“Congratulations, guys.” Joe raised his glass of Dr. Pepper in a mock-toast. “We’ve been here one week today.” Kyle and Charles clinked their glasses with Joe’s.
“Yay! Marvel Universe!” said Charles.
“Yay! Marvel Universe!” said Kyle.
“Yeah. Marvel Universe. Woo-hoo,” said Joe. His heart didn’t really seem to be in it. “You know guys, I don’t think we’re going to get home any time soon.” Kyle and Charles frowned, and shifted uncomfortably. “I think we’re going to have to learn to adapt.” Charles and Kyle nodded. “Our ‘super-team’ is doing pretty well, considering. And thanks to Kyle and Rina, we’ve gone public. That’s all cool, I guess. But what if we’re here for the rest of our lives?”
“I don’t think-“ began Charles.
“No, I don’t like to think so, either,” said Joe. “But what if? We sure as hell can’t live off of Night Thrasher for the rest of our lives. We need to get jobs, all of us. And eventually, a place of our own. We can’t live like this forever.” Charles and Kyle nodded. It wasn’t a happy thought, but it was a legitimate one. The boys’ morbid thoughts were interrupted by the telephone ringing.
“I’ll get it!” Rina shouted from her bedroom. Her door flew open, and Rina blurred her way into the room, answering the telephone at lightning speed.
“Hello?” she said.
“Yes, this is her.”
“I don’t see why not.”
“An hour? Okay, we’ll meet you there.”
“Yes, I understand.”
“Goodbye.”
Rina replaced the handset. “Put on your uniforms, boys,” she said with a smile. “I’ll explain when you get back.”
Charles and Kyle disappeared into their bedrooms. They emerged a few minutes later, each wearing their superhero costume.
“Joe,” said Charles. “You didn’t change!”
“I was waiting for you guys to get back,” Joe replied. “I spent all last night playing with Kang’s little gadget, and I wanted you all to see me use it for the first time.” Joe reached into his pocket, and pulled out the small red ball he’d retrieved after their battle with Kang. He pressed the single button on top of the ball, and immediately he was dressed in his costume: weapons, hypno-jacket, and all.
“Neat!” said Charles.
“I want one!” said Kyle.
“Maybe later,” said Rina. “Right now, we’ve got to get to Heroes for Hire!”
“Kick ass!” Joe shouted.
“But understand that you won’t get paid unless you succeed in your assignment,” said Jim Hammond.
“Who cares?” said Joe. “$10,000 a person, times the four of us will definitely get us started on a real life. The Marvel Universe Economy RULES!”
“I’m sorry,” said Jim Hammond, shaking his head. “Did I not make that point clear? You’re being hired because both your young age and you complete anonymity in the world of superheroics make you ideal undercover agents. But, er, Timeslip and No Powers Boy will not be included on our payroll. I’m sorry, but you’ve appeared on film, and the Dungeonmaster is very good at catching things like that.”
“So you’re only sending TWO of us into this sicko cult? Alone? That’s what you’re doing?” said Joe. He stood up, and leaned over the desk to stare straight into Jim Hammond’s eyes.
“Two? Oh, you and Mr. Negativity, you mean. No, I’m afraid your friend’s hands will be too obvious. You’ll have to go alone.” Jim didn’t seem real impressed.
“What are you crazy?!?! I didn’t ever even ask to be a superhero! Now you’re telling me I’m going undercover, alone, and we’re getting paid a fourth of what we were expecting to get a minute ago?!?!” Joe shook his hands about dramatically for emphasis.
“If it’s a problem of money, I assure you, we have plenty more available. Would $50,000 suit you?”
“I can do that,” said Joe, sitting down.
“Excellent,” said Jim Hammond. “Let me page Dane.”
Dane Whitman, the Black Knight, stood in the center of the Heroes for Hire’s gymnasium as Joe walked in.
“Uh, hey there!” said Joe.
“Hey there, yourself,” said Dane. “Ready to be trained in the fine art of swordplay?”
