was going to wish for superpowers.”
“Hey, don’t feel too bad,” said Charles. “I wasted my wish on Thor, and then he went and rewarded Joe anyway.”
“Yeah, but you’ve got powers,” said Kyle.
“And so do you,” said Joe. “Sort of. I’m sure you can still use your wish, Kyle. You just have to speak it out loud.”
“Really?” asked Kyle. “In that case…” Before Kyle could make his wish, though, the door to the Supercools’ apartment flew open, and a piercing wail drove all four heroes to their knees.
“Say hello to the Anticools,” said the Man in the Red Suit. His voice was clear and easily audible, despite the fact that the only thing any of the heroes could hear was the shrill whine of the Scavenger’s glove. “My first associate’s use of extremely loud insect mating calls is probably quite frustrating,” continued the Man in the Red Suit. “It will also keep you quite immobilized. In that time, my ally No Powers Boy will pound you flat. Then, I will harness your soul energy to cast a spell that will prime this world for Chaos. Meanwhile, my associate Galactus (you know him, don’t you?) will fire his Entropy Cannon into the heart of this world. Don’t worry about the fact that you’re all about to die; everyone else will be joining you shortly.”
“Mephisto!” said Joe.
“Yes,” said the Man in the Red Suit. “Did you all hear that? Your friend there just identified me as Mephisto.” The Man in the Red Suit let his illusion fall, revealing himself as the Demon Lord. “Unfortunately, that knowledge won’t help you at all. You might well be able to take my Anticools in an all-out fight. But with my magic backing them up, you are doomed.”
“LOKI!!!” shouted Kyle, his voice barely audible against the Scavenger’s sonic attack. The Trickster God popped into the apartment. He snapped his fingers, and the sonic attack disappeared.
“Od’s blood, that’s irritating,” said Loki. “Now then, what did you want?”
“I want my wish,” said Kyle. “Get rid of Mephisto!” Loki sighed, and turned to his fellow Liar.
“Made a deal with them, didn’t you?” asked Mephisto.
“Yeah,” said Loki. “Shalt we do battle now?”
“Nah,” said Mephisto. “Let’s just go get a cup of coffee or something.”
“Verily,” said Loki.
“Don’t think you have won, Supercools,” said Mephisto. “As soon as we vanish, you will once more be held by the Scavenger’s sonic attack, and No Powers Boy is not. And, even if you somehow manage to free yourselves, Galactus’ cannon will still soon destroy your world. Your souls will be mine soon enough, Supercools, and then I shall make you pay for this humiliation.” Mephisto turned to Loki. “Is the Starbucks on the sixth ring of Hell okay?”
“Sure,” said Loki, and the two Evil Ones disappeared.
The Scavenger’s sonic attack resumed, and the Supercools once more began twisting in agony. No Powers Boy stepped slowly towards Joe.
Rina closed her eyes, and cleared her mind. Long hours of meditation had given Rina the ability to block out her surroundings. Slowly, Rina gained focus against the sonic disruptor stolen from Humbug. She slowed time around herself. The high-pitched siren attack became a low-level hum. No longer paralyzed by the weapon, Rina launched herself at the Scavenger. Before any of the Anticools could react, Timeslip had tightly gripped the wires of the Humbug apparatus, and torn them free. Her short burst of speed used up, Timeslip was unable to stop the Scavenger from blasting her with his Red Bee gun. Timeslip fell to the floor of her apartment, unconscious. But her sacrifice was not in vain. The Supercools were free.
Energy crackled and danced around Kyle “No Powers Boy” Reeser. From nowhere, a blue-and-white costume began to form around his body. Within seconds, the transformation was complete.
“I am Captain Universe,” boomed Kyle’s voice. “You guys finish off the Anticools- I’m going after Galactus.” Without another word, Kyle launched himself through the roof of the apartment, and shot off into deep space.
Joe grabbed No Powers Boy by the collar of his shirt, and threw the Asgardian brat with all of the strength Thor’s belt could muster. The young [by Asgardian standards] boy flew through the apartment window, towards the street below.