“I guess,” said Joe.
“Alright then, let’s get started,” said Dane.
“Actually,” said Joe. “Before we get started, could I get you to sign this for me?” Joe handed the Black Knight a piece of paper, and a pen.
“What is it?” Dane asked.
“Insurance waiver,” said Joe. “Just kidding. It’s for my brother. Could you sign it ‘To Andrew?’ He’s a really big fan.”
“Sure,” said Dane, smiling.
As Joe began his rigorous day of training, Rina dropped Kyle, Charles, and
Jennifer “She-Hulk” Walters off at City Hall.
“I’m taking the Supercoolmobile back to my place, guys,” Rina said. “I’ll come back and see how you’re doing after my errands, okay?”
“Okay, Rina, have a good time,” said Charles.
“Bye Rina,” said Kyle, swooning. Timeslip flew off into the sky.
“Ah, the Ol’ Pogo Plane,” said She-Hulk, referring to her brief stint as a member of the Fantastic Four. “Well, guys, I must say you’re probably giving me the greatest legal challenge of my life.”
“It’s not really that difficult, is it?” asked Charles.
“To have three (no offense) extradimensional alien beings, one of whom is en absentia be declared legal residents of the United States of America, without divulging any information other than your legal (in your dimension that is) names, so you can drive, open bank accounts, buy property, vote, and so on? Nah.”
“Well, when you say it like that,” said Kyle.
“You’ve got the hang of it,” said Dane. “In fact, I’d say you’ve mastered the Sun Sword.”
“Thanks,” said Joe. “Thank you very much.”
“Unfortunately,” Dane continued, “It’ll take more than just turning it on and off to impress the Dungeonmaster.”
“Hey, I can also adjust the level of pain,” said Joe. “That’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”
“Sure,” Dane said. “It’s supercool. Let’s get back to work, huh?”
“Don’t mock me,” said Joe.
Charles and Kyle stood before the judge as Jennifer Walters finished her closing argument.
“…under our laws, so don’t they surely deserve the same rights we are granted as well?"
The judge nodded thoughtfully. “You make a good case, Ms. Walters. Unfortunately, these two young men are still illegal refugees. Bailiffs, arrest these two.”
Four burly men in brown uniforms poured from the corners of the courtroom, and seized Charles and Kyle. She-Hulk could easily have batted the men aside, but she was bound by law to only watch as the two young men were pulled out of opposite ends of the courtroom.
Joe fell on his ass. Again.
“Okay, fine. Forget it. You can handle the sword without slicing off anything vital. That’s good enough for me.” Dane sheathed his sword and helped Joe to his feet.
Joe stood up, and turned off the Sun Sword. He was more than a little embarrassed, and perfectly pleased to be done with his lessons.
“I’m sorry,” said Joe.
“Whatever,” said the Black Knight. “I still get paid. If you want to shower, do it quickly. Scott’s meeting you in five minutes to brief you on your assignment.”
“Oh, I’m just kidding,” said the judge, pounding his gavel. She-Hulk’s look went from amazed to incredulous as the doors to the right of the judge opened and the bailiffs carried Charles back into the courtroom. As soon as Charles was released, the doors to the right of the judge opened, and Kyle was also set free. The judge fixed Charles and Kyle with a stern look.
“That was a warning, boys. I’m glad to see you didn’t try to bust free or anything. That tells me that you’re all right. Of course, I still can’t grant you asylum; you’re illegal refugees. But no court of law’s going to haul you in, either, since it’s well beyond our means to properly deport you. You guys are just going to have to make do without any legal rights whatsoever. Try to stay out of trouble. Case dismissed.”
As the three heroes left the courtroom, She-Hulk managed to shake free the look of utter surprise which had glued itself to her face. “Don’t worry, boys,” she said to her clients. “That stunt he pulled with the bailiffs is absolutely illegal. I’ll set a mistrial motion to work immediately, and we’ll be back in court to try again in about a month or so. In the meantime, he was right- stay out of trouble.”