“Joe!” cried Charles.
“Oh, it won’t kill him,” said Joe. “Okay, maybe it will.”
The Scavenger drew El Matador’s electrified sword, and swung it at Mr. Negativity (Charles). Charles was pretty sure he could catch the sword in his Negative Hands, but wasn’t real anxious to test his theory. Instead, he jumped backwards. Through the apartment, the Scavenger chased Charles with his electrified sword, until Charles was able to arm himself with a lamp.
Back and forth, the two parried and fenced, neither gaining an advantage.
“Oh damn!” cried Charles, pointing behind the Scavenger.
“What?!” asked the Scavenger, turning to see.
“Ba-ha!” cried Charles, ridding the Scavenger of his sword.
“Take this!” shouted the Scavenger, as he swung his electrified yo-yo at Charles.
“Okay!” cried Charles, as he drew the menacing toy into his Negative Zone hands.
“Oh damn,” said the Scavenger, seconds before Charles pummeled him into unconsciousness.
“You’re a failure,” said Mr. Negativity (Dismay). “You’re a college dropout.” Joe nodded his head, tears beginning to form in his eyes. “Your parents are ashamed of you,” continued Mr. Negativity. “You’ll never amount to anything.” Joe fell back to his knees, his shoulders sobbing. “You have no talents. You can’t even write well. No one likes you.”
“I >sniff< have one >sniff< talent,” said Joe.
“Yeah, what’s that?” sneered Mr. Negativity. Joe stood to his feet.
“I’m not a bad actor,” he said as he punched Mr. Negativity square in the jaw. Dr. Strange’s Psychic Defense ring left a small mark on the villain’s face. Joe finished his opponent off with a blast from his Wonder Glove. “I went to the Indiana Academy for Science, Mathematics, and Humanities,” Joe said to Mr. Negativity’s unconscious body. “Don’t try to tell me about depression.”
As Charles helped Rina to her feet, Joe peered out the window. “The little brat must’ve lived,” he said. “’Cause he’s not there now. Oh well, maybe we’ll run into him again later.”
“Where,” asked Rina as she shook the cobwebs from her brain, “Is Kyle?”
* * *
At better than light speed, it only took Kyle a few seconds to make it to where Galactus’ Entropy Accelerator was pointed at the planet Earth. Galactus was there, too, munching contentedly on a small planetoid and drinking its cosmic juices.
“I will destroy you!” shouted Kyle. Galactus began laughing so hard, cosmic juices came out his nose. Curling his fingers, Galactus flicked the newest Captain Universe across several galaxies.
One minute later, Kyle returned, shaken but unharmed. “Okay, fine,” he said. “I will destroy you…r Entropy Cannon!” Galactus did not laugh as two bolts of pure cosmic energy flew from Kyle’s hand, rupturing Galactus’ cosmic weapon.
“Insignificant mote!” roared Galactus. “You have destroyed the only chance of finding a cure for my insatiable hunger!”
“’Insignificant mote’ is redundant,” Kyle answered, blasting Galactus twice in the face.
“Still,” Galactus continued, barely noticing Kyle, “Perhaps this is for the best.” Slowly, the giant turned, and walked away, leaving the planet Earth behind.
“Cool,” said Kyle, streaking back to his apartment.
Kyle landed next to Joe, Rina, and Charles. With a wave of his hand, he immediately repaired all of the damage done to their surroundings. “Now who’s No Powers Boy?” Kyle taunted.
“Uh… you are,” said Joe as Kyle’s costume faded away. “The Enigma Force only lasts as long as the threat it was designed to combat. Good job beating Galactus, though.”
“Dammit!” said Kyle. “I wanted to keep them!”
“That’s okay, Kyle,” said Rina. “I think you’re sexy whether you’ve got powers or not.”
Joe’s jaw dropped. He turned to face Charles, who was looking just as shocked. The two friends shrugged.