“Yes, Mrs. She-Hulk,” sang Charles.
“Uh, okay,” said Kyle.
Scott “Ant-Man” Lang handed Joe a file. “This is everything we know about the Dungeonmaster,” he said. “Obviously a mutant of extraordinary abilities, the young man known as ‘the Dungeonmaster’ can summon and control solid-energy constructs in the shape of dragons, harpies, you name it. He came to our attention about six months ago, but he’s been actively for probably better than a year now. He organizes groups of teens- no one older than twenty and rarely any women, for that matter- who are fond of role-playing. Then, he arms them with medieval weaponry, and builds complex deathtraps for them. Anyone who makes it gets cooler weaponry. Anyone who doesn’t, dies. The Avengers and the New Warriors both tried to put a stop to these games once before, but since the evidence always fades away, and since no one can tell which of the young men is the actual Dungeonmaster, the games always start up again after a few weeks. Our sources have the site of the latest game pinned down, but you’ll have to enroll, battle your way through, and figure out who the Dungeonmaster is, so we can put a stop to him. I’ll be riding shotgun in your jacket, just in case, but once I pop out, our cover’s blown. Got it?”
“Yep,” said Joe. “Let’s do it.”
“How’d it go, guys?” Rina brought the Supercoolmobile to a gentle landing next to Charles and Kyle.
“Not good,” said Charles. He climbed into the Supercoolmobile. Kyle followed right behind him.
“I missed you, honey,” Rina said, leaning over to kiss Kyle on the cheek. Kyle shifted away from her affections.
“Yeah, thanks,” he said, coldly. Rina turned away, obviously hurt, but didn’t make a fuss. Charles watched the two sadly as Rina aimed the Supercoolmobile for home.
That evening, Joe (with Ant-Man stuffed in the pocket of his coat) made his way down to the field where the Dungeonmaster was scheduled to host his latest murderous role-playing game. His heartbeat ran from a slow waltz to a techno beat as several agents of Dungeonmaster’s security team looked him up and down. Joe did his best to look geeky. Apparently, it worked.
“Alright, you’re in,” said one of the guards. He handed Joe a small dagger with a red handle. “This is your starting weapon. Do alright with it tonight, and you’ll get something better.” He motioned Joe into the fenced-off field that would host the evening’s activities. As soon as Joe was out of sight, he tossed the dagger aside and drew the Black Knight’s Sun Sword.
Joe waited twenty minutes until the game’s start was announced by a shrill siren blaring. Almost immediately, an enormous jungle sprouted up around him. Joe began to pick his way through the illusory landscape. Within minutes, Joe found himself face to face with a seven-and-a-half foot tall ogre, roaring and gnashing.
Joe ran the other way.
“Kyle? Is anything wrong?” Rina was locked in her room, and Kyle was moping in front of the television, so Charles seized the opportunity to patch the two broken hearts. “Is there anything you want to talk about?” he asked.
“No,” said Kyle. Charles looked at him sternly. “Well, alright, yes. Tell me everything you can remember about the time I beat Galactus.”
“Ah, Kyle, you’re not on that powers thing still, are you?” Charles frowned. “I mean, look at all the amazing stuff you’ve done since we’ve been here. You beat Phantazia, and the python, and you saved my life from Spectrum, and you stopped that guy in the restaurant, and-“
“I know all that,” snapped Kyle. “But how did I do it? HOW?”
“I don’t know!” said Charles. “You’re just good at it! What does this have to do with Rina?!?”
“Forget about Rina! I don’t care about her! I want to know about my powers!”
“Well- Well, I don’t know. We’ll see what we can do, okay? Wait until Joe gets back.” Charles, frustrated, walked over to Rina’s bedroom.
Joe’s feet pounded against the jungle floor. "You’re running away," came Ant-Man’s voice.
“I’m not running away,” Joe said. “But this battle can’t help us find the Dungeon Master, right?”
“I suppose not,” said Ant-Man. “But it still feels wrong.”
“Bite me,” said Joe. Just then, Joe’s foot hit a loose branch, and he tumbled ass-over-teakettle* [Author’s Note: I have always wanted to use that phrase!] down a steep hill. When he finally opened his eyes, he was staring straight down the mouth of a fire-breathing dragon.
“Oh damn,” said Joe.
“What do you want?” Rina asked irritably as she opened her door and saw Charles waiting outside.
“To talk. Is that okay?”
“Yes,” she said, wiping at her face with her sleeve. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“I understand,” said Charles, ever the gentleman.
“It’s going to be so hard living here with him, now that we’re broken up,” Rina said.
“Hang on,” said Charles. “You had one bad moment. That’s no reason to be breaking up!”
“He turned away from me!” Rina said. “What’s going on?”
“I think it’s your powers,” Charles confessed. “Remember how badly you wanted them back when you’d lost them? Remember how much it hurt to be around your friends who had powers? Well, Kyle’s been omnipotent two (maybe three, depending on how you count) times now. And he keeps losing that power. Imagine how that must feel.”
“I try so hard to make him feel special,” Rina said, sniffling.
“I know you do,” said Charles. “But you can’t stop when it gets hard. Kyle needs you, Rina. Can you help him?”
“I’ll try,” Rina said. She reached out and gave Charles a hug.
“Screw this undercover bullshit,” Joe said as his thumb pressed into the CESU’s button. His Supercool costume and all of his acquired technology immediately faded into being around him. As the dragon opened his mouth to fry Joe with magical fire, Joe fired a Wonder Glove blast into the monster’s open mouth. The back of the dragon’s head exploded.
“Bravo,” said a young man, clapping his hands as he climbed to the top of the dragon’s carcass. “Ordinarily, a victory like that would be worth several levels of experience. But it seems that you’ve acquired some new weapons.”
“Dungeonmaster,” Joe said, making the word a question and a statement at the same time.
“Precisely,” said the young man. “And it looks like you’re some new superhero. It doesn’t matter how you got past my security; you’ll never make it past my allies.” The young man didn’t even blink as fairies, elves, dwarves, giants, gargoyles, and zombies popped into existence around him.
“Kill him,” said the Dungeonmaster.
Charles and Rina emerged from the bedroom.
“I know what will make us all feel better,” Rina said. “Let’s go have a wild night on the town, just the three of us. We can charge it to Dwayne’s credit card.”
“That card’s supposed to be for emergencies only,” Charles reminded his teammate.
“I know, I know,” Rina said, making puppy-eyes at Charles. “But we can’t possibly spend that much money. And we can pay it all off when Joe comes back with FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!”
“Let’s go!” Kyle said.
As the hellish legions advanced slowly on Joe, Ant-Man leapt from his hiding spot, regaining his normal stature as he tackled the Dungeonmaster. Almost. At not-yet full size, Ant-Man weighed not much more than a small child, and the Dungeonmaster was able to spin completely around, throwing Ant-Man into the center of his monster squad.
Unfortunately for him, the Dungeonmaster didn’t consider that his back was now facing Joe. Joe turned the ‘pain’ knob on the Sun Sword all the way up, and, with a heroic leap, thrust his weapon into the young man. Immediately, the fairies, the elves, the dwarves, the giants, the gargoyles, and the zombies vanished. So did the young man himself.
“Shit!” said Joe. “He was using a construct to fake himself, too!”
“Why didn’t we think of that?” Ant-Man asked, standing shakily to his feet. “He could be any one of the teens here tonight.”
“You have hurt me, mortals.” The sky boomed with the Dungeonmaster’s voice. “And have ruined this evening’s fun. But when I have recovered from this blow, I shall have my revenge.”
“Yeah, I’m shakin’” said Joe. He lit a cigarette, and turned to Ant-Man. “For God’s sake, let’s go home.”